Love Before War (Reflections From Ray)

Thoughts from the preacher of City Road Chapel, United Methodist Church. Christian Relationships, including marriage, should not create scars that cannot heal.

Joane and I got away for a few days after Christmas. We went over to South Carolina, ending up in Charleston. Along the way we stopped at the Revolutionary War battle field of Kings Mountain. (Most of you know that I’m a Civil War buff. You may not have known that Joan is a Revolutionary War buff.) Kings Mountain is considered the turning point of the Revolution in the South that would ultimately lead to Cornwallis’ surrender at Yorktown. The irony is that this battle was between Americans. The militia fighting for independence clashed with the militia that was still loyal to the British crown. Most of us don’t realize how much the American Revolution was also a civil war, with neighbor fighting against neighbor. These clashes were often much bloodier than when the revolutionaries met regular British forces. Somehow when we fight our own, we’re much nastier than when we take on outsiders. Again, witness our later brothers’ war in the 1860’s.

Perhaps this phenomenon arises from our expectations that those closest to us should basically agree with us; and if they don’t, we feel betrayed by them. Feelings of being betrayed by someone close elicit a much stronger negative reaction than mere disagreement with a casual acquaintance or stranger. We strike out, wanting to hurt the perceived “betrayer.” Winning this contest becomes all that matters to us. So we say and do things that end up hurting or destroying the relationship. I’ve seen marriages, families, friendships, and churches torn apart by such personal civil wars.

When I counsel folks before marriage, I often suggest that when the inevitable differences arise between husband and wife (I’m often amazed how many couples assume that be-cause they love each other, they’ll never disagree!), each individual not go for the win-at-all-costs kind of fight. Don’t damage the long-term relationship you’re seeking by saying and doing the most hurtful things you can think of to win this one fight. Harsh words or retaliatory deeds can never be taken back. I’ve learned that even when apologies are given, such words and acts lurk in the background, scarring the relationship. With too much scar tissue, relationships may no longer heal

As hard as it may be for us to learn, winning is not a virtue in a loving relationship—especially in a Christian relationship. Disagreements will arise even between the most lovingly united folks. Instead of feeling betrayed by the other and acting on those feelings, we need to follow Paul’s advice on how Christians should act toward each other, even in disagreement: “Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (I Corinthians 13:4-7). May we Christians never seek to reenact the savage battle of Kings Mountain in any of our personal relationships. —Ray