Parental Alienation- A Christian View: Thorn of My Flesh or A Prodigal Child?

A Christian View: Thorn of My Flesh or A Prodigal Child? by Monika Logan, LBSW

I was surprised by the educational passage in my women’s Bible, New International Version (NIV). I was reading scripture and discovered a well known-scholar, Judith Wallerstein’s excerpt by that read, “We’ve seriously underestimated the long-term impact of divorce on children [and]…the numerous ways a child’s experience differ when growing up in a divorced family.” I am blessed as I do not know what it is like to be a child of divorce. I was raised in an intact home. However, I understand what it is like to go through a divorce at a young age with two small children. I also know what it is like to have child rampant with emotions post divorce extending from age four through 16. In addition, I know what it is like to have a kid show a parent the most utter disrespect while an ex-spouse gives kudos for their rude behavior. Lastly, I am keenly aware that Churches frowns upon divorce and that Parental Alienation (PA) is misunderstand .I was taught that God hates divorce (see Malachi 2:16 NIV), but also was taught that God forgives. He is a God of grace and one that allows for second chances.

The idea of divorce does not occur to newly marrying couples. Divorce was also not Gods original intention. God allowed a clause about divorce to be included in the Law of Moses (Deuteronomy 24:1). God wanted to prevent men from dumping their wives for frivolous reasons. Subsequently, I started to wonder about children who dump their parents for frivolous reasons. In some divorces, especially vitriolic divorces, one parent attempts to turn the child against the other parent. The parent desires to wreck havoc on the other parent’s relationship with the child; a few methods include cruel words and the allure of material gifts. Messages made by parents that are perpetual and poisonous produce troubled kids. Eventually, the relentless actions and words of embittered parents pay off. These kids’ discard relationships of once-loved parents and treat their parents as their worst foe. Dr. Richard Warshak (2010), in his book, Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing explains:

This goes far beyond the usual type and amount of criticism and complaints that children heap upon their parents. You will see a degree of contempt and cruelty reserved for one’s worst enemies. The children treat the target parent as unworthy of even the smallest amount of regard and respect. Their obnoxious behavior commonly prompts others to remark that the children are acting like spoiled brats (p.35).

Sadly, many Christian parents whose kids rejected them feel alone in their shame. Many believers fall prey to the idea that good parents always have good kids. They frequently support this standard by one preferred scripture, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6, NIV). Other scriptural lessons are discarded, such as Job and Aaron’s sons as seen in Leviticus 10. What they fail to recognize is the power that an ex-spouse has upon his or her child. This is common knowledge in intact homes, but many a Christian parents forget the power of a parent in a divided home.

Divided homes breeds deception, deceit and disparagement. Common Christian advice is that the parent’s post-divorce should keep the same chores, discipline and rules. This guidance is helpful, but is not applicable to cases of PA. Dr. Warshak points out… “your children are being manipulated to serve as vehicles to express their other parents hostility…” (p.38). Parent’s in these cases do not care about the rejected parent’s wishes or their children’s best interests. It is a form of emotional abuse. Sorrowfully, these parents internalize the actions of their prodigal children and they are frequently judged by other Christians. These children are taught to disrespect their other parent. If a married Christian parent’s teen rebels, they can remove the teen’s cell phone for a week. As a consequence, the behavior normally changes (at least for a while). Last time I removed a cell phone for rude behavior, the child came home with a new-improved cell phone. Clearly, this may leave some parents speechless. As Dr. Warshak notes… “Parent’s are so intent on poising their children’s relationship with the ex that the idea of censoring their disdain for the other parent would never occur to them. They want their children to share their hatred” (p.9). The parent’s also do not want the child to show any respect to the other parent. Undermining the other parent’s authority is only one characteristic of PA.

I hope more in the Christian community takes the time to study and understand Parental Alienation. I realize there are consequences for divorce and that life is not always pleasant. However, PA is emotional abuse. Alienated children often resemble children that are diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (Warshak, 2010, p. 27). These angry, resentful, spiteful and vindictive kids the only difference is that their behavior is towards one parent, not both. I do not think Parental Alienation is the thorn in our flesh (see 2 Corinthians 12:17). Target parents are often humble enough. Parents and children need support, prayer, and love. Prayer is also needed for ex-spouses as many are un-happy and lonely after an un-wanted divorce.