Dear Friend

In this world of technology we share so much. Too much, we sometimes ponder. And at others, we worry we are too glossy, not honest enough and we need to share more. We search for pages and authors that seem to “get” us. Sometimes we find them in a mother who understands only too well the piles of yet-to-be-folded clothes.  At others we converse with friends from our past in quick snippets of humor and nostalgia on facebook. We join groups, both IRL and online and in each place we wear a different mask.

My friend, I wear these masks too. In some circles I appear the woman who has it all–successful husband, three beautiful children, a house a short walk from the beach. In other places my mask changes to a woman who is deeply concerned with my faith. To some friends, though, I admit I probably seem irreverent and they’d be surprised to find out how much my faith means to me.  Only a  few friends know my sorrows.

One of the most difficult things for me to share honestly and openly about is my marriage. There are important reasons for this. A marriage is sacred. You hold another human being’s heart so fragile in your hands. To discuss problems with others can seem disrespectful and hurtful–far too easy to expose vulnerabilities that aren’t yours to share. I don’t want my friends and family to judge my husband too harshly, or speak unkindly of him (or me or our marriage) when I am not present to further explain and defend.

Truly, a marriage is between a husband, a wife and God. It gets complicated and messy when you invite others in to the kitchen to start stirring this particular stew. Still, there are so many of us that seem to suffer in silence because of our deep respect for our spouse. Or our own personal shame that our marriage is one with “problems”. We scour the internet for articles that go deeper than “division of labor” or “21 ways to keep your husband happy in bed”. We want answers to difficult questions like “How do I help my spouse through depression?”, “Is this *normal* behavior?”, “Can my marriage be saved if I’m the only one trying to save it?”, “Does it matter that my husband doesn’t believe in God?”, “Am I unchristian if I divorce a man who lashes out, but never to the point of anything physical?”. We want to know we are not alone in our struggles in our marriages. We want to know that others have been there and found their way through, one way or another. We want our resentments and fears acknowledged, but we don’t want to stop there. We want a friend to walk with us and remind us we can heal our marriages, our hearts, and not without sacrificing our emotional and psychological well-being along the way.

I will say right here that I believe being a Christian requires much self-sacrifice. But, I do not believe we are meant to suffer at the hands of cruelty or abuse. I believe we are always called to forgive. But, I do not believe we or our spouses are ever meant to continue in behaviors that  can only injure the dearest people in their lives.

I am one wife on the journey of a complicated marriage. We have a marriage that has  been rife with physical illness, mental illness, and unbelievable life stresses. We also have a marriage that has been blessed with much love, forgiveness and faith.

I will remain anonymous on this blog because I believe I am called to share my truth, my friend, with you. I feel called to share my one messy marriage with you in complete honesty so that you may have hope. And, I know for me, it is hard to gain hope from stories of marriages that seem they have never touched the depths of hell that I feel mine has at times.  I am not a professional. And this is not advice. If you need either, I pray that you will seek it from those who can help you. This is simply my story (as it continues to unfold) and one that I hope can meet you where you are in your tears and offer you (and me) the hope to continue wherever God may lead us.

I am Catholic. And this will be reflected, I am sure, in many of my posts. But, like all Catholics, I only know so much. If I ever speak in error on our faith I hope you will gently correct me so that I may learn and grow. But, please know that I know I am not an expert. I am one woman trying hard every day to be a good wife and mother and fulfill my vocation to lead my family towards heaven every day. Sometimes, I stumble and fall. Sometimes I have full system failure and crash completely. Pray for me, my friend, and I will pray for you. And together we can offer each other much hope.

In Christ,

Zelie*

*All names on this blog have been changed to protect the privacy of my family and other families that may not be ready to shed all masks in all situations.