Blog 51: “Where exactly do you see this thing going?”

So, old chum, I’ve written a few blogs over the last couple of weeks. I’ve written them, but I can’t seem to post them. They all feel disingenuous and misleading, and it’s because they are, each of them, an attempt at restoring what we had in the beginning—our carefree days. At some point, and I’m not sure either of us really noticed it, we transcended the honeymoon stage, you and I. Things aren’t like they used to be, and there’s no denying it. We’re both starting to question again and doubt whether this whole business is working. The questions are flying, and nobody has any answers.

I’m trying to jumpstart this thing—really I am—but I keep retreating to work or diversion or anything really. In the beginning it was all fun and exciting. Writing a couple of 500 to 1000 word rants a week was easy breezy CoverGirl™. But now it’s like listening to your uncle talk numismatics or watching an episode of the Gilmore Girls—something’s gotta change or someone’s gonna die. More often than not, it just feels like work.

At this point in our little adventure, I’ve pretty solidly established my persona, but putting on the witty, callous veneer is getting a little harder every day. Of course, the alternative—going all reality-TV-attention-whore on you—is equally distasteful. So where do we go from here?

I don’t want to lose what we have, but I also feel unable to guarantee the thrills and frills we’ve shared thus far. [I mean, who can forget busking with some Bieber, or double-blinding it up.] We haven’t been out in a while and our little routine is getting stale. Sure, we’re both busy, but it seems like it’s just not working. Is it too much to ask you to push through this thing with me? The confidence that I used to have isn’t so much there anymore, and it’s hard not to think about other people, other projects, other blogs.

I’m not stupid; I know running away is the easy thing. I know it’s just a way not to be known. I know moving on to the next thing is a way of circumventing growth and avoiding responsibility. But just because I know it, doesn’t mean it’s not appealing; sometimes I just want the easy thing.

How can I end it though? It’s been everything I wanted it to be. I’ve learned and I’ve grown and I’ve experienced some truly extraordinarily awkward moments. It’s been painful—for me and others—but I’ve survived and I’d like to think we’re all of us the stronger for it. And as much as I’ve hated the last couple of months, I’m still here and I’m still okay. And the whole thing with Ginger sucks, but who can really feel that sorry for me about rejecting a girl—which is at least how she assuredly experienced it. I’m still not terribly enthusiastic about running after something (someone) else, but I’ll survive. And that’s good, right?

Really all I can promise you is that I’m working on this, and that it means enough to me to fight for it. I’m going to fight for us and this thing that we have. But that’s really all I can promise. I think it can be fun again, but it might take some time. You’ll probably have to listen to me whine a bit, but I listen to you insipidly blather on all the time about stuff no one cares about. [You know it’s true.] So what do you think? Can we keep at this thing? Because I think we can.

I guess that’s it for now.

Good talk.

http://iwaveddatinghello.com/2011/08/08/blog-51-%E2%80%9Cwhere-exactly-do-you-see-this-thing-going%E2%80%9D/

The Ex Factor: So I fell in love once…

[One of the greatest challenges of my generation is relationships.  We suck at relating to God, to o

http://speakfaithfully.wordpress.com/2011/08/08/the-ex-factor-so-i-fell-in-love-once%E2%80%A6/

Friends With God, Friends With Your Neighbor

“A man can not be ‘friends with’ God on any other terms than complete obedience to Him, and that includes being ‘friends with’ his fellow man. Christ stated emphatically that it was quite impossible, in the nature of things, for a man to be at peace with God and at variance with his neighbor.”- J. B. Phillips

John Bertram Phillips, Biblical translator, author, and clergyman, wrote a fair amount of his work on the way men perceive God, each other, and the interaction of God and man. He challenged his audience’s preconceived notions at a time when it was not popular to do so (the mid-twentieth century.) This one quote is part of his writing on how men are instructed to behave with each other. Phillips reminds of both of the Lords Prayer, where we pray to be forgiven in the same manner as we forgive others, and of Christ’s admonition to make peace with our neighbor before we approach God with our offerings.

This is a very difficult thing to do. To make peace with those with whom I am angry, to give up my grudges, is an impossible thing for me to do on my own. I can see no way to do it without divine help. I must give up the grudges and try to make right what I can, because these things are obstacles between me and a peaceful relationship with God.

Matthew 5:23-24 “So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift.”

http://cityroadchapelumc.wordpress.com/2011/08/08/friends-with-god-friends-with-your-neighbor/

Wounds, or "I understand How You Feel"

[This is a personal opinion piece. There's the disclaimer.]

“I understand how you feel.” Five often over-used words. We say them to comfort others, but often we are just imagining how we would feel if we were to be in the same pain or trouble as the person we are trying to comfort. It is a problem, because as the church we are to comfort, as human beings we instinctively know that being able to let another know we understand how they feel comforts, and yet we don’t really always know how another feels. Confusing? That’s okay, I know how you feel.

I deeply feel that one of the ways Christ bridged the gap between God and mankind is by making it possible for us to truly know that God knows how we feel. Of course he did before, but now we know he came to earth and laughed and cried, and felt too weary to go on, and hurt for the loss of loved ones, and was angry, and… the list goes on. It is hard to think of Jesus hanging on the cross with the weight of the sin of the whole world on his shoulders, and honestly say, “You don’t understand how I feel.”

I also believe that this has something to do with Thomas being absent when the newly-risen Christ first appeared to the disciples. Thomas, like us, needed to see the scars. When we see and know the person who comforts us has scars, we know they understand the wounds we have, at least to some extent. And knowing that does help, even if we don’t realize it at the time. Thomas needed to see the wounds. So do we. We may believe in a risen Christ without it, but believing in a source of comfort is another matter. We must know that the wounds are there.

When my father died last year, my friends said “I know how you feel.” I looked at them and realized that most of them had lost at least one parent, some both, and some even a child. I knew they had the scars. I knew, without the need of further persuasion, that they did know, as much as any person could, how I felt. Help a lot? Not much at first. I did know, however, I was not alone. I knew there were people to whom I could turn, and I had a better perspective on how this event fit into the world and my life. In the long run, it did help and still does, for my wounds have yet to fully become scars. The healing is still going on.

Many years ago, I lost two of the closest people in my life, outside of family, within a short period of time. I developed scars that are there to this day. Additionally, because of the nature of several physical injuries, as well as chemical dependency, I spent a lot of time at the Veterans Administration Hospital waiting to see doctors (it is a very busy place.) There I spoke with many people and to this day feel we were in ministry with one another. We shared common bonds of being wounded that many of the doctors and nurses that treated us could only guess at.

I also came to know recovering alcoholics and addicts who entered recovery too late in life for their bodies to heal. In a period of around 18 months, I lost more than 20 friends. They either went back to using or their bodies just wore out. In three years, adding family to the mix, it averaged to just over one person I was close to gone a month. I found that the people in my circle of acquaintances tended to come to me when they were hurting over a loss. They knew I had the scars. Usually, all I could do was to share memories of loved ones gone past, but that was enough to let them know that they were not alone. Somehow, that helped us feel God was with us and still in charge. There was still pain, but healing was possible.

There are people everywhere hurting. They don’t need someone to come up to them out of the blue and say “I understand how you feel,” but if somehow they become aware of your scars, they may come to you and share their need without even knowing that that is what they are doing. It is only my experience, but I think that if our own wounds still need healing, sharing the scars of our experience will help them heal. I believe that is why God heals us, physically, emotionally and spiritually,  in such a way that there are always scars left behind. The scars are signs of his grace and a source of healing for ourselves and others. Just as the scars on the hands and feet and in the side of a Galilean were and are. In other words, they are the gift God gives us when we are wounded.

Only my opinion, but based on my experience and the strength and hope learned and maintained with the help of others.

To God be the Glory.

Jim H.

http://cityroadchapelumc.wordpress.com/2011/08/05/wounds-or-i-understand-how-you-feel/

Offering them Christ- per Wesley

“Never dream of forcing men into the ways of God.” –John Wesley

I know several churches, our own included, that have started to put more emphasis on “evangelism.” In most cases, our own included, the effort is centered on being more open about telling folks we are there, that Jesus is there, and in trying to live the life of a Christian. This is the way to do it in my opinion, and I think in Wesley’s.

I know people who are afraid of “evangelism.” They are afraid to step outside of their comfort zone to do it and afraid of the over-zealous person who we usually associate with this word, someone trying to force his beliefs down our throats.

Yet, that is not the way that Jesus or his initial followers evangelized. They did it by trying to follow the will of God and to openly acknowledge who they were and whose they were. And “whose” these followers were was Jesus’. If we live our lives in a way that people will be able to see Jesus on our faces, and we speak reasonably when we discuss His actions in our lives, we are evangelists.

Wesley followed the line above with the following:

“Think yourself, and let think. Use no constraint in matters of religion. Even those who are furthest out of the way never compel to come in by any other means than reason, truth and love.”- John Wesley

[Devotionals, blog posts, and commentary by members or friends of City Road Chapel will appear, Lord willing, on this blog on a daily basis. Please visit us here again or subscribe through the RSS feed to be sure you do not miss these devotionals. There are also posts on news and events and opinions and observations. Please comment if led to do so. (We will remove malicious comments, but welcome those that disagree with us if done co without resorting to personal attacks or terminology that is generally considered unacceptable on a church blog.)

Should you wish to come see us, City Road Chapel, UMC is located in Madison, TN, in the northern section of Nashville, within easy distance of Opryland (see map.) Most Sundays we have a small, early church service at 8:00a.m., Sunday School at 8:45, and another, larger worship at 10:00.

We have Sunday bus service to pick up those who cannot make it themselves. (Call 615-868-1673 for inquiries regarding this.)

All are welcome. We will try to post any changes in worship time due to special events here or on the official site.  (Map) If you wish to find out more about us, visit our official Website.]

 

http://cityroadchapelumc.wordpress.com/2011/08/04/offering-them-christ-per-wesley/

Only One Center in a Circle

John 9:1-3  “As he walked along, he saw a man blind from birth. ²His disciples asked him, ‘Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?’ Jesus answered, ‘Neither this man nor his parents sinned; he was born blind so that God’s works might be revealed in him. “

There is only one center to a circle. Christians worship God as the center, but how do we feel when we read passages where Jesus says that things we find to be bad have been done for God’s Glory? Is he that much of the center?

Matthew 22:37  “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.”

Jesus describes this as the heart of the law. He specifically emphasizes devotion to God throughout his life as depicted in the scriptures. Yet if we give all, our heart, mind, etc. to God, what should we reserve for ourselves?

Our class has recently been studying Max Lucado’s  It’s Not About Me. Some of us were surprised to learn that there were areas of our life where we bristled at God making it all about Him, not us. It was not easy to see that we needed to make everything, I mean everything, about God’s Glory, viewing God as the center of all and not to see ourselves as central to God. There can only be one center.

A wise man told me that if we were able to perfectly follow Jesus and reflect the Father, we would have no ego. Just a minuscule bit of ego is all it takes. Why? He said E.G.O. stood for “edging God out.” I feel he is right. The more of me I can surrender, the more of Him I am able to see. It is hard, though, to not think that at least part of “it” is about me. What do you think?

Jim Havron

[Devotionals, blog posts, and commentary by members or friends of City Road Chapel will appear, Lord willing, on this blog on a daily basis. Please visit us here again or subscribe through the RSS feed to be sure you do not miss these devotionals. There are also posts on news and events and opinions and observations. Please comment if led to do so. (We will remove malicious comments, but welcome those that disagree with us if done co without resorting to personal attacks or terminology that is generally considered unacceptable on a church blog.)

Should you wish to come see us, City Road Chapel, UMC is located in Madison, TN, in the northern section of Nashville, within easy distance of Opryland (see map.) Most Sundays we have a small, early church service at 8:00a.m., Sunday School at 8:45, and another, larger worship at 10:00.

We have Sunday bus service to pick up those who cannot make it themselves. (Call 615-868-1673 for inquiries regarding this.)

All are welcome. We will try to post any changes in worship time due to special events here or on the official site.  (Map) If you wish to find out more about us, visit our official Website.]

http://cityroadchapelumc.wordpress.com/2011/07/22/only-one-center-in-a-circle/

Video: Summertime Blues

Friend, it’s about time for another video blog. There are some new developments…mainly just that there aren’t any new developments.

Incidentally, tomorrow I begin my 26th year of life. So celebrations and congratulations are in order. I will make my PayPal information available in the near future to accommodate the many of you who will, I’m sure, be wanting to contribute large sums of money to the Buy Joel a Mail Order Bride fund.

We will speak again very soon, I promise.

NOTE: Dear reader, humblest apologies, in the video I stated that Carman: The Champion was released in the year of our Lord 2000, but it was, in point of fact, released in 2001. I know this is a grievous blow to my credibility, but I hope to one day regain your trust. Thank you.

http://iwaveddatinghello.com/2011/07/28/video-summertime-blues/

Lord of Hosts, Lord of Love

Isaiah 13:4

“Listen, a tumult on the mountains as of a great multitude! Listen, an uproar of kingdoms, of nations gathering together! The Lord of hosts is mustering an army for battle.”                                                ‘

God is often depicted in the Old Testament as being actively involved in combat against the enemies of His people. This is the case in this passage from Isaiah where the prophet tells of the “Lord of hosts” preparing His forces to fight Babylon. In the New Testament, for the most part, the image of God is less warlike. Still, He is there to defend His people from their enemies.

The entire Bible is a book of God’s relationship with his beloved children. When they need punishment, he administers. But He never fails to forgive and to eventually save them from the forces that would destroy them. Ultimately, He dies on a cross to defeat the Evil one and Death, the greatest enemies His people ever faced. From Genesis to Revelation God forgives and protects.

Isaiah speaks as of worldly forces being marshaled against Babylon, yet what a powerful image of a Lord of hosts coming to the aid of those who need spiritual protection.

Father God- always be there for us when we need both your forgiveness and protection. Help us to be thankful for and worthy of your protection.

http://cityroadchapelumc.wordpress.com/2011/07/20/lord-of-hosts-lord-of-love/

50: An Explication of De-fixation Vol. 2

Week 3: “All I can think about is wanting to be in a relationship.”

Even though I’m beginning to get past the idea of being with Ginger, I occasionally remember she’s somewhere in Spain and as I think about her, a part of me wonders if she might be thinking of me right then too. It’s the cheesy sort of sentimentality that kind of makes me want to undergo an intense yoga regimen until I am able to kick myself in my own genitals.

Thankfully, my confidence about the Ginger-situation is solidifying, even when my general comfort/well-being is elusive, nebulous, gelatinous, drippy, and squirming. All the expectation and longing has left a big hole in my soul, like the Grand Canyon but less grand. If not Ginger, I just want to find someone. At the moment, this is everything, and ignoring that desire seems as impossible as leaving Cici’s Pizza™ with any modicum of self-respect. It’s silly and sad, and, unfortunately, just where I am right now.

My mind automatically starts spinning and creaking as it tries to figure out possible “candidates,” as it tries desperately to fill the vacancy. Because right now I’m watching Seinfeld without Seinfeld or America’s Next Top Model without the uncontrollable desire to stab myself in the eye with a sharp implement until I manage to reach my brain and die—something’s just missing. I’m thinking about girls from my past, old subjects from the experiment, and just anyone who might possibly fit the bill.

The hardest part is that after being so close to something, I feel further from a relationship than I ever have. Logically, this makes no sense, because even as a simple chronological reality I know it can’t be true. But it’s the way it feels.

However, friend, I can’t help but feel grateful, because there is a dry, happy corner in this puddle of self-pity. In the midst of all this talk about relationship ending, I’m in the middle of reconciling with a friend. It’s one of the few relationships I have ever lost tragically, and the fact that it’s coming back together is both inspiring and reality-inducing. So that’s good.

Week 4: “I think the storm has finally subsided.”

My heart is a great deal calmer and my eyes clearer as I am able to see the situation with more objectivity, more distance. It’s a painful process, because it means I have to acknowledge the level of self-deception that was taking place throughout the whole thing. I kind of feel like I’ve been in a dream, and Leonardo DiCaprio and Joseph Gordon-Levitt have been effing with my mind hardcore. And, of course, the fact that I was actually the architect of the whole convoluted disappointment makes it all the more disorienting.

I’m refocusing though. A major bout of sickness crushes me with the weight of Chris Farley’s thigh, and between my frantic/frequent trips to the bathroom, I hear from God. I let go of myself and release my future. I feel a renewed sense of peace and patience and purpose. My lack of bowel control is balanced by a different sense of control, of stability. It’s all becoming sort of okay, sort of tolerable, sort of…different.

I’ve got some confidence, if not certainty. But then, when have I ever had certainty?

http://iwaveddatinghello.com/2011/07/20/50-an-explication-of-de-fixation-vol-2/

49: No We, No Us, Just Me

It’s the end of the second week—the second week after disassembling the “we” that briefly consisted of Ginger Grande and myself. It’s Saturday and I’m feeling pretty good. I’m spending time with one of my closest friends and his wife. We talk about various things over the course of the day, but at some point the three of us end up talking about what happened with Ginger. They end up consoling me and encouraging me about my choice, assuring me it was for the best. It’s a good conversation, and after a week of doubting, it’s like I start to regain my footing a little bit, like I’m starting to move forward again and to progress. But again, something happens: within the hour, I get a text…this time from Ginger.

She asks if we can meet at some point, because she has some things she wants to say. It’s a handful of words that could easily fit on a fortune cookie fortune, but they fall on my foot with the weight of a full set of encyclopedias. In a moment I am overwhelmed and without any words of my own with which to respond. I feel rather like an overused desktop printer, out of ink and sputtering in frustration. But eventually, I do buck up and tap out a terse reply, allowing the airwaves to take from me the little I can manage to surrender.

Yeah, we can meet, but not today. Tomorrow? Yeah. After church? Yeah. Starbucks? Yeah. See you then? Yeah.

Tomorrow. At church, we’ve been studying the book of Exodus. On this particular Sunday we’re talking about how the Israelites, having just crossed the Red Sea, are whining about their difficulties in the desert. They say they want to go back to Egypt, back to being slaves. They long for the certainty of their experience, where they knew what to expect, where they could at least survive. They remember their slavery fondly, explaining that they sat around eating “pots of meat.” The whole thing hits me in a profound way. After playing the same game in my head the whole week before, I’m struck with a renewed resolve. Though, I don’t necessarily feel any better, because I still don’t know what to expect from this meeting.

After the service, I leave straight away to meet Ginger. I arrive at Starbucks a few minutes late. But it’s okay because she’s not there yet. I order a drink and sit down. It seems like maybe the barista is flirting with me. I’m polite with him, but obviously don’t reciprocate. I just sit and wait. As I wait, I’m trying to prepare myself for what’s coming, but I feel rather like a cub scout with a fresh basketry badge stumbling upon the hideout of a heavily armed Al-Qaeda splinter group.

At this point, Ginger is really running behind. Strangely though, it doesn’t really bother me. Sure, I’m crazy-anxious, but I also feel like I deserve this. I kind of feel like I need to do some penance for hurting her, and anyway I’m just glad to not be the one causing discomfort at the moment. The self-martyrdom brings me an artificial feeling of control, and I cling to it heartily.

Eventually, I see Ginger’s frame darkening the door, her head haloed by the hot summer sun. I take a deep breath and conjure up a nervous half-smile as she walks in. We greet one another and then she heads to the counter. For a brief moment, I wonder if I’m supposed to pay for her, but summarily decide against it. She comes back, drops down in the chair opposite me, and we start awkward-ing.

I try to let her do the talking, because it’s her meeting. She’s leaving the next day for Spain. It’s a semester abroad sort of deal, and she’s going to be gone over a month. She wants to get some things out in the open before she flies the coop. Apparently, a third party had suggested this little meeting, and consequently her explanation for why it’s necessary seems a bit convoluted. The pith of it though, as I understand it, is that she says the blog is not a good way to start a relationship and that the whole thing is pretty unfair.

I tell her I agree with her, but add that this whole experiment was never designed to be a good way to start a relationship, nor was the goal ever to start one. I also attempt a fuller explanation of my decision to end things. Ginger says it helps to get some clarification, because it had seemed like it was “out of nowhere.”

After some of the awkward is shook out of our shoes like rocks, the conversation normalizes. I ask her how she’s been and how she’s feeling about her trip. We talk for quite a while. But when we both start getting hungry, we decide it’s time to leave. The awkwardness reemerges as we, I think, simultaneously realize we can’t eat together.

“I guess we’re sort of acting like friends now.” Ginger says. “And I don’t know what that means.” She says she wants to be able to hang out with me, but is not sure it’s such a good idea. I tell her I’ll let the ball stay in her court for a while on that one, but I’m pretty unsure about it too. We hug. We say goodbye. We leave.

As I’m driving home, my mind is churning like an overfull stomach. I’m still wondering what could have been and how I could have handled things better. I mostly feel okay about how it went, but it still hurts. Once again, I feel peaceful about my decision, but I still miss the dream—the dream of “us.”

Hopefully, friend, the week will get better from here.

http://iwaveddatinghello.com/2011/07/16/49-no-we-no-us-just-me/

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