In the previous marriage kit post, we were interviewing my minister about marriage. He will be married for 19 years on August 17th. He has shared his views on  how to get to know someone and what the qualifications for a husband/wife are. In part two of the interview, we are discussing red flags to look for, how independent women affect relationships, Always Something Better Syndrome (ASBS), commitment phobia, common issues in marriage, and what people need to be doing during engagement and their first year of marriage for a solid foundation.

12. What are some red flags to look for?

Someone who is unaccountable. I believe you see everything up front before you go in. Don’t believe you can change it; accept that it’s there. Accept what you see.

14. How do we know that “this is who God has for me?” Is that a notion you agree with?

Proverbs 31 is the wife God has for a Christian Man. God doesn’t choose who we marry; He chose what we marry. You know what God chose for you *I shake my head* A male. *Laughs* God leaves the decision up to us, so we can be held accountable for our decisions.

15. How does a man find a wife?

He looks where Godly women are to be found. You find a good wife like you find a church *references Proverbs 31* By referring to scripture, wise council–you have to involve older people.

16. How do you feel ideas of independent women affect relationships?

I believe that has been brought on by an atmosphere of illegitimate children, irresponsible husbands/fathers, the economy, home structure, and supply/demand. Girls are made to work; they are held to a higher standard. Women are more aggressive &  studious. It can cripple a Christian home if a woman does not value her role in being submissive to her husband. It’s brought on by negative impulses, culture/tv glamorizing independent women. It’s a climate of default, with women having been defrauded by me. A man has to be sensitive to the fact that this is something she has had to do and over time gain her trust and confidence and show that she can depend on him.

17. What are your thoughts on ASBS? Does such a syndrome exist?

I think that it needs to happen and not be forced. A person needs to allow themselves to feel that something is right. If a person is really given to God, two people can meet a certain personality and just click; certain personalities clash. I think you need to expand, go broader, expand your borders, step out of your comfort zone.

18. How long should an engagement be? When should you get married?

Immediately–time depends on length of courtship. If you date five years, one month; if you date 1 yr., 4-6 months for arrangements, housing. But no longer than six months.

19. What should you be doing the first year of marriage?

Enjoying yourself. Taking out all elements of fear; validating “you made the right choice”; implementing conflict management strategies, financial management; learning how to respect each other’s space, show good faith; implement your theories discussed while dating/engaged.

20. How do you navigate In-law relationships & family relationships?

When you have an issue with your partner, call their people–they will still love him afterwards & they have insight into their character. Don’t call your people and complain about your spouse. Also, never lend to your family, check with your spouse; make sure your family knows they have to go to your spouse for things and vice versa. They will be nicer to them knowing they have that kind of say so, and it prevent arguments like “you’re always lending your family money.”

From the cutting room floor: comments that didn’t fit anywhere else:

• Allow yourself an opportunity to meet someone that when something funny happens at work, she would be the first person you’ll call.
• Doctrinal reasons alone would not have kept us together; the idea of marriage was solely based on Christianity, but staying married influenced by upbringing. We weren’t ready for marriage when we got married.
• based on divine righteousness, it becomes greater than personalities clicking.

Staying Out of The Grumble Zone

James 5:9

Don’t grumble against each other, brothers, or you will be judged.   The Judge is standing at the door!

Grumbling is the favorite sport of some church going folks (I dare not call them Christians.) They are never pleased about the colors of the walls, the way the money is being spent, or with the food on Wednesday night.  They disagree with the sermon, don’t like the Sunday School literature, and decide God can only be found in hymns written 50 years ago.  Sometimes they attack others as if they were enemies, not members of the Family of God.

In my walk, I struggle against grumbling.  Being discontent with others does nothing to gain their friendship or to further their growth in the Christian faith.  I must learn to overcome my own dislikes with positive interpretations of what others are doing.  I must practice forgiveness until I respond in positive ways to everyone.  It is very easy to find the wrong in others and it is very hard to look over insults and dislikes. However, as I look beyond my momentary frustrations, I can find the goodness that is in others, and together we can work toward experiencing the love of Christ.

Dear Lord, show me ways to not be grumpy and to refrain from thinking ill of others.  Help me to be on the lookout for the good part of even the worst of times and situations.  Show me the upside of life and help me to avoid the temptation to be discontented with temporary circumstances.  Let my eyes stay fixed on the blessings of your kingdom of goodness.

I must learn to avoid grumbling and to replace those thoughts and words with the joy of experiencing your grace in the midst of all things.

Blessings,

Ron

[Ron Lowery is the Senior Pastor of City Road Chapel, UMC, among other things. His Good Friday Thoughts is a weekly feature on this blog. Please visit us again or subscribe through the RSS feed to be sure you do not miss this devotional.]

Should you wish to join us, City Road Chapel, UMC is located in Madison, TN, in the northern section of Nashville, within easy distance of Opryland (see map.) Most Sundays we have a small, early church service at 8:00a.m., Sunday School at 8:45, and another, larger  worship at 10:00.  We have Sunday bus service to pick up those who cannot make it themselves. (Call 615-868-1673 for inquiries.) All are welcome. We will try to post any changes in worship time due to special events here or on the official site.  (Map) If you wish to find out more about us, visit our official Website.

After rereading both what I posted already and the rest of the interview, and rewinding the conversation in my head, I was finally able to work out what’s been bothering me about this whole process. I’ve felt for a long time that certain things that I encountered were wrong, but I didn’t know how to express it, or why I felt that way, but now that I have my thoughts together, I’m going to tell you why this is so important to me.

As my regular readers know (hey y’all Love you lots!), I have a boyfriend of 2 years, 8 months, and something something days (math is not my strong suit). I have always been interested in marriage and relationships, but being in a relationship gives you a different perspective. A lot of questions began not to be academic. I couldn’t put off thinking about relationship and marriage related topics for another time. I was in a relationship and there were some things I needed to be aware of, some things I needed to know.

I mentioned a LONG time ago that my mother did not raise me to be very feminine. She didn’t teach me to groom my eyebrows, apply makeup, fashion sense, etc. She taught me to be clean (house and body), to work hard, to do my best, and a lot of other great personality traits, but there were some things I had to learn on my own. Relationships were one of those things. Though I had a stepfather, my mother has never been married and couldn’t really give me much insight into the institution (my mother and stepfather were together over 21 years before he passed last year). So when I began contemplating what marriage really was and what a couple needed to do to STAY married, I had to look further afield.

That’s where I have been encountering the problem. Since early on in my relationship, people have been pressing Mr. P and me about when we were getting married. It didn’t matter if they were family members, church members, friends, even co-workers, they asked. So I thought to myself that surely all of these people who are pushing marriage would be willing to talk to me about what marriage was and how to grow a young marriage. Surely they would want to talk to me about how to choose a good mate. But this isn’t what I’ve found.

People are in a hurry to press marriage as the answer to fornication, barely making it, shacking up, illegitimate children…it may even be touted to bring about world peace…but they are much slower to explain marriage, to give the pros and cons and things to consider before yolking yourself to another person. I felt that it was especially important to get the Christian perspective, as marriage is an institution instituted by God to achieve His will and for His express purposes.

Many people tell me that they don’t know any married couples, don’t have any examples of married couples. They have never seen a marriage that is successful…or unsuccessful in some instances. So the whole point of these posts will be to give perspectives on marriage from people who are married. I’m learning as much as anyone else. I’m sharing the treasure trove of wisdom I have with you.

So please, please, please read carefully, ask questions, make comments, and think about the questions and responses. People are taking time out of their lives to share with you because they believe marriage is important, worth the effort to get right. I’ll be posting the rest of the initial conversation with my minister soon, as well as his wife, our elders & their wives, several other married couples in the church, Pink Susie and her husband of 40 years, and anyone else who wants to participate and contacts me: 2blu2btru4u[at] gmail [dot] com.

Hopefully you get something out of the marriage kits and are blessed by my efforts.

Photo by bea29sm

A few years ago I was faced with a dilemma: whether or not to warn my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend about his porn addiction. I had a pretty good idea he’d hide it, so I felt sorry for her and I wondered if I should help her out.

We’re all believers, and from a Christian perspective porn is a problem. Well, to him it was sort of a problem, but not serious enough to quit. This was the issue that had torn us apart and ended our relationship the previous year. When we finally broke up he said it had been a mistake to tell me about his porn issue in the first place. And he wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice.

When I shared this dilemma with some of my girl friends, I was surprised when one of them defended my ex-boyfriend. She almost warned him about the decision I was trying to make. I was stunned. Wouldn’t any girl want to know something like this long before she hands over her heart and the rest of her life on their wedding day?

Hypothetically, let’s say you haven’t met your future husband yet. He has an addiction to porn, and it’s a problem that’s pretty easy to hide. He has learned from the past that being honest about it brings only conflict. So he decides not to tell his future girlfriend about it.

Then he meets you.

You fall head over heels in love. He’s sweet, funny, hard working, handsome, goes to church every Sunday, yada yada. As far as you’re concerned, he’s the one you’ve been waiting for! He’s the man with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. He’ll be the father of your children, the one you grow old with.

Would you want to know his secret before saying your vows? And would you appreciate his ex-girlfriend telling you about it?

As for my own situation, I chickened out of saying anything. If his now-wife is ever hurt by something I could have prevented, I can already imagine how responsible and heartbroken I’ll feel.

Does your man guilt you into overlooking his porn-viewing habit, even pushing you to accept or approve of it?

My ex-boyfriend threatened to end our relationship if I didn’t come to terms with the idea that porn might just be a part of the rest of his life. I wasn’t ‘accepting’ him; I was ‘judging’ him and trying to ‘change’ him. Those were his accusations agains me when I pleaded repeatedly for him to get help. He told me I was the one who needed help; I was too sensitive. This sort of thing wouldn’t bother me, he said, if I had healthy self-esteem. My words for it were different. He was cheating on me. It was hurtful, it was unloving and wrong.

Something didn’t sit right about his explanation of the whole thing, so I started talking to people. I searched the Scriptures for answers and the internet for support. I learned that he’s far from being the only Christian guy in denial about sexual addiction. The numbers are, sadly, huge. Promise Keepers has reported that 70% of men have a weakness for porn, and 40% of pastors struggle with viewing porn online.

During my research I also found people, like the guy in the video (below) and the writers at Promise Keepers, who see the problem objectively and call it what it is. Lust is widespread and it is sin. And it wreaks havoc in the lives of wives and girlfriends, and everyone else who’s life it touches.

If your husband or boyfriend denies the real effect of his porn addiction on you or on himself, don’t let him guilt you into supporting his addiction (or habit or whatever he may call it). If he’s not ready to give it up, the last thing on earth he wants is to hear that he’s hurting you, that he’s dealing with an addiction, and that it’s a serious problem, so he’ll use manipulation or intimidation (or both) to make you buy into his fantasy that everything’s okay. For your sake and his, please don’t let yourself get caught in the lies that are already entangling him. It is absolutely wrong, and it’s perfectly natural to feel hurt.

If you need to vent or if you’d like encouragement from someone who understands, please don’t hesitate to comment here. I’d be glad to hear from you and help any way that I can.