Sexuality in Marriage

Egalitarian Sex.  Biblically, is there any other kind?  After all, the sole New Testament mention of authority within marriage occurs in 1 Corinthians 7:4

The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.  1 Cor 7:4

As you can see, this “authority” does not go one way but is completely mutual and vice versa.  The structure and symmetry in 1 Corinthians 7 is enlightening and beautiful.  See “Beautiful Symmetry in 1 Corinthians 7″ by Don Johnson.

I can’t speak for other egalitarians but when I confess that “I am egalitarian”, I mean men and women are equal and should have equal authority, honor, and voice within marriage and within the church. But men and women are not the same.  While there are likely to be exceptions to generalizations about male or female, I propose that recognizing common differences and how to navigate them can help our marriages to be more satisfying- sexuality included.

My marriage of 30 years  suffered under enormous baggage and destruction from porn exposure and childhood sexual abuse and I am deeply disturbed by the popular teachings and trends toward The Church of Sex (David Kupelian weighs in with his great insights!).  Marriage does not automatically stamp any and all sex as “pure and undefiled” Heb 13:4.  Sex within marriage can be exploitative.  And it can move back and forth between holy and exploitative (which is confusing).

As usual, I can’t speak for all egalitarians nor for all women but I can speak from my own experience.  I was naive.  It took a male christian marriage counselor professionally trained in psychology to set me straight that the demand for certain sex acts is symptomatic of porn usage and while sex is a biblical entitlement of marriage, I need not ever violate my own conscience!  I wish Christian men heard less teaching which guilt trips and condemns wives  into playing harlot, and more teaching along the lines of what David Kupelian and Janet Mefford say here-(start at minute 26:00) or Rabbi Lamm’s “The Jewish Way of Love and Marriage”.

• Sex As A Married Wife’s Right and A Husband’s Duty (“The Jewish Way”)
• Sensitive Appreciation of the Sexual Union (“The Jewish Way”)
• Consequences of a Husband Compelling His Wife Into Intimacy Against Her Desire (“The Jewish Way”)

This is from the first link:

The onah experience may not be mere mechanical fulfillment, for as such it does not conform to the biblical requirement to rejoice one’s wife. Rejoicing means satisfying needs, and it signifies a sensitive and caring involvement of the whole person and a genuine sense of intimacy, (kiruv). Therefore, Mainonides teaches that one may not have intercourse without being mindful, sensitive, and alert. “One may not have intercourse while either intoxicated or sluggish or in mourning; nor when [one’s wife] is asleep, nor by overpowering her; but only with her consent and if both are in a happy mood.” The act must be capable of expressing devotion. Thus one may not have intercourse if husband and wife are not committed to one another are thinking of divorce, nor if they quarreled during the daytime and have not resolved it by nightfall. Raavad refers to this as exploitation, using one’s partner as a harlot. One should not perform the conjugal act while imagining some other partner. The physical onah must be expressive of love; otherwise, it is simply animalistic…

In addressing this area which can be so very tender and vulnerable, my last word for you is HOPE.  God is in the business of healing and victory and he is on the side of your marriage no matter what the baggage and issues which need to be overcome.  As a wife, I had to learn to exercise my God-given equal authority and fight spiritual warfare on behalf of my husband and our marriage.  We have matured, reclaimed ground the enemy had taken, and our sexual intimacy has never been better.  There is HOPE!

http://2hold.wordpress.com/2012/04/09/egalitarian-sex/

Life Saver or Life Taker

I got a text from my daughter in Atlanta today with a chilling report; Bradley, our two year old grandson nearly choked on a life saver during worship at their church. Tracy looked at him and noticed his lips were blue and wasn’t breathing. She immediately grabbed him and did the heimlich maneuver on his little body, thus saving his life. I was relieved and realized the phone call could have been much different.

How ironic to nearly choke to death on a life saver!

Yet, this can happen in marriage as well. We all sin. We all struggle. We all face times when our marriage isn’t playing out the way we expected. But God is ever watching, ready to help us in our time of need. He is ready to help us, to free us from that which would seek to destroy our marriage.

What is causing you to choke today? Finances? Lack of sexual intimacy? Joblessness? Anger and/or bitterness? Unconfessed sin? Adultery? Whatever it is there is hope for you. Don’t let these sins and/or troubles choke out the love you share with your spouse. Even when it seems they are the ones who have caused you the trouble,  God is your ever present help. Run to Him and ask for His guidance to continue loving your spouse the way Christ has loved you. And watch how God rescues you. He loves to rescue His children, and your marriage is included, if we will but ask!

Why not plan some time this week to talk about the little things that trouble you? Don’t wait until they are so big you can hardly breathe! God desires to give life to our marriages, not take it away. But we must listen to Him and respond accordingly.

♥ Things To Do In Orlando ♥

CENTRAL

• Winter Park – 2nd Thursdays at Hannibal Square. Event features live music, art and entertainment in the Hannibal Square district (New England Avenue between New York and Pennsylvania.) Free admission.
• Winter Park – Morse Museum of American Art presents its Open House on Friday, April 13th from 4p – 8p. FREE chamber music as well as admission.
• Winter Park – Doggie Art Festival on Sunday, April 15th from 10a. to 4p.
• Maitland – The Maitland Art Center presents Culture and Cocktails on Friday, April 13th from 6p – 9p. Admission is $5 and includes one drink ticket. The Crepe Company Food Truck will be onsite offering delicious food. Live music as well as live exhibits will enhance the evening.
• Maitland – Spring Festival of the Arts will take place on April 14th & 15th. Enjoy fine arts and crafts around beautiful Lake Lily in Maitland from 9am – 5pm on Saturday and 9am – 4pm on Sunday.Free admission.
• Florida Film Festival will begin on Friday, April 13th and run through April 22nd. See site for details.
• Harry P. Leu Gardens presents the Jazz N Blues Stroll on Saturday, April 14th from 7p. – 10p. Pack a picnic, bring your chairs and enjoy live music under the stars. Cost is varied, see site for prices. Gates open at 6:30p.
• Lake Eola – Spring Festival in the Park on April 14th and 15th.
• Orlando Parade of Homes begins on Saturday, April 14th.

NORTH

• Sanford – Alive After Five presents its annual Chili Cook Off on Thursday, April 12th from 5p – 9p. Cost is $5 and includes samples of food and drinks.
• Altamonte Springs – Uptown Altamonte presents Friday Night Live on April 13th from 7p – 9p. FREE.
• Mt. Dora – Movie in the Park on Friday, April 13th. Showtime is Dusk. FREE.

EAST

• Oviedo – Taste of Oviedo will take place on Saturday, April 14th from 10a. to 6p. See site for details.

SOUTH

• St. Cloud at Harmony – Dark Sky Festival will take place on Saturday, April 14th. This outdoor festival at Harmony in St. Cloud from 7 – 11pm will include stargazing through telescopes with knowledgeable guides to explain what guests are seeing, informative speakers, live entertainment and a kid zone with hands on interactive exhibits. Free admission.

WEST

• Celebration – Exotic Car Festival on Thursday, April 12th – Sunday, April 15th. The Ferrari Club of Central Florida will exhibit their cars at the waterfront. Admission is FREE.

http://theromanticvineyard.com/2012/04/09/life-saver-or-life-taker/

The Boring Spouse

I think that every married couple has one person who likes to have fun and the other who thinks they need to work.  One who spends money and the other is tight.  One who is exciting and adventurous and the other loves to follow the rules.  We seem to be attracted to our opposite.  I don’t think one is better than the other, they both seem to have their weaknesses and strengths.

In our marriage, I am the boring spouse.  I am the one who would like to spend the weekend painting the walls and getting things done instead of going out and having fun.  I tend to focus on things like cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids, doing yard work, etc.  I’m very, very good at following rules, I like to think of myself as a converted pharisee, because I am slowly realizing how unimportant the rules are and how important that grace and love are.  In the prodigal son story, I am/was the heartless older brother.

You’ll notice that my blog is not about these things.  I rarely write about cleaning, homemaking, taking care of kids, how to be an obedient wife.  My blog is about sex, how to make marriage fun and how to be exciting.  I write about my weaknesses in an attempt to improve my marriage.  It doesn’t feel as holy to me to write about these things as it would to write about how submissive and obedient that I am; but God has a sense of humor, doesn’t He?  He is a God of the unexpected. (kind of like the summer I came to Him and told Him I was ready to go dig ditches in the deserts of Africa and He sent me to evangelize in casinos at Lake Tahoe)  He is not only a God who loves obedient, humble children; but He wants us to enjoy Him fully and live life.

So, in order to work on my marriage and become more holy; I’ve been spending large portions of my day thinking about sex, and what truly arouses me and how to use that to make my marriage more full and complete. (and it is amazingly fun)  And I tell God, “is this really where You want me focused?”  And He laughs and lets me know that He loves me and there is nothing more important for me to do than to love those around me (especially my husband) and to enjoy my Lord fully.  And I think; God, this isn’t what I expected when I signed up for Christianity.  This isn’t where I thought You’d lead me.

Related articles

• Treat Your Husband Like A Boyfriend (stacyknows.com)
• Rules for Reconnecting with Your Spouse (marriagegems.com)
• I think, perhaps, we’re boring… (thenewlywedwife.wordpress.com)

http://passionatechristianmarriage.wordpress.com/2012/04/08/the-boring-spouse/

A Text And A Smile

It is Thursday night, and Tom and I have been apart all week. I’ve been in Georgia helping my daughter pack for an upcoming move. Tom is in Miami on business. Imagine my delight when I got the following text and picture:

I didn’t even know it was a full moon tonight. I responded by sending him the following:

 Yes, we live in a world of amazing technology. It’s fun to use it in a special way to communicate our love when circumstances prevent us from being together.

Now it’s time to announce our Easter Egg Hunt winner.

But before we do, we want to recap where all 16 of the eggs were found and the keyword located next to it that we believe helps promote a healthy marriage:

Egg #1- well-written books and the biblical truths they emphasize found in the Best “Cellers” Store

Egg #2-walk with integrity found on the Courageous page

Egg #3-Be kind found on Day 2 on Fireproof Your Marriage

Egg #4-amazing grace found on the “Our Story” tab

Egg #5-communication found on “Soil Samples” tab

Egg #6-committed to love found on “Tasting Room” tab

Egg #7-faithful found on “The Wine Press” tab

Egg #8-regular time alone together found on “Vintage Collection” tab

Egg #9-encouragement found on “Wine Train (blogroll)” tab

Egg #10-patience found on “You’re Engaged!” tab

Egg #11-The Gospel  found on the “Best Cellers Store” tab

Egg #12-honor and respect found on Day 15 of Fireproof Your Marriage

Egg #13- initiate sex found on Day 32 of Fireproof Your Marriage

Egg #14-a local church found on “Wine Train (blogroll)” tab

Egg #15-a great sense of humor found on “Wine Train (blogroll)” tab

Golden Egg-says “Happy Easter” and unselfishness and is at the bottom of the page that talks about the Easter Egg Hunt, right above the archives

We had 23 correct entries into our contest. The winner will receive a gift card to the restaurant of their choice. And the winner is:

Jason Graves

Congratulations, Jason. If you’ll e-mail us your mailing address along with the name of your favorite restaurant, we’ll get your gift in the mail. Happy Easter!

And thanks to everyone for playing!

http://theromanticvineyard.com/2012/04/06/7151/

Clinging Vines

This is a repost from August 2010. The message is so important to a healthy marriage we’ve decided to re-post it for you today on this Easter weekend!

Clinging Vines

http://theromanticvineyard.com/2012/04/07/clinging-vines-2/

Real Marriage Series: Mark Driscoll

A new series by Mark Driscoll from Mars Hill Church, below is a preview and the link to the 1st part of the series, “New Marriage, Same Spouse” http://marshill.com/media/real-marriage/new-marriage-same-spouse

http://thebiblicalmarriage.com/2012/04/05/real-marriage-series-mark-driscoll/

Book Review: Real Marriage….

I just finished reading Real Marriage the Truth about Sex, Friendship and Life Together by Mark and Grace Driscoll. I read it in part because there has been so much controversy surrounding the book and I wanted to see for myself what people seemed to be up in such arms about. Mark Driscoll certainly has been a lightening rod for controversy for quite awhile. People seem to love him or be very vehemently opposed to him. After reading the book I have to agree with the lovers. I think this was a book that really needed to be written and I applaud Grace Driscoll for stepping out of the background and being willing to share some difficult events in her life in order to connect and minister.

There is no denying that expectations, struggles and frustrations in marriage have a different flavor in American culture these days. More couples bring the baggage of past sexual relationships and abuse into their marriages. For the first time in Western history there has also been a whole generation of young men raised to expect that their wives will work and contribute to the family finances, many times even after their children are born.  Women today also have different expectations as they enter a Christian marriage than their mothers and grandmothers did. On one hand young Christian women today are products of both the feminist and sexual revolution, but as Christians are curious about how to enjoy expanded opportunities while desiring to discover what Biblical womanhood looks like. How do they navigate the waters of marriage without sacrificing equality and while taking up the role of wife and mother? The push and pull of competing messages between the world and church is enough to cause both internal and external tension. I believe that this book does a good job of touching on many of these issues.

Mark and Grace start the book off with their own story, explaining why friendship and a good sexual relationship are important cornerstones in marriage. The later chapters on sex are frank and well written. We need to have these conversations as couples and also as the church. I’m not sure I totally agree on all points, but I can see where Mark is coming from and do agree that we need to be more willing to talk about sex and sexuality in church.

I personally liked the last chapter of the book on living intentionally and “reverse engineering” life. I think it will make for an interesting conversation with my husband when he gets through with the chapter.

So, if you are looking for a marriage book to read and discuss with your husband I think Real Marriage is an excellent choice. Let me know what you think after you read it and if you have a favorite book that addresses marriage let me know about it.

http://gotmommyquestions.wordpress.com/2012/04/05/book-review-real-marriage/

Marriage - The Definition Matters

I am grateful to John Milbank for this article. Marriage matters in the building of human society, a

http://nwcc.wordpress.com/2012/04/03/marriage-the-definition-matters-3/

Be Kind to Your Spouse

And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing. Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

I Corinthians 13:3-4 (emphasis added)

Christian spouses must “be kind” to each other.

Come with me from Lebanon, my spouse, with me from Lebanon: look from the top of Amana, from the top of Shenir and Hermon, from the lions’ dens, from the mountains of the leopards.

Song of Solomon 4:8 (emphasis added)

We must “come down” from the “high places:” the things in our lives that seem so important that they are overshadowing the importance of giving time and attention to our spouses. These include not only the material hobbies and pleasures and pursuits of this world, but even the “good things” we do: our devotion time; our prayer time; our church time; our ministry time. I am not saying that we shouldn’t be doing these things. We should. But there must be times when we pause, and say to our spouses, “‘Come down’ and spend time with me.”

There is also a warning that our “high places” are not only keeping us from spending time and attention on our spouse, but they can also be dangerous places.

Come with me from Lebanon, my spouse, with me from Lebanon: look from the top of Amana, from the top of Shenir and Hermon, from the lions’ dens, from the mountains of the leopards.

Song of Solomon 4:8 (emphasis added)

The mountains of Lebanon looked like mighty strongholds – but they were really the mountains of leopards and of lions’ dens. Satan, like a roaring lion, is out to devour your marriage and your family. I should want my wife to feel safer – physically and emotionally – with me, than with any worldly fortification.

Thou hast ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; thou hast ravished my heart with one of thine eyes, with one chain of thy neck.

Song of Solomon 4:9

Does your spouse – with just one of his or her eyes – just a glance in your direction – ravish your heart? True Christian love is kind, and kindness says that you should respond as though it does.

How little we understand of agape love! The word “ravished” means to capture someone’s heart – to make him or her come alive with desire – literally to cause the heartbeat to speed up. Was there ever a time when just a glance from your spouse made you so excited that you felt giddy – when your heartbeat sped up? Sadly, for many, that time has departed, but “kindness” reminds us that we must show excitement toward our spouse – not because he or she “deserves” it, but because of grace.

In Song of Solomon the husband goes to visit his bride, and she says,

I sleep, but my heart waketh: it is the voice of my beloved that knocketh, saying, Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my undefiled: for my head is filled with dew, and my locks with the drops of the night. I have put off my coat; how shall I put it on? I have washed my feet; how shall I defile them?

Song of Solomon 5:2-3

How often does your spouse want to spend time with you? How often does he or she knock on your door, and find you too “tired” (or too lazy)? Too often our response is, “I’ve done enough for you today. I’m having ‘me’ time now.”

I opened to my beloved; but my beloved had withdrawn himself, and was gone: my soul failed when he spake: I sought him, but I could not find him; I called him, but he gave me no answer.

Song of Solomon 5:6

If I am not exercising kindness, and my spouse is making me plead with her just to spend time with me, my flesh wants to say, “Just forget it – if you want to spend time apart from me, go ahead. From now on, you come to me – I don’t come to you.” And I forget that the sovereign God could say the same thing about me. But instead He shows kindness.

The watchmen that went about the city found me, they smote me, they wounded me; the keepers of the walls took away my veil from me. I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if ye find my beloved, that ye tell him, that I am sick of love. What is thy beloved more than another beloved, O thou fairest among women? what is thy beloved more than another beloved, that thou dost so charge us?

Song of Solomon 5:7-9

Are we so careless with our spouse’s love that others will think, “What’s so special about a ‘Christian’ marriage? You don’t even get excited about spending time with your spouse. Why should we want that?”

Kindness is evidence that you are anxious for your spouse to notice you – that you desperately want to be in your spouse’s presence.

A garden inclosed is my sister, my spouse; a spring shut up, a fountain sealed.

Song of Solomon 4:12

Christian marriage must be “a garden inclosed.” It must be a place where – out of kindness to your spouse – you have shut the door to many things – even things that aren’t necessarily bad, but that just aren’t indicative of kindness.

Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.

Song of Solomon 4:16

As a faithful spouse, one of your greatest desires should be that your disposition is so kind that your mate would come to you and find you pleasing. Christian marriages are to be a picture of Christ and the Church, but not everything should necessarily be seen by the outside world. When you are awaiting your spouse, your attitude should be that of a prepared place waiting with expectancy to be filled at any moment with the presence of your spouse.

For kindness to be present, though, Christ must be the center of your marriage. He must be invited into the midst of our marital homes. If you invoked His Name at your wedding, do not think that He will now sit meekly on the sidelines of marriage like a genie in a bottle waiting to be summoned out to patch up our lack of love. Once you have invited Him, there are repercussions to ignoring Him.

http://swimthedeepend.wordpress.com/2012/04/02/be-kind-to-your-spouse/

Unequally Yoked

But for those who are married, I have a command that comes not from me, but from the Lord. A wife must not leave her husband. But if she does leave him, let her remain single or else be reconciled to him. And the husband must not leave his wife. Now, I will speak to the rest of you, though I do not have a direct command from the Lord. If a Christian man has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her. And if a Christian woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. For the Christian wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the Christian husband brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not be holy, but now they are holy.  (But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.) Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you? Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you. This is my rule for all the churches. (1 Cor. 7:10-17)

http://creatingweddedbliss.wordpress.com/2012/04/04/unequally-yoked/

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