The Love and Respect Devotional Experience

Working in around books all day, I have been fully aware that the book, Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Emerson Eggerichs has been a bit of a sleeper title.  By that I mean a book which releases somewhat quietly, but then builds; and while other titles from 2004 have either become mostly forgotten or been discontinued altogether, Love and Respect shows no signs of slowing down; in some areas it is still taking off.

So when our friends at Graf-Martin Communications were doing a blog blitz on a recently-released spinoff, The Love & Respect Experience: A Husband-Friendly Devotional That Wives Truly Love, I knew I was getting a second chance to view the material up close. 

But how to review a devotional book?  Do I speed-read every entry?  That proved not to be an issue.  Finally getting around to opening the book, I discovered the feeling one might get upon opening a book and having hundred dollar bills (or, for our UK readers, fifty pound notes) fall out of every page.  It’s that rich.  I read chapter one.  Then chapter two.  Then chapter three.  Then, seeing an extensive note on it at the back, chapter thirteen.  Which directed me to consider chapter five.  And so on.

However first, I began with the introduction.  This is a book that aims to cut to the heart of the problems often encountered in the couple devotional genre.  He finds the material too feminine in orientation.  She wants to just read the material on her own.  Either spouse feels they’re being “prayed at” or corrected in the middle of the prayer time that follows. 

Next, I skipped over to page 273, an appendix offering a summary of the Love and Respect concept as taught in the original book, in seminars and available (only) at the authors’ website on DVD.  Since the book has been out for more than seven years, I don’t think it’s a spoiler to say that the L&R concept is:

Without love, she reacts without respect
Without respect, he reacts without love

That’s the great axiom of the book, and there are at least two other corollaries which follow from it directly, the most obvious being:

His love motivates her respect
Her respect motivates his love

The decision to include only 52 chapters implies a weekly time together for couples, though the authors are clear that this is just one of many possibilities and also note that nowhere does scripture mandate that couples read and study the Bible together, much to the relief of a few of you reading this.

Finally, I need to reiterate what is essentially spelled out in The Love and Respect Experience subtitle: This is a book which has, by very strong design, been crafted as male-friendly.  The leather-bound cover (at a very reasonable price) adds to the ‘macho’ feel of the book, but the subtitle is also clear that this is not a men’s devotional book either.

I can’t recommend this book enough, especially at a time of year which is a ripe opportunity for couples to purposely launch some kind of Bible study and/or prayer time together.  And the seasonal gift-giving possibilities here can’t be overlooked either. 

A copy of the devotional was provided by Graf-Martin Communications, a Kitchener, Ontario firm which works with publishers and author agencies to provide additional promotion and publicity for books and book-related products.

http://paulwilkinson.wordpress.com/2011/12/02/the-love-and-respect-devotional-experience/

Racism Dressed In Choir Robes

My FB friend, James, linked an article yesterday, and I read about a Kentucky church voting to ban interracial marriage, along with a ban on interracial couples becoming members of the church.  The Baptist church in Pike County separated itself from the majority of Christian churches in the area by deciding that, for itself, interracial couples won’t be permitted to join and participate in the life of their local church.

When I read the article, I kept thinking that the issue was a small one, that the church was smaller than the average church in the USA, under 100 people.  I kept wanting to convince myself that what happens in small local churches doesn’t matter.  I read the words about this black man and his white wife-to-be, and I whispered that this was a hardly noticed incident, that it wasn’t worth thinking about for two minutes.  And then I corrected myself with my real opinions.

I’ve never thought that the decisions and choices in small congregations were insignificant.  In fact, I’m of the opposite opinion.  Small congregations mirror the people in those congregations, and those congregations make up communities.  Communities, not simply cities, combine to form a nation.  I remembered my stronger thoughts about history and about how for centuries this country’s history (and not just Kentucky’s history) was lived by people who had been told who to love and who not to love.  My lips trembled as I talked to myself about how new and somewhat jarring it still is for people to marry “outside their race.”  Four other things came to mind as I read about this church’s decision.

This is bad for Christianity.  Christianity, at its core, is an inclusive religion.  It is a faith of following a person who accepted unacceptable, disinherited people, who pushed just about all the social margins of his day, and, while pushing those margins, said that the kingdom of God had room for everyone.  At the bottom of Jesus’s way of life is a ground of openness that doesn’t tell people that they shouldn’t love particular people but that they should love all people.  You can’t get away from a superficial reading of the gospels and miss this.  Jesus was bad at the restrictive nature of narrow social and theological interpretations.  He was much better at saying, “Look at it this way.”  Or, “I have another way for you to think about this.”  I have trouble seeing how a pastor, a Bible teacher, or congregant who is committed Christianity, when Christianity is following Jesus, can say to another person, “You can’t marry that person because they aren’t…”  It is baldly out of step with the One who gave his life for the outcast and cast out.  Interracial couples, along with a slew of other folks, are the outcasts at least in this case, and they’re cast out on nothing stronger than flimsy, cracked racist opinions dressed in choir robes.

The church loves to tell people who to love.  This is not a new approach.  Part of what made the early church so attractive to people in the first centuries after Jesus jumped was that the church had strong opinions about sex and race and generosity.  My pastor, Peter Hong, talks about how the early church-goers were generous with their money and stingy with their sexuality.  They kept themselves sexually pure until they married, practiced celibacy when they didn’t marry, and they gave their money to the poor and to those who needed.  Those behaviors made the church strange and interesting.  So it’s not that the church has no history with the issue of marriage and love.  But we get into trouble when we draw lines for the people in our pews.  When we force or manipulate or teach that love is defined by something as socially soft as race, we’re practicing racism and doing so in the name and under the banner of God.  There aren’t many things worse for a church.  I’ve talked about that, in pieces, before here and here.

Dating and marriage are tools of reconciliation.  I told a couple I married this summer that their relationship was a grand opportunity for reconciliation.  They came from different backgrounds, in every way.  To start, the husband is African American, the wife Japanese American.  I told them that they didn’t appear to belong together in the eyes of some.  I told them that their relationship was an opportunity to bring together visibly opposing parties.  I tried to tie that into the Christian story because the story is chiefly a narrative about how two parties (estranged and yet full of love) return to one another.  In fact, as I think about it, that theme was in all of my wedding messages this year, with the possible exception of one, because all my marriage ceremonies were interracial.  If marriage is anything it is a community of forgiveness.  A marriage’s success or fruit or longevity is not ground up in the similarity of backgrounds and races of the couple but in the free, liberal, and frequent offering of the hardest thing in the world–forgiveness.

I hope people read and discuss this.  That last thought is the reason I’m writing this post.  I want to generate dialogue about this.  Not because I’m a church-basher.  I love the church, every church.  I’m ordained as a pastor in the Christian Tradition because I love the church.  I gladly wear the banner of Christian and pastor, even when I’m on a plane  or in the park.  I’m not suggesting we bash, but I do think we should criticize and hold to account the people in our Christian family.  Whether we agree with the church in Kentucky or disagree, we should say something, speak up, and float our opinions about these things because it’s in communicating our thoughts that we communicate our faith.  If we say something, if we discuss these things, it enables honest and quality dialogue about race and love, even when that dialogue is complex and nuanced and poetic.  I think we should talk about things like this.  So I’m blogging about it.  I’m running my mouth–or my fingers.

If you’re interested in the story, I saw it here.

http://crossingintersections.wordpress.com/2011/12/02/racism-dressed-in-choir-robes/

Components.2.A.Happy(:Marriage

Simple:
Pray Together and apart always.•.Keep God as the center and true head of the marriage.•.Seek Him for advice big and small, in good times and in bad times.•.Ask Him to continue to teach you how to love your spouse as the two of you grow.•.And no matter how tuff DONT give up or walk away from your marriage!•.Know that most of your problems are universal and possible to work through:)

fLhW.2011©

http://dreacadreaca.wordpress.com/2011/11/27/components-2-a-happymarriage/

Our Joy Has Been Made Full Because Of You!

Happy Thanksgiving from Our Heart to Yours!

We have spent the past three years getting to know each of you as best we can via the internet. We have shared our heart for marriage, our love for God and our desire to glorify God for all He has done in our relationship through each season. God has been faithful, and He will continue to be so.

This Thanksgiving we pause to thank God for YOU. Your encouragement throughout the year has been so helpful in knowing what kind of posts help you most and encourage you best. Thank you for joining our Vineyard. Thank you for sharing the view from your Vineyard with us.

We pray God’s richest blessings on your family as you pause today and thank God for His grace, His love and His mercy extended to you each and every day! Because He has loved us, we can love each other. We’re taking the rest of the weekend off to be with our family. Join us on Monday as we welcome the Christmas season to The Romantic Vineyard!

http://theromanticvineyard.wordpress.com/2011/11/24/happy-thanksgiving/

Why Is a Good Marriage Not Something You Find?

Continuing with our “Why” series, Gary Thomas offers the answer to this question, “Why is a good marriage not something you find, it’s something you cultivate?”

This is so true. If we are consistently working on making our marriages better, then they will drift apart. It is the natural progression of life on this earth. Things don’t get better when left alone, they deteriorate.

So what are you going to do now to make sure your marriage is better this time next year? Purpose to make plans and follow through with those plans. Your spouse will thank you for it, and so will your kids.

http://theromanticvineyard.wordpress.com/2011/11/22/why-is-a-good-marriage-not-something-you-find/

Day 54: Forgiveness

I’ve caused you much pain in the course of our marriage, whether intentionally or not. My tongue is one of my primary instruments in this regard. Sometimes I say something careless and it causes you pain. Sometimes I say something mean, whether premeditated or not, in order to cause you pain. And a few times in our marriage, I’ve said things so hurtful to you that, even now, I bow my head in shame as I consider them.

Last night, I sat you down and listed these and other sins I’ve committed against you and asked for your forgiveness. You forgave me. I then asked you whether you could think of anything else for which I needed to ask for your forgiveness. You couldn’t. But you brought up some wrongs you’ve committed against me and asked me to forgive you. I forgave you. When we finished, I laid my head on your lap as you sat on the couch, and I fell asleep. I don’t know whether our forgiveness talk had anything to do with this, but my sleep was deep and it was sweet.

http://365actsoflove.wordpress.com/2011/11/22/day-54-forgiveness/

Whose Idea WAS this Marriage?

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Genesis 2:18-25

The Bible answers the question, “Whose idea was marriage?” Marriage was invented by God. It also answers the question, “For whom was marriage invented?” Marriage was invented by and for God, to be used by Him as an illustration of Christ and His Church. God is the One Who decided that it was not good for man to be alone. God is the One Who decided what it was that would solve that problem: a woman. The woman would be both “mankind” (of man’s kind) and yet inalterably different. Both man and woman would be creatures with the same essential relationship to God, but with great variety in how they related to God. As one half of a married couple, you must remember to nurture your spouse’s own individual relationship with God.

The most obvious way to do this is by reminding your spouse to pray and read the Bible, but if your spouse is uncooperative or unwillingly, there are more subtle ways:

1. Living a Godly life yourself
2. Thinking of creative ways to inspire interest in God
3. Asking your spouse questions about God even if you are more likely to be the one that knows the answers
4. Suggesting attending church, and setting a good example by going yourself and taking the kids, even if your spouse won’t go
5. Getting involved in ministry activities so that your spouse can see that your relationship with God is real, and not just limited to church attendance once or twice a week

These types of things remind us of the sameness and the variety or our different roles in God’s plan. Your spouse needs to see that it is possible that you could both serve the same God – but that you might each delight in Him in a variety of different ways.

Here is another glorious thing about knowing that God is the One Who created marriage:

And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.

Genesis 2:22

Did God create woman and then tell Adam to go find her? No, He brought her to Adam. God gave away the first bride in the first marriage ceremony. And even better: He didn’t really “give her away;” He placed her into the stewardship of the husband. Marriage was a whole new relationship. Our sin nature and this world’s system want to make us think that because marriage is between two people, then one or the other must be central. Or that the relationship itself is central. The radical thing about knowing what we know about the way marriage pictures Christ’s relationship to the Church is that marriage can be focused on the togetherness of two creatures, but with Christ as the Center: the True Focus.

http://swimthedeepend.wordpress.com/2011/11/21/whose-idea-was-this-marriage/

Personal Accountability

^{The Message, Prov. 2717} You use steel to sharpen steel,
   and one friend sharpens another.

Currently there are different ideas about the concept of having personal accountability, or more particularly, the idea of having an accountability partner.  I am quite sure that, as with so many areas of Christian endeavor, there are pluses and minuses to systems of this nature.

However, I think those of us who live much our spiritual lives online need to be especially challenged in this area, simply because we may find ourselves deriving spiritual fulfillment from the Christian sector of the internet, at the expense of other types of ministry that would give us more personal contact, and would leave us less likely to be anonymous, or to pretend we are something other than we are.

Accountability is particularly stressed in men’s ministry.  Pastor B. J. Rutledge recently shared ten accountability questions with his men’s group, but if you’re woman reading this, I believe B. J. has rewritten this to have more general applicability.   This appeared on his blog under the title, Accountability is a Non-Negotiable.

This past Sunday [November 13th] we talked about overcoming those Fatal Flaws that have the potential to destroy your influence, marriage, family and life.  One of the four keys to overcoming Fatal Flaws is accountability; it is non-negotiable.

A number of you asked me about the Accountability Card used for years in my Men’s Small Group.  Here are the questions if you’d like to make your own card or a similar card.

1.  Did you spend quality & quantity time seeking God?  Share a Quiet Time highlight.

2. Did you talk with, communicate with, pray with and encourage your wife regularly?

3. Did you spend special time, encourage and pray with each of your kids regularly?

4. Did you expose yourself to any movies, videos, magazines, internet sites, etc, that were immoral, pornographic or encouraged lust?

5. Did you interact with a (man/woman), in any way that was not pleasing to God?

6. Did you memorize your verse for the week?  Share it with me.

7. Did you attempt to share the love of Christ with anyone this week?

8. Did you demonstrate integrity and Christ-likeness in your business or ministry affairs this week?

9. Did you just lie to me about any of these?

10.  What are some of your struggles right now?

http://christianity201.wordpress.com/2011/11/20/personal-accountability/

Staying Current

Imagine an afternoon together on a canoe. The weather is perfect. The water is crystal clear and there isn’t anything else on your agenda for the day except spending time together.

What could possibly go wrong? 

Several things come to mind:

• getting caught by an underwater limb
• tipping over
• losing a paddle
• losing the current

Any one of those events could turn a relaxing day on the water into one of those stories you laugh about – later, of course.

A canoe can be great fun if you have someone who knows how to steer the boat, can steer it in the right direction, and who knows how to avoid the sides where the bugs and alligators live!

Staying in the current in marriage requires a commitment to steering the conversations in the right direction. It requires someone who knows how to avoid letting the topic veer from the subject at hand. And most importantly someone willing to protect the marriage from unwanted intruders.

How current are you with your spouse? Do you work hard to keep them “in the know” about what temptations, struggles, dreams and emotions you’re facing? Do they know what is currently weighing on your heart or occupying your thoughts? If you are expecting them to read your mind, you will most likely find yourself stuck on the side of the river and without a paddle.

We must be self-disclosing when it comes to our marriage relationship. It isn’t fair for us to expect our spouse to do all the work. And it isn’t fair for them to expect us to do it all for them. Just as paddling a canoe requires team work, so does a good marriage.

Are you staying current or have you ended up stuck in the brush on the side of the river? You may need to ask for help in getting the canoe out in the current again, and once you’re free, stay on guard to keep current. Not only will you be going in the right direction, you’ll experience the beauty of the river together.

http://theromanticvineyard.wordpress.com/2011/11/18/staying-current/

Slices of Our Anniversary Celebration

On Saturday we celebrated our 3rd blogiversary by having 3 couples over for a very special dinner. We served our favorite too – Filet Mignon with Roquefort Sauce. It was a wonderful evening talking, asking questions, listening and most of all giving thanks to God for all He has done and is currently doing in our marriages. The three couples have 11 children combined and range in number of years married from 10 to 21. It was relaxing and so, so fun. Below is a slideshow of our time together.

Click to view slideshow.

When was the last time you had some friends over to celebrate your marriages? Why not make plans over the holidays to do just that. Consider inviting couples whose marriages: you admire, who are in a similar season, who are way ahead of you in years or who are coming up behind you. Think ahead of time of some good questions to ask to keep the conversation from going to the default topics of work, children and/or problems. It doesn’t have to be a fancy meal either. The whole point is to get together and share your marriage and be encouraged by the marriage of others.

http://theromanticvineyard.wordpress.com/2011/11/17/slices-of-our-anniversary-celebration/

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