WARNING: this is a big confession and soul bearing.

I have a confession to make… I am a closet perfectionist… I am also a very clear procrastinator… and this is a problem. I want my house to look like this:

but I keep putting off the important things… I use excuses, like I’m tired or I’ll do it tomorrow. But all in all I’m just a sinful procrastinator. As far as I can tell my heart is the problem, and this affects my priorities which causes the procrastination.

My home-keeping journal is full of lists and schedules that have yet to be properly implemented, I do a weekly menu plan which is more often than not forgotten by Tuesday. I plan to do laundry, only to lose the motivation when I see that we still have enough clothes,or the weather looks peaky. I begin to tidy up, but then get severely sidetracked by an idea, which needs to be checked out online, after which i find myself having spend 2 hours online and the house is still a mess. I get frustrated with things that lie around and that aren’t in their place but when I get around to picking them up I’m already half mad. And it goes on and on…

This post by Ann Voskamp and this one by Lindsay Edmonds made me think a lot about my homemaking problems. Even though they do not directly relate to my issue, they touched on very good points. I have learnt a lot from reading these ladies’ blogs, and one thing thats core to both their lives is the Lord, and spending time with Him. That is my core problem. Its the issue at the centre of my homemaking dilemma and my procrastination and my confused priorities.

I neglect to spend regular time with God.

There its out. Its something that I know is probably my biggest sin, and as I said the reason it feels like my life is totally disorganised,and I don’t get to doing things, or lack the motivation to do them. I don’t start my day with Him at my centre. I know in my heart and mind that if I did this, then my calling to be a stay at home wife and mom, would feel more satisfying, and my family would be more to me and I would work so much harder for them.

But I would also be able to do the things that truly matter… and forget about having the perfect house and the perfect food and the perfect kids. It would be enough to just be a godly home, with godly parents trying to raise godly kids, and do the best as God wills. As Ann says “I want seen things”, and that’s a heart problem and one based on a need for a deeper relationship with the Father. The unseen things like the prayers, the simple things, are worth more than the seen things. I need to spend time with the Creator to become content with the way things are and to be a godly wife and run my home like a Proverbs 31 women would.

“Contentment is being able to come to terms with where you are and what’s going on in your life, even if it’s not what you would have chosen for yourself. True contentment is not having everything you want, but learning to appreciate everything you have.”
Nancy Twigg

I am happy with the choice to stay at home, and be a mother and a wife. I just need to find my identity in Christ and not in how pretty and tidy my house is. Then I will be able to be a better mother and wife.

That’s my challenge to myself, and if you relate, please join me…

Dubrovnik Symphony Orchestra

It’s easy to think a good marriage is played out with beautiful background music by a well dressed symphony orchestra.  The stage is lined with dimly lit candles adding the perfect ambiance.  The main characters always know what to say and how to say it.  Life has been scripted and everyone knows they must follow their part in order to secure a happy ending.  We love happy endings, don’t we?

But this is not reality.

Marriage doesn’t play out on a stage…or does it?  We DO have an audience: our children, neighbors, friends and most importantly – God!  He is the audience who matters most!

Photo from Courtesyland.com

A good marriage is one where commitment is the main character no matter how the scenes change.  One day it may be a romantic comedy, and the next day a full-fledged drama.  There are accidents, unplanned conflicts and illnesses.  It’s as if the director throws in unexpected twists in the story.  The director in our marriage is God.  He’s the One who took two completely opposite individuals and decided to do a miraculous thing – join them together as one flesh.  He is the One who plans our days and months and years.  He knows what we need more than we do.  He is rightfully the director, and He should be listened to daily.  In times like these commitment is required to stay engaged.

Photo from revoltfpcc.org

Our struggles are as much a part of the story as our most romantic times together.  How we respond to each other and all of life matters.  What glorifies Him is living our life in the way He desires and considering others (insert spouse here) as more important than ourselves.

So, how ready are you on the marriage stage?  Have you studied your part well?  Do you know what is required of the husband’s role and the wife’s role?  It’s a part made just for you.  Those who study well will receive accolades from the only One who matters.

I wonder how you would react if you pulled up outside your home only to find your dear wife sat in the middle of your yard, head and shoulders lowered sobbing out loud?  She is covered from head to toe in dirt and mud and is obviously hurting and forlorn.

Would you quickly stop the car and run to her aid?  Would you want to know what happened, how she got hurt or hurt herself?  Would you want to know what happened to her?  What if she couldn’t tell you what happened?  What if she was too distressed or too embarrassed to tell you?  What if  all she can do, amidst the tears and sobbing, is to promise you that it wasn’t her fault and that she isn’t too seriously hurt and to ask you for your help?

Would you carefully help her to her feet and carry her inside?  Once inside, would you carefully lovingly take her to the bathroom, lovingly undress her and helping her into the shower or the bath gently, lovingly, carefully, washing her clean?

And when you noticed the cuts and the scratches and abrasions on her body would you gently, lovingly, carefully, clean and dress them?

Would you then take her to the bedroom and sit holding her, helping her to calm down, encouraging her, comforting her, reassuring her?  Telling her it is alright and that she is safe now and that everything will be ok?

I sincerely hope that the answer to all of the questions about how you would respond to your wife’s needs would be a yes or that you would do something equally loving anc caring to help her.  Would you?

How about we change the picture just a little?

How about this time instead of your finding her sitting in the middle of the yard forlorn and sobbing, she is in the kitchen still all covered in dirt and mud, still with minor cuts and scratches and abrasions on her body, but this time she is ranting and raving and throwing a tantrum and really, really mad at herself because she tried to do something herself (something that you had said you would do perhaps) and it all went really wrong?  You ask her what happened and she tells you and she also tells you that she knew she shouldn’t have done it but tried it any way and is now covered from head to toe in dirt and mud and scratched and cut is now really beating herself up over it all?

What would you, how would you respond  do this time?

Would you still try to calm her down?  Would you still take her and wash her clean and tend to her minor cuts and abrasions?  Would you still comfort her and reassure her and tell her that everything is going to be alright?  Would you tell her to stop beating herself up over it all and perhaps turn her across your knee and spank her and then tell her, “Ok I have dealt with it.  You messed up and have been disciplined for it and it is all dealt with.  Now it is time to move on and to start repairing things”?

Interesting questions aren’t they?  But what happens when the mud and dirt, when the cuts and scratches, the abrasions and wounds are all on the inside?  What happens  when the situations causing this dirt and mud these stains, the situations that caused the wounds all happened long before you even came on the scene?  What happens when they are causing behavior and attitudes that are mild or drawn out and not so urgent or noticeable?

What if what you are really facing here are years and years of hurting and corrupted perceptions and self-hatred or at best a lack of self worth.

See here’s the deal.  The plain simple fact is that we were all born into a raised in a perverted, sinful and corrupt world and the truth is that without Christ and God and the Holy Spirit in our lives we all live badly and wrongly and we have all experienced things in our lives that God never desired for us to face or experience.

Sometimes, some of these things can deeply impact us and can cut wounds that remain with us for a long time and which do alter and affect the way we see ourselves, others and indeed the world (and sadly even how we see God).

But when we accept Christ in our lives, when we give our lives to Christ and fully accept His love and guidance and healing we avail ourselves of the “newness” that this offers and I truly and fully believe that He desires to lift us into His unshakable hands, to wash us clean and to tend to and heal our wounds and to wrap us in His love and protection.

And here is the rub for all of us HoH’s.  I am convinced that it is a fundamental primary role within our servant-leadership as a Christian husband and Head of House to bring about and be a major part of that cleansing and healing for our dear wife’s JUST as they are part of God’s cleansing and healing for us.

Let us be of no mistake or misconception here.  True the situation may not appear as urgent as finding our wife sat sobbing and forlorn in the middle of our yard, or upset and distressed in the middle of the kitchen and true the mud and dirt that stains them may not be totally visible or the cuts or abrasions or scratches – the wounds of this world, as readily noticeable BUT trust me that doesn’t make them any the less real or important or indeed urgent in their need for attention and healing.

So I challenge you and commend you as a Christian husband and HoH, to reconsider your role and the immensely important gift and responsibility that our Lord has given you in your position as HoH and I ask you to consider your dear wife and to consider what dirt and mud from the past may still be trying to cling to her, and to consider what wounds may still be affecting her and stopping her from seeing just how precious and pure and beautiful she is in God’s eyes and from realizing the cleansing and healing that He desires for her.

Will it require patience and understanding, love and compassion from you to her?  I have no doubt it will!  And will there be a personal cost to you in all this?  Of course there will be.  But both God and your dear wife are worth it!

And I challenge and commend you dear wives out there.  How about trusting and allowing your Husband/HoH to be a part of the healing and cleansing God wants you to have?

Will it require your stripping yourself totally naked (physically or emotionally) and standing before your Husband/HoH and allowing him to see everything even those parts you have hidden for so long and are most protective or embarrassed about?  Yes it no doubt will.  And yes it will require your fully opening up and allowing him to be a part of that healing.  But let’s face it, Christian marriage is a relationship where BOTH of you are one in the Father and where the Father has placed or blessed each of you into each other’s lives because He desires for you to minister to each other.

I am convinced that part of the husband’s role is to be a part of God’s cleansing and healing for the wife and part of the wife’s role is to be a part of God’s cleansing and healing for the husband.  So there are my challenges for today.

Will you allow each other to be a part of the cleansing and healing that God desires for you and are you willing to stand and be a part of the healing God desires for your partner?

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post entitled The Best Secret I Know that specifically addressed the positive effects that practicing Natural Family Planning (NFP) can have on marriages. Although the practice of NFP (read “no contraception”) is typically thought of as a Catholic thing, these effects have been recognized by Catholics and Protestants alike.

The fact that only 2-4% of NFP-practicing couples get divorced is a statistic that should catch your eye and make you consider whether it’s a practice worth embracing in your marriage. But, when we talk about NFP, we’re talking about something much more important than just a tool for marriage enhancement. We’re talking about seeing marriage and sexuality with the eyes of God and getting the most fulfillment out of your sexual relationship in marriage. That, in short, is what this post is all about.

Everyone thinks they know why the Catholic Church is against the use of contraception. Some of my favorite things that people say about the issue are:

“The Church is just trying to control people because it thinks sex is bad, wrong and evil!”
“The Church is just trying to make sure there are more Catholics to fill it’s coffers!”
“Those old celibate men need to keep their teaching out of my bedroom and stick to something they know about!”

If you’ve ever heard, said or thought some of these things (or even if you haven’t) I invite you check out this post and find out what’s really behind Catholic teaching on NFP and contraception. Be warned, however, that this might just make more sense than you’d like.

In the beginning, God made man and woman, one but separate. Their purpose was written in their very anatomy, and God reiterated that purpose with the commandment “Be fruitful and multiply.”

You’ve heard all of this before but it’d be cheating to sit back and act like procreation was the only reason that God created sex. He made it something more. He upped the ante a bit by making it pleasurable.

Have you ever stopped to think about why God did that? He didn’t have to, you know. He could have just programmed us with biological urges that would compel us to continue the species, but he didn’t. He gave us pleasure, so that sex could serve some other purpose beyond mere procreation out of biological necessity.

When the Church talks about this reality, it refers to the two purposes of “conjugal love,” the unitive and the procreative.

The man and the woman were created to share in this love, but under the right conditions. Think of sexual love like nuclear energy. If harnessed to one end, nuclear reactions can produce power that provides warmth for millions of people. If used towards another end, it can produce destruction that wipes millions from the face of the earth in an instant. In the same way, sex can deepen the relationship between a man and a woman. Used in another way, it can tear people apart.

Thus, God created marriage as the perfect environment for sex to be employed. He built it around the caveat that a man and a woman would enter into the union of matrimony and promise their whole selves to one another. We are taught that the sexual act should mirror the wedding vows between a husband and a wife. It is a reiteration of the promises that a man and woman made to one another on their wedding day.

If I had stood in front of Michelle on our wedding day and said, “I give all of myself to you except…(fill in the blank)” it would not have gone over well. We like to think that a wedding is about total surrender of two individuals to one another for the good of their life together. So, if sex should be a reiteration of this total giving of self that we began on our wedding day, how could we say to each other, “I give my whole self to you except… my fertility?”

This is what people do all the time though, isn’t it? They understand that sex has the power to unite couples but, for one reason or another, they aren’t willing to embrace it’s procreative power. They divorce the purposes of sex, saying, I want this (the unitive purpose), not that (the procreative purpose)…as if God created sex as some sort of cafeteria style blessing for couples.

None of us would ever go for any plan that would take the pleasurable, unitive purpose out of sex. We like that part! It’s the “good” part, right? But we’re perfectly willing to take out the other part of sex, aren’t we?

When we do this, it’s like we’re pretending that there are two parts of ourselves, the body and the spirit (or soul) that can be separated or divorced from one another. Unfortunately, as hard as we try, we just can’t separate our body from our spirit. They are intricately and inseparably wrapped up in one another. NFP recognizes this fact and never asks the couple to pretend that the body and soul, the unitive and procreative purposes of sex, can be divorced from one another. It allows the man and the woman to give all of themselves to one another every time.

But!… Answering a Few Objections

I am going to take just one more moment to acknowledge and answer a few more objections that people have to the teaching of the church on this topic.

This doesn’t mean unlimited kids - The Church teaches that a couple is to practice responsible parenthood, taking into account social, economic and psychological issues when determining the size of their family. It says that it is up to the couple to seek God’s guidance when answering the question, “How many kinds should we have?” In fact, it says that not even a priest should offer guidance to a couple to this effect, because it’s between that couple and God.

NFP is just like contraception - If you mean that, when used correctly, NFP is just as effective in preventing pregnancy as artificial contraception, you’re right. If you mean that, morally and theologically, using NFP to avoid pregnancy is the same as using artificial contraception, I respectfully disagree. NFP doesn’t try to control or manipulate the body. It seeks to understand the body, and the natural periods of fertility and infertility that are built into a woman’s cycle. If a couple determines that they are not ready to get pregnant, then they commit to a time of mutual celibacy.

The apostle Paul advocated for these times of celibacy for the purpose of spiritual growth, saying to the Corinthian church, “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.”

NFP Takes Away our Power- I’ve heard Michelle tell people on numerous occasions, “I don’t need to take a pill to make me feel like I’m in control.” The pill (and other forms of chemical contraception) doesn’t give you power over your body. The pill has the power and control.

Ask couples who get off the pill and are trying to achieve pregnancy if they’re in control. I believe you’ll find story after story of couples being subjected to the long-term effects of the drug and experiencing frustration in conceiving.

NFP gives you the power and tools to understand your body’s (or your wife’s body) natural functions. That is real power.

Where Can I Find Out More?
Most of this teaching comes from a variety of sources, including the documents of the Second Vatican Council, John Paul II’s Theology of the Body and other documents. However, it is synthesized in a document put out by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops entitled, Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan.

If you’re interested in learning more about the practice of NFP, post in the comments or email me at cwilliston@gmail.com and I will gladly forward you towards good resources.

We have had the privilege of getting to know this couple through the blog Sarah writes titled, Best Days of My Life.  She is an excellent writer, but what makes her writing worth reading is her heart to serve God and help others who may be facing similar challenges in their marriage.

She is honest.

She is humble.

She is real.

And we believe their testimony is worth sharing with you today.  They were recently interviewed on CBN, and the video of their interview is now available for us to see.  Are you facing trouble in your marriage?  Is it because of hidden sin or a mutual love of worldliness?  Both are detrimental to any marriage, but you are not alone.  And you are certainly not without hope.  God’s mercy is able to reach the lowest among us and lift us out of the filthy pit we may have dug for ourselves.

Listen to Chad and Sarah and learn from them.  You will be changed.  Not because of who they are, but because of the God who made forgiveness possible through the life, death and resurrection of His only Son, Jesus Christ.

Thus are the words of Groucho Marx.  I’d like to take a step back from the usual fare of sacred architecture to draw your attention to something more worthy of your attention.  Two very good friends of mine from CUA, Will and Lydia Cubbedge, moved their married life and adorable 2-year-old away from the murky swamp of Washington DC to the Jewel of the South, Savannah GA.  Lydia maintains a blog, purpuraria, and it’s basically little reflections from a Catholic wife and mother; ipso facto, it’s far more worthy of attention than this whole, “sacred architecture, liturgy, grrrr,” thing.  Read it, and be amazed.

In this world of technology we share so much. Too much, we sometimes ponder. And at others, we worry we are too glossy, not honest enough and we need to share more. We search for pages and authors that seem to “get” us. Sometimes we find them in a mother who understands only too well the piles of yet-to-be-folded clothes.  At others we converse with friends from our past in quick snippets of humor and nostalgia on facebook. We join groups, both IRL and online and in each place we wear a different mask.

My friend, I wear these masks too. In some circles I appear the woman who has it all–successful husband, three beautiful children, a house a short walk from the beach. In other places my mask changes to a woman who is deeply concerned with my faith. To some friends, though, I admit I probably seem irreverent and they’d be surprised to find out how much my faith means to me.  Only a  few friends know my sorrows.

One of the most difficult things for me to share honestly and openly about is my marriage. There are important reasons for this. A marriage is sacred. You hold another human being’s heart so fragile in your hands. To discuss problems with others can seem disrespectful and hurtful–far too easy to expose vulnerabilities that aren’t yours to share. I don’t want my friends and family to judge my husband too harshly, or speak unkindly of him (or me or our marriage) when I am not present to further explain and defend.

Truly, a marriage is between a husband, a wife and God. It gets complicated and messy when you invite others in to the kitchen to start stirring this particular stew. Still, there are so many of us that seem to suffer in silence because of our deep respect for our spouse. Or our own personal shame that our marriage is one with “problems”. We scour the internet for articles that go deeper than “division of labor” or “21 ways to keep your husband happy in bed”. We want answers to difficult questions like “How do I help my spouse through depression?”, “Is this *normal* behavior?”, “Can my marriage be saved if I’m the only one trying to save it?”, “Does it matter that my husband doesn’t believe in God?”, “Am I unchristian if I divorce a man who lashes out, but never to the point of anything physical?”. We want to know we are not alone in our struggles in our marriages. We want to know that others have been there and found their way through, one way or another. We want our resentments and fears acknowledged, but we don’t want to stop there. We want a friend to walk with us and remind us we can heal our marriages, our hearts, and not without sacrificing our emotional and psychological well-being along the way.

I will say right here that I believe being a Christian requires much self-sacrifice. But, I do not believe we are meant to suffer at the hands of cruelty or abuse. I believe we are always called to forgive. But, I do not believe we or our spouses are ever meant to continue in behaviors that  can only injure the dearest people in their lives.

I am one wife on the journey of a complicated marriage. We have a marriage that has  been rife with physical illness, mental illness, and unbelievable life stresses. We also have a marriage that has been blessed with much love, forgiveness and faith.

I will remain anonymous on this blog because I believe I am called to share my truth, my friend, with you. I feel called to share my one messy marriage with you in complete honesty so that you may have hope. And, I know for me, it is hard to gain hope from stories of marriages that seem they have never touched the depths of hell that I feel mine has at times.  I am not a professional. And this is not advice. If you need either, I pray that you will seek it from those who can help you. This is simply my story (as it continues to unfold) and one that I hope can meet you where you are in your tears and offer you (and me) the hope to continue wherever God may lead us.

I am Catholic. And this will be reflected, I am sure, in many of my posts. But, like all Catholics, I only know so much. If I ever speak in error on our faith I hope you will gently correct me so that I may learn and grow. But, please know that I know I am not an expert. I am one woman trying hard every day to be a good wife and mother and fulfill my vocation to lead my family towards heaven every day. Sometimes, I stumble and fall. Sometimes I have full system failure and crash completely. Pray for me, my friend, and I will pray for you. And together we can offer each other much hope.

In Christ,

Zelie*

*All names on this blog have been changed to protect the privacy of my family and other families that may not be ready to shed all masks in all situations.

We have one winery nearby in a small town called Clermont just west of Orlando.  Lakeridge Winery had their annual Grape Stomp Harvest this past weekend.  We’ve always wanted to go, but haven’t been able to yet.  However, a good friend, who also happens to be a great photographer, was there on Saturday, and her pictures speak one truth loud and clear; harvest time is messy!  Here are a few of our favorite pics:

Photo by Steph Lightfoot

It’s true that harvest time can be fun and profitable, but we often miss the fact that it can be messy.  We become discouraged when we’re in the middle of crushing “issues” or “sin patterns” in our marriages, yet harvest is just around the corner.  Don’t give up – keep crushing and before long there will be a shelf full of rich wine from which to draw lasting nourishment.

God has promised to help us in our weakness.  He will give us strength to endure hardship and embrace the discipline necessary to reap the rewards.  The question is are we sleeping in the vineyard, or standing in the barrels ready to roll up our sleeves and work!

In my last entry I wrote about how I have to carry my girls through many parts of our marriage while they are healing. Maybe this should go without saying, but there’s a definite need for me to quietly and often invisibly offer my wife and the girls grace during this time.

Since the inside girls have entered our family life, many, many things have had to be changed. It’s really not any different than when children enter the family except that those children happen to be living in the body of my adult wife and they need extra grace while they heal from major emotional trauma.

I understand that I would expect a normal child to do chores around the house and clean up after him/herself. But right now I have put a premium on filling the inside girls’ wounded spirit(s) with love and joy. So I overlook many things that I wouldn’t if these girls were outside daughters. So a lot of my day I spend acting like a butler and cleaning up after them or running petty errands for them.

But this has created a corresponding dynamic with my son. As I’ve said before he is wonderful with Alleylieu and Amy, but he gets a little frustrated with the fact that they don’t help more around the house. So I’ve also had to extend grace to him concerning chores and responsibilities. I have a hard time demanding him to help me more around the house when his mother does so little. Right now our household operates on the principle of taking care of the necessities and many other things we just don’t worry about.

Another thing I have had to do is learn to extend grace to Karen. And sometimes this is the hardest because I want and need her to “act” like an adult, but as she told me one day, with Amy, Alleylieu, Sophia and the others so close to the surface nowadays, they are playing havoc with her personality and emotions. Right now she literally cannot act like an adult most of the time. I wish it were otherwise, but to demand it of her would be to demand the impossible.

Currently everything is all stirred up inside and the girls and Karen are swirling, bumping, churning, grinding, and mixing together like a tornado. The floodgates have been opened wide, and everything that used to be “neatly” kept separate is being shoved back together. There’s a lot going on, and though I so deeply miss the adult companionship of my wife, I have to view this as a time of convalescence just as if she had been in a major car accident or had a major fight with cancer and was incapacitated for months or maybe a year or two.

One definition of grace says it is generosity of spirit, a capacity to tolerate, accommodate, or forgive people. I think that’s a good definition. Everyone has his or her pet peeves about how a household should be run. But if you’re going to create a safe and loving environment conducive for healing to someone with DID, you definitely will need to graciously overlook many things that you would normally find annoying and intolerable. You will need to become a person full of grace.

Blessings.

Sam, I Am.

Warning: This post is rated PG-13.  It’s a little in your face today.  It’s a little crude.  So if you can’t take it, don’t read it.  But I challenge you, don’t dimiss what I am saying.  Read it.  It really might be of some help to you.  I’d also like to make this known.  It may seem that I am talking solely about my own marriage here.  I’m not.  The heart of what I am talking about is certainly right where I am in my marriage, but it seems to be a common theme for many of my friends and fellow bloggers.  Its a topic I have become fairly passionate about.  Are you ready?  Here we go…

A while back, I had written a post with my favorite title of all time.  I was so proud when I came up with it.  It was Sex Means More Than Sex Which Leads to More Sex.  In it, I busted the myth that Sex doesn’t mean as much to men as it does women, it just means something different.  And that for men, sex is really about the woman.  Then I gave some great tips that was mostly directed at the woman, but the couple would be wise to follow them together.

Well, I have recently come off of another great leadership retreat (different than Summit).  While I was there, I came to an understanding that I don’t think I realized before, and certainly I didn’t have great words for it before this retreat.  While what I learned was mostly spiritual, had to do with where I am in my faith, it crossed over so well to marriage (my own and others that I know of) that  I am compelled to write about it, but it is so close to SMMTSWLTMS, that this will really feel like its part two of that post.

One change though, today I am going to talk a lot about intimacy.  When I say Intimacy, you should read it to mean sex.  You should read it to mean close communion with another.  You should read it to mean unhidden, unbridled truth between two people.  And, I am going to generalize the statement that men like to have sex, a lot.  That said, I certainly recognize the plight of many women who have talked to me about the fact that they are ones with the higher drive and their husbands aren’t really interested.  (That’s another post all together that I’ll write about sometime.)

So here it is: Why men like to have sex.  Are you listening…er…reading?  Good…

The reason we want to have sex as much as possible with our wives is for one reason and one reason only :: Ladies, are you listening :: because we are all out, abso-freakin’-lutely, head over heals, in love with our wives.  (Even now I hear the men resounding with “Amens” while the women scoff).  But I’m telling you its true.

But here’s the deal ladies, we don’t want to just have sex– we want to have sex with you.  Why?  Because we love you.  And because we love you, we want to be intimate with you.  But we aren’t satisfied with an every-once-in-a-while kind of intimacy.

Let me go ahead and put this one to rest- we aren’t trying to have sex with you because we’ve got some biological condition that pumps us full of hormones and we go around with hard on’s all day.  Truly, if that were the case, if that’s all it was reduced to…we could find ways to take care of it.  In fact, I’d say that men everywhere for centuries have been finding ways to take care of it.  And the underlying reason most of the time is because the wife at home wasn’t being intimate and there came along someone else who was willing to be intimate.  Don’t believe me, check this out.  Anyway, back to the discussion at hand…

As I said, we want to be intimate with you simply because we love you with all of our being.  And we aren’t satisfied with an every-once-in-a-while kind of intimacy.  We desire an everyday, on fire, even-when-we’re-away-from-each-other kind of intimacy.  And sex is a part of it.  So is the communion of a couple.  The sharing of hearts.  The making time for each other.  Being intentional.  Everyday.

Hear me, simply loving is not enough.  The love is what unlocks the intimacy, but it is not intimacy itself.  But if you stop at merely loving your husband, loving your wife, and never experience intimacy, you are missing out on the meat of what it means to be married.

I recently read from another blog (wish I could remember which one) that said, “if you spend all your time stiff arming your husband, trying to keep him away from being intimate with you, then you are undermining your own marriage.”  By the way, I do remember that that was written by a woman.    It’s true.  It speaks incredible volumes to a man when his wife refuses him intimacy.  The opposite is also true.  It speaks incredible volumes to his heart when you do allow the intimacy to happen.

Intimacy- it’s a need in your man’s heart that ONLY YOU CAN MEET.  That’s why other women, affairs, pornography, and five fingered charlie are all such poor substitutes.

It’s like I said in SMMTSWLTMS, sex for a man is about you.  So here I say, intimacy is about being with you.  We don’t just want it, we want it with you.  It’s a next level kind of bond with the one that we chose, with the one that we would choose again, with the one that we said, “I do” to.

So how are you doing with it?  Have you had the discussion?  I’ve challenged you before and I’ll challenge you again- have the discussion- ask the hard question- how’s it going in our sex life?

I’ll be real blunt about it- when it comes to couples with two different sex drives, go with the one who’s sex drive is higher.  These roles typically reverse through out the course of the marriage.  A blogger friend of mine put it this way, how often have you been intimate with your spouse and regretted it?  It means so much, why in the world wouldn’t you do it? It’s even in the Bible (check I Corinthians 7 if you don’t believe me).

Again, how’s it going for you?  is it just sex?  Or is it intimacy?   Leave a comment.  We’d love to hear from you.