Yesterday, Tom shared his practice of offering a soft answer whenever I’m angry or having an emotional meltdown.  I wanted to share with you my side – being the recipient of Tom applying this scripture to our relationship.

First of all, it would be good for you to know in the beginning of our marriage, this wasn’t the norm.  In fact, Tom would not usually offer a “soft” answer;  It was more like a “silent” answer!  We were both quite adept at shutting down completely when it came to conflict. Rather than deal with the issues, we would sulk, ignore them (and each other) and hope the next day would be better.  One time the conflict went on for nearly a year!  It was not a fun season, and it certainly didn’t glorify God.

God in His great mercy and kindness has helped us grow in our knowledge of and obedience to the Word of God, and it has spilled over into how we treat each other. 

Tom is not only my husband, but he is my closest friend.

He sees me at my worst and rather than react to my sin, he gently helps me apply God’s Word.  This isn’t always welcomed;  in those moments I would much rather give full vent to my feelings.   Yet, I have learned to trust him and follow his lead.  His soft answer has kept me from going down the path of least resistance – the place where all kinds of division and conflict flow.  This isn’t the path that will lead us to where we want our marriage to be 10 years from now.

By God’s grace we aren’t where we were 30 years ago.  We have grown, and it is only because God has been at work in us – completing what He’s started!  May our story give you hope that even though you may not see quick progress, God is doing what He does best – changing us for His glory one conflict at a time.

“But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.”    Hebrews 3:13 ESV

Photo by Abby Jenkins

How often we need encouragement to see that we’re making progress in our marriage.  Today we want to help you see how far you’ve come.

At the end of each year our Pastor will ask the same question:

“Think of where you were this time last year, and look at where God has brought you this year?”

It is always a good reminder that although we may not see progress day by day, we are changing.  Growth is often not evident when you’re looking too closely.  If you look further back – certainly you will see that some of the struggles you were facing 1 – 5 years ago are not an issue today.  God is perfecting you for His glory!

Take some time to think about a specific area of change you have noticed in your spouse.  Then, purpose to encourage them with what you’ve observed.  We all need to be built up in our faith – what a joy to do this for the one we are closest to in this life.  Not only will they be encouraged, but your kind words will help them guard their hearts from being deceived by sin – that’s a promise from God’s Word, and one we can cling to with faith!

Because I obviously love you too much.

This is a good question we should ask ourselves often:  Where do we want to be 10, 15 or 20 years from now in our marriages?  Once you have a clear vision in view, the next question is: What choices am I making today that will help me get there 0r prevent me from getting there?

Far too often we react in the heat of the moment instead of choosing carefully our responses to our wives.   Most women are more emotional than men, although I am not ashamed to admit I tear up quite easily.  But I have learned through the years when Debi is having an emotional challenge not to react to her, but instead calmly lead.

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

It’s not easy staying calm in the midst of a heated moment, but God has helped me speak softly.  I can testify the word of God is true!  Many an argument has been diffused when I’ve chosen to speak softly.  Loving our wives involves being willing to defer rather than conquer.  I don’t have to go after every challenge and prove myself.  My task is to represent Christ by the way I treat my wife.  Certainly this doesn’t mean peace at all costs – there are times to confront and correct, but that’s another post.

For now, this is the road I’m choosing to follow – how about you?

The magazine. Not your neighbours or relatives.

I have not seen a copy of “People” in maybe years. It is just as tacky as ever. I can’t imagine a better example of what has gone wrong with culture. It`s about…people you have no reason to know (famous and rich),… people who are desperate (an issue on people losing weight because as one subject said, `No one ever told me I was cute.`)…people who are trivialized after fighting hard for freedom, their lives, or justice (because you can`t cram a long struggle into three pages, with photos.)

I don`t know why is this one of the most popular magazines ever. It is not educational, instructional or enlightening. It`s junk food for the brain.

I wonder if this is just what people want. It`s much easier to live your life on the surface, concerned about appearance, clothes, fashion, fame, attention and sex. It`s about soap opera story lines – the ones on television, the ones acted out in celebrity lives. People is about making up a life, not living one.

Real life can be pretty boring. It`s laundry. (I`ve got a load of clothes to fold, and I must reassemble the vacuum before the day is out. Yes, I took it apart. I had good reason.) Real life is dirty diapers and dishes to wash, and the end of winter, with the yard looking like a buffalo wallow. Real life is rather boring doctor`s appointments. (`Can you see this – can you see it now…`)

But there is something in real life that you won`t find in People. True love. Spiritual strength. Lasting friendship. Laughter over pork chops for dinner. The gift of being ordinary and out of the spotlight. God made us ordinary people, while making us extraordinary, when we turn back to Him and look for real life there. We don`t need a fabricated life, or to live out our days in other People`s lives. God finds us interesting enough to be with us always.

Most of you know that what I do for a living is software engineering. I have dual degrees in computer science, and my Masters was focused on software design. So I always approach these relationship problems from an engineering perspective.

I think that at the beginning of any software development project, the most important thing to do is to talk to the customer and to decide what the software is supposed to do. The customer for the relationship is God. He is the one who will be deciding if the relationship is any good or not. My impression of God is that he has lots of requirements for marriage. First, each person in the marriage should have a relationship with Jesus. Second, each person in the relationship should treat one another in a special way. Third, the marriage itself should accomplish certain things in the world.

The requirement that each person have a relationship with Jesus prior to and during the marriage is important, because it is out of this relationship that the people first relate to each other, then to the children, then to their extended families, and then to the world.

I think that it’s the man’s job to take these goals from the customer (God) and to derive a set of requirements for the woman, so that he can communicate his understanding of these goals to her and the relationship can move along more efficiently and effectively. (Obviously these things apply in the reverse as well, but I am writing from the man’s point of view for this entire post, to emphasize the man’s role in leading the relationship)

Here are a few of my requirements just for illustration. Other men will have different requirements, depending on their plan.

• understands how capitalism relates to marriage/parenting, e.g. – school choice
• understands how men function as husbands and fathers
• understands how marriages work and why they succeed or fail
• can defend belief in Christian theism with arguments and evidence
• can defend socially conservative positions on abortion and marriage, etc.
• can answer objections to Christian theism like evil and religious pluralism
• can stand her ground in the face of incoming criticism and disagreement
• can shepherd the children through schools and on to graduate degrees

I think that in general, relationships are about the man measuring a woman for marriage/parenting requirements based on current performance and future potential. I think the worst thing for women is to not know where the relationship is going. It would help her if the man can communicate his requirements to her. If she is interested in the man, then she can show him what she can do now, and what she is interested in learning about so that she can build up her capabilities for later. The requirements are tailored to the man’s specific plan for the marriage.

For example, take the requirement to understand how fiscal conservatism enables liberty. Suppose you meet a woman who is a Christian, but has socialist views. You are concerned that she will vote to tax away the family’s money for wasteful government programs. Instead of just glossing over these problems and leading her on because she is pretty, you need to tell her right away where you think she is wrong. I like to give women something to read so that they can learn on their own, then come back and discuss it. That’s how you make progress.

And I think this helps to develop a way to resolve conflicts, too. If I disagree with her, then I give her something to read, and then I try to be extra nice and help her with other things to give her time to read. If she is feeling hurt from a previous bad experience, then I will have to address that, too. The goal is to build her up to be a solid wife and mother. If she is not willing to read anything to grow, then that is important for me to know right away. I think that a man needs to prefer a woman who is open-minded and interested in learning on her own and forming true beliefs about the world.

Now what does this buy the woman? Well, if you gloss over requirements, and only talk about surface things, (e.g. – her appearance), during the courtship, then she knows that there will come a time when you won’t like her any more, because beauty fades! What you are really saying to her when you talk about her appearance is that this is what is most important to you. But how can any woman be as pretty as she was in her youth as time passes? She can never feel safe if the standard is beauty. She knows that this relationship is unstable and has no future.

Instead, I try to give women control of the relationship by giving them a choice. I give her a few small things to do that are related to marriage and parenting. This would include apologetics, theology, economics, etc. What does that say to her? It says to her that she is in control of the relationship, and that I need her. All she has to do to keep me from leaving is to keep trying to learn about marriage and parenting, and to keep trying to work at marriage and parenting as well as she can. And stating those things up front attracts the right kind of woman anyway – the kind that wants to help.

What you are really doing in the courtship is communicating to her what really matters to you about her. If you hand her books to read about why divorce harms children, then she understands that you want children, but you don’t want a divorce. And she understands that you are going to exclude other women who don’t want children, and who do not understand what divorce does to children. That’s the kind of thing that indicates to her that you have a long-term relationship plan, so that she knows that you will still like her more than other women, even after her beauty fades.

I also found that it helps women to have a sense of security when she knows what the man considers to be a deal-breaker. I like to clearly set out for her what I do not want in a relationship. What I’m trying to do is avoid the situation where she cannot feel secure because she doesn’t know what makes her different and special. I like to tell her what it is that makes her different and special, with specific details. And I also want to build her confidence by building up her capabilities for marriage and parenting. So she knows that she is valuable and irreplaceable.

Related posts

• How feminism made women unsuitable for marriage and parenting
• Why men should refuse a woman’s offer of casual sex
• What has Michele Bachmann got that third-wave feminists haven’t got?
• How Christian women can make Christian men marry without using sex appeal
• John Piper’s questions to ask before you get married
• Does a man’s decision to marry negatively impact his service to God?
• The rules for friendship and courtship between Christians
• What Christian men want from Christian women… in paintings!
• Why Christian men should be chaste
• Should Christians marry non-Christians?

Wisdom from 170 years ago still speaks as clearly today. If you have found a husband/wife with whom to share life’s journey, you have within reach the ability to be the happiest of all earthly creatures. Marriage is a gift! Celebrate the good God has given you in your spouse! Enjoy this quote:

The purest happiness of an earthly nature, is that which springs up in a comfortable home, where there is a loving union of hearts between man and wife.

The tender sympathies,
the delicate affections,
the minute attentions,
the watchful solicitudes,
the ceaseless kindnesses of marital love,
–are the sweetest ingredients in the cup of life, and contribute a thousand times more to earthly enjoyment, than all the possessions of wealth, and all the blandishments of rank, station, and fashion.”

by John Angell James, 1841

Think of it – when we treat our spouse with such care we are cultivating an environment where happiness thrives.  This weekend, let’s look for ways to offer:

• tender sympathies - listening with ears and eyes to what concerns them
• delicate affections – offering unexpected hugs, kisses and caresses
• minute attentions – bring them their favorite drink, slippers or reading material
• watchful solicitudes – sharing your care and concern for their growth in godliness – areas they may not see
• ceaseless kindnesses of marital love – pursue them, be the initiator and throw of all inhibitions when it comes to loving your spouse

If you’re reading this – God has determined for you to be the one who starts!  We can play the game “They should go first – I want them to do this for me! I deserve it…etc.”  The Bible instructs us with how to handle thoughts like these :

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them…” Matthew 7:12 ESV

Wisdom is speaking – are we listening?

Today’s freebie offer comes from:

Bruster’s Real Ice Cream – tomorrow is PJ day – simply visit your local store on Saturday, March 6th in your PJ’s and receive a free single scoop waffle cone!  Can’t beat that!  Check out their FB page for more details!

Each morning I enjoy time alone with the Lord – reading His Word, praying for my husband, my family, friends and for the day ahead. I usually write out my prayers along with my thoughts in my journal allowing me refer back to it whenever I’m prompted to do so. This happened today as Tom and I were contemplating what to post.

I saw a husband and wife who were busy attending to the needs of their family, their home, their church, when they heard the Father call their names. He led them to a door in their house they had never noticed before. The words were heard, “Enter into My joy – My presence.” And the door opened.

As they walked into the dark room together the door closed behind them as the lights turned on. The circular room was empty, but the walls were lined with mirrors. The immediate desire was to leave. The stark reality the mirrors reflected made the husband and wife very uncomfortable, even disturbed. They turned to exit, but the door was hidden behind a mirror. All the husband could see was a reflection of himself; all the wife could see was a reflection of herself. Their flaws were screaming at them, but their was no chance to escape. Instead they clung to each other looking into each other’s eyes. There they found comfort, support and help. They closed their eyes and embraced each other for what seemed an extended time. They whispered affections and heartfelt adorations all the while praising God for the gift of their partner, lover, friend.

What seemed frightening now became curious. They opened their eyes and the most beautiful music began to play. They felt it so intensely their bodies began to dance together. Their hearts and lives were caught up in the rhythm of the glorious music. Looking in the mirrors they saw something that startled them both; they had become one and were being led across the dance floor by Him – the lover of their souls. No longer did they notice their own flawed reflections. They noticed the One who had been leading them all along. Beautiful in Holiness. Immediately, they looked up noticing there was no ceiling in this room, the heavens loomed large above and this is from where the music was coming. It was the music of heaven and only One was watching – the only One who mattered.

The husband and wife realized their oneness was a reflection of Him who called them to be one. Their separate reflections no longer disturbed them because of their acceptance by Him who made them. They longed to dance forever in praise and thanksgiving, but suddenly the music softened, the lights went out and the hidden door opened. “Go”, the voice was heard, “return to the life I’ve called you to, only never forget for whom it is you live and move and have your being. You are reflecting Me to a dark world. And your marriage glorifies Me, even with all your flaws. I have called you to dance and as you do, others will hear the music and join in the praise.

See, I have said this to you to draw your hearts to each other as never before. Do not delay; come to Me, and I will unite your hearts again and you will dance — for My glory and your pleasure.

I’ve noticed that little Patience has trouble telling boys from girls. At first we thought she was just saying “Boy” because “Girl” was too hard for her tongue. But now she can say both, and she uses them interchangeably. It’s not as if she doesn’t know there is a difference. She’s having trouble identifying it in children she sees.

I realized this week that she can’t tell the difference because there is no outward difference. She doesn’t seem them undressed, she sees them in clothes and they all look the same to her. Obviously, she hasn’t learned yet that pink is a girl’s colour, and I don’t know if that needs reinforcing. Little girls’ clothing in pink often has words like” Princess” and “Barbie” embroidered on them. No, thank you. Or it has a portrayal of a cartoon princess on it. Or a cartoon pixie named Tinkerbell. I loved Tink when I was about four, but I think she’s come to be a point of identity with women who consider themselves fey, or magically gifted. (I know enough of the Celtic myths to tell you that you don’t want to mess with the Little People. Ever.)

Patience is not getting it about gender differences. We are the most gender-differentiated household she sees. I wear dresses and prayer caps; Nicholas wears trousers, braces and a black hat. Our work isn’t so different, as we both do household work, and soon, gardening. (All three adults in the house have some sit-down work at the computer, no gender difference there.) The work aspect doesn’t concern me, though. We have always done what needs to be done – I think it is an unwritten Plain precept.

It’s the clothing issue. Women look like men, and some men look like women. Trousers and short hair. Patience completely embarrassed me in a store today – she looked at one woman standing next to us – very short hair, trousers – and very distinctly said, “Boy,” I ignored this, rather than correcting her and making the error more apparent. Of course, she then said it about six times because obviously I couldn’t hear her!

I have some concern now that gender identity in the important way – sex roles – is getting confused. If little girls and little boys can’t tell the difference, how do they identify with their own gender? Is this not important? From a biological viewpoint, I would think it would be important. Cross-gender identification is confusing and embarrassing for most people who experience it: What you are and what is expected of you is not what you feel inside.

There are some people who believe a gender-neutral society is what we need. There would be less conflict, less discrimination. I doubt it, but then, as far as culture goes, I’m a cynical old Christian. And as Job said, “Man was born to trouble as the sparks fly upwards.” He didn’t add that we start the fire ourselves. And while I do not support discrimination in any form, having been the victim of it on several occasions, I cannot support gender neutrality. It was not as God made us. “Male and female He created them.”

We choose to keep that gender difference with clothing and appearance distinctions. Some of that has origins in practicality. Even in cultures where men wore loose fabric instead of trousers, such as the Celtic , Mediterranean and early Greco-Roman societies, there was a distinct difference in what women wore as dress. Men wore kilts, women wore skirts. Asian, African and American cultures had distinctive identifying clothing, hairstyle or jewelry for men and women. (This was a point of embarrassment for some men in the early days of the American Indian Movement. Having become separated from their own traditions, they tried to revive what they thought were traditional styles. Some men began plaiting their long hair, only to find out later that the style of plait they chose was feminine.)

I don’t want to advocate a nineteenth-century missionary attitude, that good Christians all dress like Europeans of the Victorian age – too expensive, and certainly stifling, as you would know if you have ever worn a corset. I do want to advocate the continuation and even the return in society to traditional gender differentiation in dress and behaviour. (I do not suggest that women should not be educated or work outside the home, as that is unreasonable and ahistorical in itself. More on that some other time.) This means different things in different cultures, and I do advocate for continuation of traditions in different cultures, assuming that as people become Christian, they give up cultural practices that are in opposition to gospel teaching. (We follow Jesus, not culture, but few of us have any reason to put on the tunic, cloak and sandals of Middle Eastern historic dress.)

Gender identification at an early age is important, I believe, for personality development. It gives the child a place to be. It gives a child a peg on which to hang their idea of a role model. In some ways, role models will cross gender lines, since all Christians are called to Christian virtue. But a child needs to grow up feeling that he or she has a unique role in their world, and that begins with gender identity. Who do I look like? Where do I belong? What will I be doing as an adult? What is expected of me now? Gender role identity is a shortcut to forming self identity early, and allowing intellectual and spiritual space for growth.

Patience sometimes asks to wear a prayer cap. Her family is not Plain, and while I sometimes let her have an old one to play with, and she loves my bonnet (she has one of her own as well) I don’t go against her family’s wishes and dress her Plain. She did wear a dress yesterday, for the first time in quite a while, and she was thrilled. I did have to remind her that she is not a can-can dancer, though. (To be honest, her family is pants-wearing, and they believe that because she is out of the house a lot, she should wear pants for warmth and comfort. Now, I have no problem with wearing skirts in cold weather, and didn’t mind it when I was a child. I didn’t like it when I had to wear pants under my skirt, or stuff the skirt into snowpants. Most of the women I knew wore skirts most of the time.) I think Patience is beginning to think in her two-year-old way that the prayer cap and skirt mean someone is a woman, the trousers and black hat mean someone is a man. She identifies with being a girl, but is confused about those other people who don’t seem to be either.
How much damage are we doing by not recognizing gender differences in children, or ourselves? Are we too gender neutral? Is that trampy look we see now in women’s fashion a subcurrent of rebellion against gender neutrality? I can see a lot of open questions surrounding this issue, and maybe they are more important than we thought.