We have had the privilege of getting to know this couple through the blog Sarah writes titled, Best Days of My Life.  She is an excellent writer, but what makes her writing worth reading is her heart to serve God and help others who may be facing similar challenges in their marriage.

She is honest.

She is humble.

She is real.

And we believe their testimony is worth sharing with you today.  They were recently interviewed on CBN, and the video of their interview is now available for us to see.  Are you facing trouble in your marriage?  Is it because of hidden sin or a mutual love of worldliness?  Both are detrimental to any marriage, but you are not alone.  And you are certainly not without hope.  God’s mercy is able to reach the lowest among us and lift us out of the filthy pit we may have dug for ourselves.

Listen to Chad and Sarah and learn from them.  You will be changed.  Not because of who they are, but because of the God who made forgiveness possible through the life, death and resurrection of His only Son, Jesus Christ.

In this world of technology we share so much. Too much, we sometimes ponder. And at others, we worry we are too glossy, not honest enough and we need to share more. We search for pages and authors that seem to “get” us. Sometimes we find them in a mother who understands only too well the piles of yet-to-be-folded clothes.  At others we converse with friends from our past in quick snippets of humor and nostalgia on facebook. We join groups, both IRL and online and in each place we wear a different mask.

My friend, I wear these masks too. In some circles I appear the woman who has it all–successful husband, three beautiful children, a house a short walk from the beach. In other places my mask changes to a woman who is deeply concerned with my faith. To some friends, though, I admit I probably seem irreverent and they’d be surprised to find out how much my faith means to me.  Only a  few friends know my sorrows.

One of the most difficult things for me to share honestly and openly about is my marriage. There are important reasons for this. A marriage is sacred. You hold another human being’s heart so fragile in your hands. To discuss problems with others can seem disrespectful and hurtful–far too easy to expose vulnerabilities that aren’t yours to share. I don’t want my friends and family to judge my husband too harshly, or speak unkindly of him (or me or our marriage) when I am not present to further explain and defend.

Truly, a marriage is between a husband, a wife and God. It gets complicated and messy when you invite others in to the kitchen to start stirring this particular stew. Still, there are so many of us that seem to suffer in silence because of our deep respect for our spouse. Or our own personal shame that our marriage is one with “problems”. We scour the internet for articles that go deeper than “division of labor” or “21 ways to keep your husband happy in bed”. We want answers to difficult questions like “How do I help my spouse through depression?”, “Is this *normal* behavior?”, “Can my marriage be saved if I’m the only one trying to save it?”, “Does it matter that my husband doesn’t believe in God?”, “Am I unchristian if I divorce a man who lashes out, but never to the point of anything physical?”. We want to know we are not alone in our struggles in our marriages. We want to know that others have been there and found their way through, one way or another. We want our resentments and fears acknowledged, but we don’t want to stop there. We want a friend to walk with us and remind us we can heal our marriages, our hearts, and not without sacrificing our emotional and psychological well-being along the way.

I will say right here that I believe being a Christian requires much self-sacrifice. But, I do not believe we are meant to suffer at the hands of cruelty or abuse. I believe we are always called to forgive. But, I do not believe we or our spouses are ever meant to continue in behaviors that  can only injure the dearest people in their lives.

I am one wife on the journey of a complicated marriage. We have a marriage that has  been rife with physical illness, mental illness, and unbelievable life stresses. We also have a marriage that has been blessed with much love, forgiveness and faith.

I will remain anonymous on this blog because I believe I am called to share my truth, my friend, with you. I feel called to share my one messy marriage with you in complete honesty so that you may have hope. And, I know for me, it is hard to gain hope from stories of marriages that seem they have never touched the depths of hell that I feel mine has at times.  I am not a professional. And this is not advice. If you need either, I pray that you will seek it from those who can help you. This is simply my story (as it continues to unfold) and one that I hope can meet you where you are in your tears and offer you (and me) the hope to continue wherever God may lead us.

I am Catholic. And this will be reflected, I am sure, in many of my posts. But, like all Catholics, I only know so much. If I ever speak in error on our faith I hope you will gently correct me so that I may learn and grow. But, please know that I know I am not an expert. I am one woman trying hard every day to be a good wife and mother and fulfill my vocation to lead my family towards heaven every day. Sometimes, I stumble and fall. Sometimes I have full system failure and crash completely. Pray for me, my friend, and I will pray for you. And together we can offer each other much hope.

In Christ,

Zelie*

*All names on this blog have been changed to protect the privacy of my family and other families that may not be ready to shed all masks in all situations.

I love Texas. I will, however, admit that it took me a while to get to that point. Texas grows on you, which is saying a lot when you take a look at my lawn this time of year.

I took a teaching job here in 1998 and moved here with my family from Idaho. My wife was happy to leave snow far behind us and welcome (relatively) warm winters. Of course, we moved here in June, and it was 105 degrees at 10 p.m. the night we arrived. So the change in climate was pretty much the first difference we noticed.

The second difference was a change in attitude about the environment. Coming from the Northwest, we had gotten used to recycling, not littering, and being careful about pollution. Despite the slogan “Don’t Mess With Texas,” I haven’t gotten the same attitude here. I couldn’t hardly believe it when I saw the car on the road in front of us roll down their window and dump a bag of litter onto the side of the road. Do that in Oregon and you are likely to be shot.

Here’s where it hits close to home. I teach at Southwestern Adventist University, a place you’d expect to see recycling bins, work bees to pick up trash along the road, and rallies to recycle oil and other toxic liquids. In 12 years, I haven’t seen any of those things. Why?

Further, this is a Christian school. I have always associated caring about the world we live in with Genesis 2:15 where it talks about God putting Adam in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. I figured we have an obligation not only to our children, but to God, to take care of the only home we have in this lifetime.

But maybe my mistake was making that association. Maybe it falls into the same category as assuming all good Christians are Republicans, or all Adventists are vegetarians. It would be nice, but it just doesn’t work out that way.

I’ve been thinking about what this issue for years. I’ve meant to speak up for a long time. And, to be honest, the reason why I haven’t is because of something I learned long ago about committees. Never bring up a problem in committee unless you have a solution and you are willing to work on fixing the problem.

Well, I’m willing to work on fixing the problem. But I think the issue is bigger than one person.

How about it? Is there anyone else out there that thinks we need to be doing more at Southwestern–and in the state of Texas–about the environment? Maybe the old saying is true. Maybe together we really can make a difference.

What is truth? We’ve all pondered that question…even Pilate asked that question when talking with Jesus in John 18:38. What Pilate didn’t know was that he was actually talking to “The Truth.” John 14:6 “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.” Think about the irony, Pilate’s asking “what is truth” and Truth is looking directly at him.

Jesus is the Truth and Jesus is the Word (John 1:1), now let’s look at how this all relates to parenting. 2 John 1:4 “How happy I was to meet some of your children and find them living according to the truth, just as the Father commanded.”

As parent’s we are responsible for teaching our children how to discern the truth by going to the Word which is the only measuring device. Does it line up with the Word of God? Does it remain consistent with his teachings? If not, they should reject it immediately.

When our daughter Kelli was 6 years old she came into our bedroom one night and said “I have a question.” (That’s kid code for “prepare yourselves, I’m going to ask you something that is really hard to explain.”) So the question was “Is Santa Clause real?” We love the Christmas season at the Carter house. It’s filled with lots of tradition, excitement and yes Santa is part of it, so my heart sank just a little bit.

But, this was one of those times where God gave me the exact words to say. I asked Kelli why she was asking and she said that a girl at school had told her that Santa wasn’t real and that she wanted to know if she was right. My next question was “Kelli, what do you think?” She said, “Well I wish Santa was in the Bible, then I would know it’s true.” She was 6 years old and she knew that the Word was truth!  I wanted to scream YES!!! I”m getting through to her!!!  It’s working!!! (but I didn’t)  I simply responded, “Kelli, you’re exactly right…if it was in the Bible it would be true.” Then she got a big smile on her face like she just figured out a deep secret all on her own.

12 years later, Kelli is an 18-year-old college freshman who loves Jesus and still seeks the Word for the truth every day.  Yep, it works, you can raise incredible kids!

In my last entry I wrote about how I have to carry my girls through many parts of our marriage while they are healing. Maybe this should go without saying, but there’s a definite need for me to quietly and often invisibly offer my wife and the girls grace during this time.

Since the inside girls have entered our family life, many, many things have had to be changed. It’s really not any different than when children enter the family except that those children happen to be living in the body of my adult wife and they need extra grace while they heal from major emotional trauma.

I understand that I would expect a normal child to do chores around the house and clean up after him/herself. But right now I have put a premium on filling the inside girls’ wounded spirit(s) with love and joy. So I overlook many things that I wouldn’t if these girls were outside daughters. So a lot of my day I spend acting like a butler and cleaning up after them or running petty errands for them.

But this has created a corresponding dynamic with my son. As I’ve said before he is wonderful with Alleylieu and Amy, but he gets a little frustrated with the fact that they don’t help more around the house. So I’ve also had to extend grace to him concerning chores and responsibilities. I have a hard time demanding him to help me more around the house when his mother does so little. Right now our household operates on the principle of taking care of the necessities and many other things we just don’t worry about.

Another thing I have had to do is learn to extend grace to Karen. And sometimes this is the hardest because I want and need her to “act” like an adult, but as she told me one day, with Amy, Alleylieu, Sophia and the others so close to the surface nowadays, they are playing havoc with her personality and emotions. Right now she literally cannot act like an adult most of the time. I wish it were otherwise, but to demand it of her would be to demand the impossible.

Currently everything is all stirred up inside and the girls and Karen are swirling, bumping, churning, grinding, and mixing together like a tornado. The floodgates have been opened wide, and everything that used to be “neatly” kept separate is being shoved back together. There’s a lot going on, and though I so deeply miss the adult companionship of my wife, I have to view this as a time of convalescence just as if she had been in a major car accident or had a major fight with cancer and was incapacitated for months or maybe a year or two.

One definition of grace says it is generosity of spirit, a capacity to tolerate, accommodate, or forgive people. I think that’s a good definition. Everyone has his or her pet peeves about how a household should be run. But if you’re going to create a safe and loving environment conducive for healing to someone with DID, you definitely will need to graciously overlook many things that you would normally find annoying and intolerable. You will need to become a person full of grace.

Blessings.

Sam, I Am.

We have one winery nearby in a small town called Clermont just west of Orlando.  Lakeridge Winery had their annual Grape Stomp Harvest this past weekend.  We’ve always wanted to go, but haven’t been able to yet.  However, a good friend, who also happens to be a great photographer, was there on Saturday, and her pictures speak one truth loud and clear; harvest time is messy!  Here are a few of our favorite pics:

Photo by Steph Lightfoot

It’s true that harvest time can be fun and profitable, but we often miss the fact that it can be messy.  We become discouraged when we’re in the middle of crushing “issues” or “sin patterns” in our marriages, yet harvest is just around the corner.  Don’t give up – keep crushing and before long there will be a shelf full of rich wine from which to draw lasting nourishment.

God has promised to help us in our weakness.  He will give us strength to endure hardship and embrace the discipline necessary to reap the rewards.  The question is are we sleeping in the vineyard, or standing in the barrels ready to roll up our sleeves and work!