It is raining outside as I write this post.  I have always loved the rain – the gentle shower as well as the violent storm.  God expresses His love and care for the earth with the shower, and He reminds us of His majesty and power in the storm.

Tonight it is a gentle shower, but there is thunder rolling in the distance.  It’s like an echo whispering of God’s ever present power to water the earth however He chooses.

In the same way God cares for the earth, He is at work caring for our marriages.  The fact that you are taking the time to read a blog about it shows your desire to learn and grow.  Flowers left to themselves would wither and die.  They have no desire nor ability to pursue the rain.  The rain must come to them.

We are unlike the flowers of the field.

God has given us the ability to think, reason and learn.  We can seek out the rain when we are going through a dry season.  We can soak up the rich water of His Word to remind us of why we got married in the first place.  We can change and become more passionate about our spouse even if years of indifference have left our hearts feeling cold and unromantic.

How?  How is change possible?  One raindrop at a time.

If you have not pursued your spouse romantically in a long time and the thought of doing so makes you nervous, then read on!  You don’t have to plan an elaborate night away, or extend yourself way beyond what seems natural.  Start with one rain drop.  Here are a few for you to consider:

• Write a personal note and mail it to them.
• Find your wedding picture and place it your spouse’s dresser saying, “I still do!”
• Rub your spouses neck after a long day.  When you finish kiss the same spot.
• Talk to them about your desire to change and what they would like to see change too.  While you’re at it – ask them what romance means to them – see this post!

Following such simple gestures are sure to water the dry soil of romance in your marriage.  There are seeds waiting to come alive in your hearts towards each other and each drop you absorb will be refreshing to you and fruitful for those who are following after you.  You see, the way we love our spouse isn’t only for our pleasure or for God’s glory, but it’s also for the generations who are following after us.  They are watching to see if marriage God’s way really works.   God will help us prove the answer is a thundering YES!

So, is it raining romance in your heart?

Jealousy

It is so interesting to watch children at the beach.   While playing with my granddaughters this week, I have noticed several times when the ‘green-eyed’ monster came to play.  Jealousy, it is only natural in humans.  It is our response to it that can be sad.  When the green-eyed monster rears its head with the grandchildren their parents teach them to share toys and attention.  Not every parent heeds the onset of the monster and because it is allowed to grow, it becomes a true monster that follows them throughout life.  My four-year old granddaughter was playing with a raft in the pool and when she got off to get back on a different way, another child took it away from her.  The child’s parent immediately talked with her daughter and had her give it back and apologize.  Good parenting.  Too many parents ignore what their children are doing and/or pass it off as ‘kids will be kids’.  To which I respond, “only if you let them”.  Parenting means you are constantly raising them to be adults.  Too many parents step in during the teenage years to make them young adults after ignoring them over the previous 12 or so years.  That is a little late.  Everything our children need to know we teach in the first few years of life along with how to walk, feed themselves and potty training.

One of the first words children learn is ‘mine’.  Many parents typically respond with teaching them to share.   But, then they stop.  Every truth you teach your child about getting along with others need to be continued in their spiritual life as they are learning about God.  Otherwise, as they grow up, they will deal with the problem over and over.  I think if we are honest, most of us in retrospect will realize that as adults we still deal with the issue of ‘mine’ in some areas.

As my husband and I have gone unemployed during these hard economic times, we face the reality of loosing everything we own.  I will be honest, it has been hard to look at my ‘treasures’ and realize they may have to go.  Not just the house, but furniture, great-grandmother’s china, etc.  When people lose their house in a flood or fire they lose all the photos, heirlooms, etc.  As I think through all the memories and realize I may have no place to store them I had to be honest with myself and admit that I was still in the ‘mine’ mode as an adult.  Of course satan wants to jump right in and try to make you be angry and jealous of those who are doing so well and seem to have no struggles.    In truth, everything I have is from God above and His to take.  We often hear you cannot take it with you, but the truth is, there is no guarantee you’ll keep it while you are here either.  Job 1:21

Your children will have this same problem as they lose things or see other children get their ‘wants’ while your child does not.   It is important they learn that God gives us what we need when we need it and not our wants.  The desires of our heart are given to us when we delight ourselves in Him, but only He knows what the true desires of our heart are.

Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

As you are teaching your child the concept of ‘mine’, sharing, and about the green-eyed monster of jealousy, teach them along the way that God is giving them everything and He has the right to give and take as He sees fit to mold us into His image, not our idea of what that image should be.

I oftentimes find myself going through a period of desolation in my daily walk.  Granted, most of the time I arrive at one of these points is due to my sin causing a great abyss between Jesus and me.  There are times, however, that the slightly standoff feeling arises,do you ever experience this? Let me explain.

A young couple after being married for a short time had reached a point in their relationship where the initial feelings of “in love” were no longer there.  For some reason, they could not seem to reinvent the beginning passion they once enjoyed.  After some time, they began to drift further apart, eventually seeking this “in love” euphoria from other aspects of life: parties, other romances, work, you name it.  The overriding reality was that the hunger was there for something fulfilling, it just lacked the effort.

Sometimes we all go through the same sort of problem in our relationship with Christ.   We may come off of a dynamic retreat or some other type of spiritual experience and realize after a few days of the real world, the euphoria has worn off.  It can be a vast expanse of loneliness and frustration, those times when you pray and do not “feel” as if Christ is listening.

The Israelites had the same type of problem as Moses was leading them through the desert.  While in the literal wilderness, they began to fall away from the very one who had delivered them from slavery.  It is not to go unmentioned this nation had witnessed the saving power of God first hand with the plagues, the parting of the Red Sea, not to mention the pillar of fire that led them through the first part of the desert.  With all of this first hand, “see it with my own eyes” testimony to the reality of God, they still wondered.  Their wilderness was literal, but the manifestations of what brought them there is the same as the behaviors you and I do on a regular basis.  It can simply be broken down to laziness.

When you are going through a wilderness, there is one vital thing to remember, Christ promised to never leave or forsake us.  Perhaps this season of your life is intentional on the part of God to teach you something, prune something out of your life, or simply allow you to grow.  Imagine going through an actual desert, nothing but sand in sight for miles and miles.  Would you not have a renewed sense of joy and thankfulness when you finally reach a piece of land with water, trees, food…? Sometimes in our daily walk with Christ, we reach a point of complacency.

Another important aspect of the desert is the ability for the experience to prune us, take us deeper.  As a new Christian, I felt at times, as if Christ was right next to me as I prayed, I could “feel” His presence as I entered into worship of him.  Gradually over time, my schedule would get in the way of my daily time with God.  Instead of spending my day praying, or simply talking with Christ, I found myself giving a last ditch “hey there thank you” prayer as I drifted off to sleep.  Hardly what is Christ deserved.  Through my laziness and lack of intimacy, I began to lose that “feeling.”  Over time, this helped me grow.

During my desert times, I remember the Psalm that I love to hate.. (I say that reverently of course.)  This verse was given to me several times throughout my first major lull, so much so, I could never get away from it.  I would open to it randomly in my Bible, see it on bumper stickers, or even admire a painting only to realize in the lower right hand a reference to it.   There was one time when I had enough and literally yelled to God, “What does this stupid verse mean?” (My neighbors thought I was nuts.)

Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God.”

I encourage you to read this verse if you are currently experiencing a desert in your walk.  Pray over it and be sure to read the follow up to this blog explaining how this applies to the wildernesses of our lives.

Part II

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About the Writer:

Trent Cotton has spent a number of years in management and business consulting. After spending some time in the field, he joined the HR department, beginning in recruiting and eventually serving as the Department Head of HR for one of the major lines of business. With such a varied background, he works to bring all of these together to help churches and other Christian organizations incorporate some common business practices into their ministries to enable them to better serve the Kingdom. He currently works for SourcePointe, an HR Outsourcing Agency while continuing to own and operate Christian Management Consulting as a ministry. In his free time, he also writes a lot on Church Development as a Church Consultant.

As a husband and father of three, Trent Cotton has a passion surrounding the role Christian Men are to play in their families, communities, churches and businesses.  This particular blog is dedicated to helping men take back the role that we have lost in society.

I oftentimes find myself going through a period of desolation in my daily walk.  Granted, most of the time I arrive at one of these points is due to my sin causing a great abyss between Jesus and me.  There are times, however, that the slightly standoff feeling arises,do you ever experience this? Let me explain.

A young couple after being married for a short time had reached a point in their relationship where the initial feelings of “in love” were no longer there.  For some reason, they could not seem to reinvent the beginning passion they once enjoyed.  After some time, they began to drift further apart, eventually seeking this “in love” euphoria from other aspects of life: parties, other romances, work, you name it.  The overriding reality was that the hunger was there for something fulfilling, it just lacked the effort.

Sometimes we all go through the same sort of problem in our relationship with Christ.   We may come off of a dynamic retreat or some other type of spiritual experience and realize after a few days of the real world, the euphoria has worn off.  It can be a vast expanse of loneliness and frustration, those times when you pray and do not “feel” as if Christ is listening.

The Israelites had the same type of problem as Moses was leading them through the desert.  While in the literal wilderness, they began to fall away from the very one who had delivered them from slavery.  It is not to go unmentioned this nation had witnessed the saving power of God first hand with the plagues, the parting of the Red Sea, not to mention the pillar of fire that led them through the first part of the desert.  With all of this first hand, “see it with my own eyes” testimony to the reality of God, they still wondered.  Their wilderness was literal, but the manifestations of what brought them there is the same as the behaviors you and I do on a regular basis.  It can simply be broken down to laziness.

When you are going through a wilderness, there is one vital thing to remember, Christ promised to never leave or forsake us.  Perhaps this season of your life is intentional on the part of God to teach you something, prune something out of your life, or simply allow you to grow.  Imagine going through an actual desert, nothing but sand in sight for miles and miles.  Would you not have a renewed sense of joy and thankfulness when you finally reach a piece of land with water, trees, food…? Sometimes in our daily walk with Christ, we reach a point of complacency.

Another important aspect of the desert is the ability for the experience to prune us, take us deeper.  As a new Christian, I felt at times, as if Christ was right next to me as I prayed, I could “feel” His presence as I entered into worship of him.  Gradually over time, my schedule would get in the way of my daily time with God.  Instead of spending my day praying, or simply talking with Christ, I found myself giving a last ditch “hey there thank you” prayer as I drifted off to sleep.  Hardly what is Christ deserved.  Through my laziness and lack of intimacy, I began to lose that “feeling.”  Over time, this helped me grow.

During my desert times, I remember the Psalm that I love to hate.. (I say that reverently of course.)  This verse was given to me several times throughout my first major lull, so much so, I could never get away from it.  I would open to it randomly in my Bible, see it on bumper stickers, or even admire a painting only to realize in the lower right hand a reference to it.   There was one time when I had enough and literally yelled to God, “What does this stupid verse mean?” (My neighbors thought I was nuts.)

Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God.”

I encourage you to read this verse if you are currently experiencing a desert in your walk.  Pray over it and be sure to read the follow up to this blog explaining how this applies to the wildernesses of our lives.

Part II

Have new posts delivered right to your email, join our subscription.

About the Writer:

Trent Cotton has spent a number of years in management and business consulting. After spending some time in the field, he joined the HR department, beginning in recruiting and eventually serving as the Department Head of HR for one of the major lines of business. With such a varied background, he works to bring all of these together to help churches and other Christian organizations incorporate some common business practices into their ministries to enable them to better serve the Kingdom. He currently works for SourcePointe, an HR Outsourcing Agency while continuing to own and operate Christian Management Consulting as a ministry. In his free time, he also writes a lot on Church Development as a Church Consultant.

As a husband and father of three, Trent Cotton has a passion surrounding the role Christian Men are to play in their families, communities, churches and businesses.  This particular blog is dedicated to helping men take back the role that we have lost in society.

I oftentimes find myself going through a period of desolation in my daily walk.  Granted, most of the time I arrive at one of these points is due to my sin causing a great abyss between Jesus and me.  There are times, however, that the slightly standoff feeling arises,do you ever experience this? Let me explain.

A young couple after being married for a short time had reached a point in their relationship where the initial feelings of “in love” were no longer there.  For some reason, they could not seem to reinvent the beginning passion they once enjoyed.  After some time, they began to drift further apart, eventually seeking this “in love” euphoria from other aspects of life: parties, other romances, work, you name it.  The overriding reality was that the hunger was there for something fulfilling, it just lacked the effort.

Sometimes we all go through the same sort of problem in our relationship with Christ.   We may come off of a dynamic retreat or some other type of spiritual experience and realize after a few days of the real world, the euphoria has worn off.  It can be a vast expanse of loneliness and frustration, those times when you pray and do not “feel” as if Christ is listening.

The Israelites had the same type of problem as Moses was leading them through the desert.  While in the literal wilderness, they began to fall away from the very one who had delivered them from slavery.  It is not to go unmentioned this nation had witnessed the saving power of God first hand with the plagues, the parting of the Red Sea, not to mention the pillar of fire that led them through the first part of the desert.  With all of this first hand, “see it with my own eyes” testimony to the reality of God, they still wondered.  Their wilderness was literal, but the manifestations of what brought them there is the same as the behaviors you and I do on a regular basis.  It can simply be broken down to laziness.

When you are going through a wilderness, there is one vital thing to remember, Christ promised to never leave or forsake us.  Perhaps this season of your life is intentional on the part of God to teach you something, prune something out of your life, or simply allow you to grow.  Imagine going through an actual desert, nothing but sand in sight for miles and miles.  Would you not have a renewed sense of joy and thankfulness when you finally reach a piece of land with water, trees, food…? Sometimes in our daily walk with Christ, we reach a point of complacency.

Another important aspect of the desert is the ability for the experience to prune us, take us deeper.  As a new Christian, I felt at times, as if Christ was right next to me as I prayed, I could “feel” His presence as I entered into worship of him.  Gradually over time, my schedule would get in the way of my daily time with God.  Instead of spending my day praying, or simply talking with Christ, I found myself giving a last ditch “hey there thank you” prayer as I drifted off to sleep.  Hardly what is Christ deserved.  Through my laziness and lack of intimacy, I began to lose that “feeling.”  Over time, this helped me grow.

During my desert times, I remember the Psalm that I love to hate.. (I say that reverently of course.)  This verse was given to me several times throughout my first major lull, so much so, I could never get away from it.  I would open to it randomly in my Bible, see it on bumper stickers, or even admire a painting only to realize in the lower right hand a reference to it.   There was one time when I had enough and literally yelled to God, “What does this stupid verse mean?” (My neighbors thought I was nuts.)

Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God.”

I encourage you to read this verse if you are currently experiencing a desert in your walk.  Pray over it and be sure to read the follow up to this blog explaining how this applies to the wildernesses of our lives.

Part II

Have new posts delivered right to your email, join our subscription.

About the Writer:

Trent Cotton has spent a number of years in management and business consulting. After spending some time in the field, he joined the HR department, beginning in recruiting and eventually serving as the Department Head of HR for one of the major lines of business. With such a varied background, he works to bring all of these together to help churches and other Christian organizations incorporate some common business practices into their ministries to enable them to better serve the Kingdom. He currently works for SourcePointe, an HR Outsourcing Agency while continuing to own and operate Christian Management Consulting as a ministry. In his free time, he also writes a lot on Church Development as a Church Consultant.

As a husband and father of three, Trent Cotton has a passion surrounding the role Christian Men are to play in their families, communities, churches and businesses.  This particular blog is dedicated to helping men take back the role that we have lost in society.

Boundaries are all the rage today. Alleylieu tells me that the people on her one forum are continually discussing books that promote the “necessity” of personal boundaries in a marriage. Amy caught the bug, too, and began trumpeting, “Daddy, I have a voice!” and “This is my boundary!” But as a spouse who is deeply involved in the healing process, what should my attitude about boundaries be?

 What is a boundary? Boundaries let others know, “This is my space.” Sometimes we build a fence or wall if we want to reinforce the boundary from intruders. But other times a boundary is simply a marker. We may leave the boundary open, but it is our legal ace that we can use if someone misuses our generosity.

 Recently I got into a prolonged discussion with Alleylieu. She wanted to know why I’m the only person she knows who doesn’t think boundaries are a good thing. She said even plenty of Christian teachers espouse the benefits of boundaries.

 So I replied:

 “Outside of a marriage some level of boundaries is always appropriate. There are some things I would never do with my son, with relatives or with a friend. Having sex with them is an example. The more distant the relationship I have with a person, emotionally speaking, the more boundaries will naturally be in place.

 But inside a healthy marriage boundaries have NO place. The Bible is clear that “the two shall become one flesh.” How can two people become one if they carve big sections of their marriage relationship up with “Do not enter”or “Watch Out” signs?

 That being said, I have never treated you girls (insiders) as my wife, and so I have respected the boundaries that you have set. I understand that “boundaries” and “having a voice” are important when you were never allowed to have them in the past. Right now they are part of your healing process as you learn that I am a safe person for you.

 But boundaries should never be the goal in a marriage. So you girls have NEVER heard me tell you that I have any boundaries. Whatever you need, it is my duty and pleasure to try to fulfill. And I hope some day that you will see the need for boundaries in your own life to no longer exist. Where there is complete trust and love, boundaries are unneeded: “What is mine is yours, and what is yours is mine.”

 As the husband of a DID wife, the guideline “boundaries: none for me, respecting theirs” serves me well. My girls need ALL of me they can get during this healing journey. To play games with them and withhold things that are within my power to provide them would simply slow the healing process. From a purely selfish perspective, for me to erect boundaries would be self defeating since my number one goal is my wife’s healing. But beyond that, when my wife gets done healing, I hope some day to have a soulmate. Life is meant to be shared. Marriage is to be the deepest level of sharing possible between two people. Boundaries have one purpose only in a relationship: to keep others out. I can do without that between me and my wife.

 Blessings.

 Sam, I Am

I don’t think we can expect young women (and some older ones) to suddenly decide that they are modest after all, just because they are getting married. “Raise them up in the way that they should go.”  And if we, their elders, have not given them much of an example (and I shake my head when I think of my past) then why do we demand it now? So, physician, heal thyself!

To me it is more than a matter of physical modesty; an expensive stylish outfit that shows no leg below the knee or doesn’t accentuate the bosom, paired with gold jewelry, a flattering haircut and a bit of colour to hide the grey, is still not saying to the world that a Christian woman is standing before them. Of course, the Plainest of Plain dresses, the severest of headcovering, and a sharp temper with a rough tongue doesn’t either. Modest, simple, headcovering dress and a meek temperment tell the world that thee is a Christian!

I know many will disagree with that, that they don’t think headcovering is required, that it is oppressive and outdated. I say it is back in date, even if it dropped out for a while. The world needs the Christian witness more than ever, and if we do not make that witness, if we are not living martyrs to the ways of the world, then we are not listening to what the world needs, which is the Way of Christ. We are called to be prophets of a different sort, living out our faith by example rather than words.

Nor is it enough to marry in a modest dress, live modestly and covered, and never give of our hearts. Marriage is more than the binding of two into one and the establishment of a household. It is also living out the mission of the little family church that you have become. Marriage is a mission to the world. It is a way to show how God loves us, how Jesus saves us. It is a place of extravagant hospitality in the humblest of settings.

This does not mean that the wedding reception has to be an extravagant waste of money and resources, the most expensive of everything in order to impress one’s friends. The party can be quite modest in budget, and simple in taste, while providing the guests with a wonderful time of food and fellowship.  It can be as simple as cheese, fruit and lemonade, a barbecue of burgers and sausage and salads, or a breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, toast and juice. The wedding cake should be good cake, and if it is homemade, all the better, without the over-the-top decorations of the expensive cakes we see on television. (Not that I don’t love seeing the artistic creations, but what used to be ordered only on the corporate level for huge business parties is now expected at little suburban weddings.)

That’s the beginning of family hospitality. I don’t believe in head tables, special wines for the wedding party, or the horrid habit of numbering the tables for the buffet line. Have two buffets set up or have waiters, or keep the meal so simple that there is not a backup at the buffet. The food should be well-prepared, and most multi-item buffets just don’t meet that standard. It used to be a custom in some places for the wedding attendants or the bride’s family to serve the tables, and special aprons were made by the bride for that purpose.

And that’s just the beginning. Christian hospitality is not about entertaining friends and family every Sunday, though.  It goes well beyond that. The new family – this little church – has a mission in the world, to serve the hungry, provide for the needy, to reach out and love as Christ has loved us.  Activity in outreach, the food bank, the soup kitchen, the homeless shelter, or raising money for and even serving in mission beyond our own walls is part of the Christian family life. We will have no trouble practicing modesty if that is the mission we fulfill, because we will have little time for mirror gazing and contemplation of our own desires.