As a husband who is deeply involved in my wife’s healing journey, I have become a defacto therapist. Even though my girls do not want to talk most things through with me, how I interact with all of them will profoundly affect the healing process. So here are some things I try to keep in mind.

 1) Trauma survivors see the world differently than non-trauma survivors. In fact, everyone sees the world differently than I do. We are all unique. So it’s important if I’m going to be part of the healing process that I remember that I have 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason: I need to listen to my girls twice as much as I offer my opinion to them about things. Listening to Karen, Amy, Alleylieu, Sophia and the other girls validates them and what they feel. When I listen to my girls, I also gain a deep understanding of them. Listening first makes it so much easier to meet their needs or offer help that is actually needed and wanted.

 But when I don’t listen or if I argue with them and tell them “you shouldn’t feel that way,” I’ve just invalidated them. And whether I understand it, doing so places me in very close company to the original abusers who cared nothing about my girls’ opinions but only about their needs.

 2) Trauma survivors will heal at the pace they are able to heal. Being impatient isn’t going to do anything other than make your girls feel “pressured.” And I’m preaching to myself here. It’s been 22 years that I’ve been waiting to have a healthy wife. I DON’T FEEL LIKE BEING PATIENT! But that is exactly what I must be.

 I look at it this way. In a garden I can plow up the dirt. I can get rid of the rocks, stumps, weeds and everything else. I can buy the best fertilizer. I can plant the seeds in the optimal way. I can water it daily. I can pray for the right amounts of sunshine. But in the end, those little plants are going to grow at a certain rate.

 So, yes, I can influence the healing process. I can provide an environment at home that is conducive to help my girls heal: one that is safe, peaceful, loving and meets the felt needs of my wife and the various insiders. But in the end, it is up to them. So if my girls say, “You’re pressuring me,” I try to take it seriously and back off. Otherwise, I’m becoming an obstacle to healing instead of a conductor for healing.

 3) Trauma survivors have no reference point for healing. Think about it. Most people who have DID can NEVER remember a time that they weren’t traumatized. So they are seeking something that they have never experienced. That should help us have some empathy for the size of the task they are undertaking. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It just means not only do we need to be very understanding of the struggles they are encountering as they try to expunge the pain, hurt and fear out of their heart, but also the more we can do to model what healthy, loving and well-adjusted behavior is the more they will have an example of what they are trying to reach.

 4) Trauma survivors don’t need preachers. I struggle with this a lot. Think about being parents. When we see something in real life that we think would be a great lesson for our kids, we often point it out and throw in a little sermon for free. How often are these sermons gratefully received by our children?!! Come on. I’m the parent with loads of wisdom just waiting to be dispensed to my children.

 Likewise, just because I may be the “non-traumatized” spouse does not mean that my “free” sermons will be anymore gratefully received by Karen or the girls. Even though in a very real sense I am raising the insiders, I have to be careful how I offer my wisdom to them. Look for teachable moments and have a soft approach. And be sure to practice what you preach. It works a lot better than a well-rehearsed sermon.

 5) When my girls actually do need to talk through something with me, I have to try to detach myself from the situation so that they can talk without fear of counterattacks. Alleylieu and I are in the middle of this right now. So I may try to expand this point in a future entry because it is really critical.

 So I’m Mr. T. whether or not I want to be. But the therapy I “dispense” for my girls is really just positive life experiences. The better I follow these guidelines, the more positive and healing I can make these life experiences. I wish I could say I perfectly follow these guidelines, but I give it the best try I can.

 Blessings.

 Sam, I Am

What would you change? – Your age? Your retirement plan?  Your job? What is it, that if you could do it all over again, you re-do?

Right now, I am looking back on a lot of different events in my life that have brought me to the point I am today. Would I change any of them?  Sure! BUT would I be the person I am today – where I am today and would any of it be “better”?

I really and honestly don’t believe so.  I believe that there is a plan for our lives, and that He brings us exactly where and how He decides. Has it always been pleasant? – Heck no! But without my children I would never know my grandchildren.  Without a babysitter quitting on me at night and having to find daycare before morning would I ever have been in the right place to find my church home at Pleasantview here in Phoenix through their private Christian K4-8^th grade school more than 20 years ago? I doubt it.

Every path we go down has a benefit or a consequence…I think that every path I’ve gone down has had a benefit (although some would say consequence) and now, with new paths in front of me again, I just pray for the guidance to choose the one that will bring benefit to everyone I know…because we are NOT in this alone – We are all touched every day by the people all around us.

Without recent financial situations, would I have been open to the suggestion of starting my own home-based business?  Probably not – but it has been a ball and continues to open my eyes to the wonderful possibilities that lay before me with a future that is wide open!  And the people I am meeting, like the award-winning author, Marcia Fine, and the effervescent Gia Heller, and the women at the Arizona Women Networking organization – Oh my – what fun!!!

So many neat things to learn and do and learn some more and may it all count for His gain and naught of my own – for without Him, I am nothing.

Writing this post made me remember a song from long ago (I found the words and am going to sing it Sunday) – it goes like this.

(Mylon R. Lefevre)

Without Him I could do nothing
Without Him I’d surely fail
Without Him I would be drifting
Like a ship without a sail

Without Him I would be dying
Without Him I’d be enslaved
Without Him life would be worthless
But with Jesus thank God I’m saved

Oh Jesus, oh Jesus
Do you know Him today
Please don’t turn Him away
Oh Jesus, my Jesus
Without Him how lost I would be
Without Him how lost I would be

Barbequed Words

James 3:7

All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and creatures of the sea, are being tamed and have been tamed by man. But no man can tame the tongue.  It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

We are indeed able to tame lions, leopards, elephants, and horses.  Even our catfish follow us around the pond until they are fed.  But my tongue gets away from me. No flute can charm it and its hot damage blazes away before I can get it under control.  I can only look upon the ashes of the fire my tongue starts and regret the unleashing of my words.

As I walk around in life, I must be silent more. Even when I want my way, and especially when I am convinced I am right and there can be no other way.  It is in these times I am the most wrong and my tongue is the most loose.

Lord, give me the ability to control my mouth, to speak only pleasant things, and to use my tongue to praise you and to speak words of compassion and hope to others.  Forgive me for all I have ever said to hinder the progress of others and in the future bridle my words from all that is offensive.

I must learn to breathe in before I blow out unpleasant words in unkind speech.

Blessings,

Ron

[Ron Lowery is the Senior Pastor of City Road Chapel, UMC, among other things. His Good Friday Thoughts is a weekly feature on this blog. Please visit us again or subscribe through the RSS feed to be sure you do not miss this devotional.]

Should you wish to join us, City Road Chapel, UMC is located in Madison, TN, in the northern section of Nashville, within easy distance of Opryland (see map.) Most Sundays we have a small, early church service at 8:00a.m., Sunday School at 8:45, and another, larger  worship at 10:00.  We have Sunday bus service to pick up those who cannot make it themselves. (Call 615-868-1673 for inquiries.) All are welcome. We will try to post any changes in worship time due to special events here or on the official site.  (Map) If you wish to find out more about us, visit our official Website.

I’d like to share my testimony but before I do perhaps I should tell you why you will never see our names in this blog.  We are missionaries to Asia.  I can’t even say which country we are called to because of the grave danger facing us should the wrong person attain this information.  Islam is not just an Asian religion but it continues to grow in Asia.  Christianity grows as well but there are too few workers in the field!   Anyway, that’s one of the reasons you won’t see my name.  Another reason is that God told us not to seek praise from other people.  Without the reader knowing our names, it is impossible to give me praise!  All praise must go to God because all good flows from Him.

I was born and raised in Wisconsin.  My family was relatively wealthy in that I never lacked anything which was needed.  We had a home on a lake near Minocqua and so I enjoyed the northwoods by fishing, hunting, and hiking.  I grew up back in the day when the telephone lines gave us only a party line.  You could pick up the phone in the summertime and eavesdrop on tourists visiting the lake.  In the winter, the lake was perfectly quiet.  We went icefishing for entertainment but winter was really very boring.

My parents were Christians.  We went to church every sunday and I attend an AWANA club when I was a kid.  It was great fun as we played a lot of games and they were able to teach us very much from the Bible.  In this time, I knew that what they were teaching me was true, but I was still a slave to sin.

I made up a testimony and shared it with my family.  I wanted their approval.  I got it.

When I went to college, I went to a Christian college because I thought my parents would be impressed.  They were.

I am so thankful for the chapel services in Christian colleges.  God took a grip on my heart in that chapel and He has never let go.  Praise God for working in this former liar!

My parents were very surprised to learn that I was a NEW believer.  Why are Christian parents surprised to learn that their children lied for their approval?  Parenting is such a tough job.  It requires so much sensitivity!

I became very ill and was unable to finish college.  Really, God took me away from a path I had chosen and gave me the new direction into missions.  What better place is there than in the center of His will?

I can see now, that God designed me, He molded me and prepared me for missions from the time I was born.  How?  Here are just a few examples of what He did…

1) My parents were German and English. My brother is tall with red hair.  Yet, I was born short with black hair. I look Muslim!  I even was given a very thick beard which I couldn’t shave if I had wanted to.  When I visit the USA now, many people mistake me for a Muslim.

2) I enjoyed EXTREME camping.  What I mean is, God gave me an ability to sleep in the worst conditions imaginable!  When I was a kid, it was entertainment but now it is simply part of life.

3) God gave me a lake in northern Wisconsin.  I actually believe God wanted me to enjoy being naked in the summer!   I would never wear clothing in the summer unless we were going in to town for something.  Why bother when you are constantly skinny dipping or getting dirty outside?  This prepared me for a culture that is nearly the same and which shocks most of the other western missionaries.  I think nothing of it and I wish they didn’t either.  Think about their spirit, not their appearance!

4) God gave me a lot of skill with languages.  In high school I studied Latin and got straight A’s.  (but don’t quiz me!  I don’t remember much except Sum, es, est, summus, estes, sunt.  Or something like that, lol.)

5) God gave me great endurance.  I can walk and walk and walk and walk and walk.  Praise God!

6) God gave me keen insight when talking to people.  It has helped me understand what is preventing them from faith in Christ and it has helped foresee dangers.  I liked Spiderman when I was a kid and I joke that God gave to me Spidey senses.   I guess you’d have to know the comic to understand that.

7) God gave me a wife that is willing to follow wherever God leads us.  This feels like the greatest treasure of all!  I am such a weak person.  I really need my wife and God knows it.  Thank you Lord!

And so, I walk in Asia appearing to fit in, sleeping where only I could sleep, unfazed by the culture, understanding those around me, never growing weary, and always able to return to a home base village to be with a loving wife and a couple beautiful children.  All of this God provides to see His good news reach the ears that are willing to hear.

Today marks the final entry in our Love is series.  Paul sums it all up by declaring, “love never fails!”

Wow!  How many marriages would endure if both the husband and wife had this conviction of heart.  If something isn’t able to fail, then whatever happens must be endured.  And not only endured but worked on to improve and strengthen.

The love Paul has outlined for us is impossible left to ourselves.  We are incapable of loving our spouse the way God intended.  Only Adam and Eve experienced this kind of marital bliss, yet even they weren’t satisfied.

They had perfection, but desired still more!  If Adam and Eve weren’t content, how is it possible for us to cling to such commitment?  Only by allowing God to love our spouse through us.  As we have each received perfect love from the Lord which will never fail; we can trust in the same way He will allow us to love others, our spouse included, far above what we ever thought was possible.  It is a miracle, and one which brings great glory to Him.

If our love doesn’t fail, it is only by His grace at work within us.  Every year as you celebrate your wedding anniversary, remember “it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”  Philippians 2:13.

Now for a quick recap of what we’ve discovered about love as defined in the 1 Corinthians 13:

Love is patient – The Holy Spirit who is perfectly patient with us helps us in our weakness to grow so our marriages become a reflection of Him!

Love is kind – True kindness takes no regard for how it is received; for kindness that is real flows from a heart that longs to please God, not man.  It has no strings attached.

Love does not envy – If I am allowing myself to think envious thoughts, I am NOT loving my husband/wife.  See it.  Admit it.  Confess it.  Repent of it.  And be free from it!  We don’t have to live this way.  Christ has set us free from the bonds of slavery to sin; this includes envy.

Love does not boast – Boasting is a manifestation of pride, and pride concerns itself with self – not others.  We can’t truly love our spouse if we are boasting in our selves and what we’ve done or plan to do.  We must look out for the interests of our spouse – what pleases them, what would serve them.

Love is not rude – Rude behavior is the outflow of a selfish heart.

Love is not arrogant – Arrogance and humility are both undetected by its possessors.  The proof comes from the observations of those who are closest to us.  Only the humble person will ask!

Love does not insist on its own way – I must not insist on my own way, but I must also embrace the way of another.  This can be my spouse’s way, God’s way, or someone else’s way (like cranky babies, unruly toddlers, or rebellious teens).  Love demands that I set aside my own agenda to serve another.

Love is not irritable – God has provided much for me – more than I deserve.  He has done for me that which I could never do for myself – made peace between Him and me.  I will never understand such kindness, such mercy.  As I meditate on this Truth I can feel my irritations taking a back seat to gratefulness.

Love is not resentful – When we choose to love each other the way God ordains, suddenly what mattered before doesn’t matter anymore. We realize we aren’t loving, and it’s easier to let go.  If love is NOT resentful, and if love is NOT a feeling, but a choice we make – then we can choose to change with God’s help.

Love does not rejoice in wrong-doing, but rejoices in the truth – We can easily look at this portion of 1 Corinthians 13 and assume we never rejoice in wrong doing.  But we must take a closer look – dig deeper than the surface. We tend to gloss over things rather than mulling them over and inquiring of God for His help to accurately assess our hearts and what motivates us.

Love bears all things - True love is willing to bear the little things, the big things, the inconvenient things and the unexpected things.  True love bears ALL things – after all, this is what Christ has done for us.  He gave us the most He possibly could – Himself!

Love believes all things – We live in a society that thrives on being critical of everyone!  Let’s go against the flow by choosing to believe the best instead of looking for the worst.  It’s a much more loving way to live – and it glorifies God!

Love hopes all things - We all have areas where change hasn’t happened or any progress we have made is too small to notice.  Yet God has promised to complete the work He’s begun in us.  This applies to our spouse as well!  Don’t give up hope!  As long as we are living and breathing there is always hope for change.

Love endures all things – God made us husband and wife for a purpose.  He has given us all we need to grow in godliness and the ability to endure.  When we do we feel His pleasure and He is glorified.

Love never fails!

Hello.  I am Thatpastorswife and I am a talk-a-holic.

I’m glad I got that off my chest.

It’s true.  I like to talk.  When my handsome husband is working from home, it’s all I can do to stay quiet while he sorts through sermons, books, internet articles, and other resources for sermons and workshop sessions.  I want to tell him what I just saw on TV, how close I am to finishing a project, something funny a friend said on facebook.  I’d like to say that this issue is heightened by the fact that my closest, dearest friends are not around, but I always want to recap with him everything I do with any friends–new, old, close, far.  It’s not a bad thing and it definitely reflects how much I value Mr. Precious in my life.  He’s my best friend.

I wonder how many of us feel the same way about Christ’s companionship.  Do we talk to Him continually?  Do we anxiously anticipate praising Him for what He’s giving us every day?  When we have a great day, do we reflect in prayerful and joyful gratitude with Him?

1 Thessalonians 5.17 says to “pray without ceasing,” and is bookended by admonitions for readers to rejoice always and to always be grateful.  There’s something to be said about regular conversation with God.  This sort of thing reminds us of our closeness to our Creator and provides peace if we are honest during our conversations with Him.

In my upbringing, people took things too far.  When Ephesians 2.2 was read, instead of people realizing that Paul was trying to tell the Church to live without following the sinful passions of the world, they decided to do nothing else that the world did: they didn’t watch television, women didn’t wear pants, etc.  Most people look at those folks as crazy legalists–not sinners, saved by grace and living a life which pleases God.  If we read 1 Thessalonians 5.17 incorrectly, we are bound to look like a bunch of crazies–not His friends, just longing for closeness.

I love my husband and I am honored to be his bride. So I want to talk to him all the time.

I love my Savior and I am honored to be His bride. So I want to talk to Him all the time.

[So, I will n]ever stop praying. -1 Thessalonians 5.17 (NLT)