I want to start with a disclaimer: I don’t have as much time to devote to digging up as much research as I’d like to, but I feel so strongly about this I want to put this information in front of you.

The Cyberbullying Research Center (which has a GREAT website, I strongly encourage you to take a few minutes and browse through all their studies and graphs and otherdata).  Check out their site here:

Here are a few statistics from the CRC that I found especially interesting:

• 20% of all teens report both being victims of cyberbullying as well as being guilty of cyberbullying others!
• Girls are 10% more likely to be victims of cyberbullying
• Girls are 3% more likely to cyberbully others
• The most common form of cyberbullying is posting mean or hurtful comments online.

If you haven’t written my post on Formspring.me, I strongly encourage you to read it and have a conversation with your teenager about the site.  Even if he or she doesn’t have a Formspring page, I’d be shocked if he/she doesn’t have friends with one.  The more I check out various students’ Formspring pages, the more I’m growing in my hatred for cyberbullying.

I remember taking classes in developmental psychology in college while studying to become a youth pastor and hearing a professor say that internally most teenagers are walking around saying “Do you like me?”  I know, that sounds a bit overstated, and it may be – but I’ve found it very helpful in reminding me the importance of consistently communicating “I care about you and accept you.”  Anyone who’s been the parent of a teenager can affirm that especially after an argument or conflict teenagers are quietly asking “Do you STILL like me now?”  Cyberbullying makes this normal aspect of identity-formation that much more difficult and complicated.

So how do I prevent cyberbullying?

• You can’t – but you can minimize it.  Even if your teenager doesn’t have a cell phone or any internet access he can still become the victim of others posting mean things online about him.
• Be proactive in discussing media (especially social networking sites like FaceBook, MySpace, and Formspring) with your son or daughter.  Discuss the potential for cyberbullying and how to respond Christianly if he falls victim to it.
• Consistently and clearly affirm and build up your child’s identity.  Help her value and treasure what makes him different form her peers, so that when others try tearing her down she’s already been built up.
• Be an active listener.  Ask good questions (not accusing questions or leading questions).  Listen more than you speak.  If you son/daughter doesn’t experience you listening to him/her about “meaningless stuff” then why should he expect you to be supportive enough to talk about difficult issues arise?  With Teenagers you don’t prove yourself in crises, but in the monotony of common daily interactions.
• Pray daily and specifically for your son or daughter.  Don’t pray simply for God to shelter them from harm, but for Him to strengthen your children to grow in the love for God and for themselves in the midst of difficult experiences.

This past weekend I caught up with a friend I hadn’t talked to in a long time.  She shared with me the joy her new marriage of two years had brought to her life  and how she wished she had met him years ago!  Because they are older, they realize their time is precious.

I’ll never forget her words as she gripped my arm and said, “We live each day as if it were our last together!”

The sparkle in her eyes revealed her sincerity.

What a good reminder to all of us!

Last Thursday we attended the funeral of a dear friend, not old enough to be my mother.  She died only 4 weeks after being diagnosed with her disease!  Her time was shorter than she knew, yet she spent her last days with no regrets!  She lived each moment for God’s purposes and His kingdom.  Her husband of 31 years, daughter and granddaughter showered her with love, and still she was ready to meet her Savior face to face.

Our marriages are precious!  The time we have together is to reflect God’s love for His church.  But the ultimate reward will be when we meet HIM face to face.  The choices we make, the words we choose and the habits we form are all indications of what’s most important to us.  May we choose those things that will matter for eternity.

As Russell Crowe said in the movie Gladiator, “What we do in life echoes in eternity.” What we do in our marriages matters as well.

A couple of weeks ago we began a discussion about “Words” and the effect they have on our marriage – either for good or bad.  We referenced the verse from  Proverbs 15 that says,  “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Today we offer you wisdom from a man we have had the privilege of hearing in person on several occasions; his name is Paul David Tripp, and he has authored, in our opinion,  one of the best books on the subject, War of Words.   Mr. Tripp speaks in this 3 minute video from another excellent verse that says, “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” Proverbs 10:19.

There is wisdom and maturity in choosing to be silent.  This is a different kind of silence, than giving your spouse the “silent treatment“.  Take a few moments to listen:

God gave parents a huge responsibility. It’s not just that we have to clean, feed, house and tote the children around like luggage, but we must train them in the way they should go. Which can be hard, since often we are not going that way.

I wish now that I had done better for my own. I had a pretty clear picture of what I wanted for them, how I would raise them up in the way they should go, but I gave in to cultural and peer pressure. I wanted an alternative life; I wanted to farm and live without television and worldly culture. I thought it was a good way to bring up children. But it wasn’t long before television, cartoon related toys, and the world in general invaded my organic patch. If I’d had more backbone, I would have resisted. I probably would have run away from the pressure, and done a better job parenting. Hey, sons: Forget the first twenty years, will you, and be good organic farmers, like I meant you to be, okay?

Now, I see the same pattern happening in another generation, perhaps even at a younger age. Why should a twelve-year-old girl be a fashion expert? Who wants to listen to a twelve-year-old tell you what you should be wearing? It gives me the shudders. How narcissistic are we? We seem to need our children to reflect what we want to be, instead of being the people they need us to be. We need to be good, positive, Christian role models, not reflections of television and films.

I am sick to death of the television tie-ins I see on small children. (And some older ones.) No child needs to wear Winnie-the-Pooh and Tigger too on her clothes. Clothes are to protect your body from the elements, not give you an identity and ready-to-wear personality. It’s just the start of brand awareness, of expensive taste, of caring more for things than for people.

I know I wear a sort of uniform that identifies me very prominently as a practicing Christian. It may be a kind of “branding” itself, but that is only because the concept of brand identification exists. Otherwise, the black dress, white cape and apron, and prayer cap would be just my clothes, practical things to cover the body for warmth and modesty. Because we now associate personality with dress, other people make assumptions about me and who I am. Someone who has known me for months, seen me in church and gone to a theatre with me asked if I was mennonite. It rather surprised me, because by now, in those contexts, I would expect to be recognized for who and what I am.

Are we trying to mold our children into mini-mes? The answer I get from grandparents and observers of culture is “yes,” but not in the positive, community-oriented way it used to be done. We don’t fit into the culture the way we might want; we are not rock stars or famous actors. We are ordinary people, doing ordinary things, living in ordinary houses. So why do we want Louis Vuitton handbags, Seven jeans, Chanel perfume? Why do we make up our faces and talk and walk as if we were fabulously wealthy and the ordinary rules of life do not apply?

Why do we then impose those impossible false standards on our children? And at the same time, these children are not developing tastes and personalities and individuality; they become clones of the culture.

One of the principal tasks in raising children is to make them accountable to their own conscience, to the community, and to their Lord. Can we do that if their only sense of accountability is to look fashionable, to be an extension of some designer’s ego, or a clown in cartoon dress?

Doomsday scenarios are very popular in contemporary literature and film, and on television. And that seems strange to me, since most of the people who watch television and films are oblivious to the need to learn how to take care of themselves and the earth. They couldn’t hoe a patch of beets without direct supervision; they couldn’t plan a year’s growing season. Designer clothes will not feed you in the midst of a famine. Truth be told, these people are pretty helpless. Do they all think they will be on Ark 4 when the world comes apart? (I just watched 2012, the movie.)

So what are we teaching our children? If we don’t drop out of the whole consumerist culture, we will be teaching them to be dependent, dependent on someone else’s intelligence, labour and taste; we will teach them that they don’t need to have a personality or ethic of their own. And worst of all, we will teach them that God’s way doesn’t matter.

Divorce & Remarriage Part I

Back to the question if we do divorce (understanding what it creates from the Part I), God’s Word seems to say if you remarry you commit adultery – unless you reunite to your ex-spouse (if they haven’t remarried since the separation) or he/she dies.

Romans 7:3 “So then if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from that law, so that she is no adulteress, though she has married another man.”

This truth may seem tough, that if one divorces then they aren’t to remarry. However, except for the two reasons above, it is better for us and others not to remarry according to God’s Word. The problem is we often don’t seek God’s will but our own. We listen to our own justifications and rationalizations and those around us. We listen to society that says we have to be married to be fulfilled. Yet look at the many unhappy marriages? Perhaps God is right? It is better for some to stay single. Our leaders haven’t helped much either. Many church leaders have followed their own will in regards to divorce and remarriage and therefore reinforce it in their listeners. We let passions rule us instead of God’s will, truth and love. And as long as we are ruled by our will instead of God’s, pain and destruction is what we will create and receive.

Seeing this issue of not remarrying as difficult is looking at it from society’s perspective and giving into its emotional rule in our lives. We need to trust that God’s will is truly better for us and everyone else. And that perhaps we really would be happier and more fulfilled by not remarrying. Who knows what God has in store for us? How He will use us and fulfill us in other ways that satisfy us beyond our imagination? How little we really trust Him. If it is His will and we honor His will, don’t you think He will give us what we need to fulfill it?

Society makes us believe if we don’t remarry we are missing out, but then again society doesn’t lead us to the path of life, but the path of death. Society leads us in so many ways away from God’s truth and will. We have to re-associate our thoughts according to the Word of God. What truly equates to life according to Him?

1 Corinthians 7:39-40 “A wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives; but if her husband dies, she is at liberty to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. But she is happier if she remains as she is, according to my judgment–and I think I also have the Spirit of God.”

Psalm 31:19 “Oh, how great is Your goodness, Which You have laid up for those who fear You, Which You have prepared for those who trust in You In the presence of the sons of men!”

Psalm 112:1 “Praise the Lord! Blessed is the man who fears the Lord, Who delights greatly in His commandments.”

Our deliverance from this growing epidemic of divorce is to heed God’s Word and seek His love. We need true love to choose the right spouse, to love that spouse, and to make the right decisions if divorce occurs. God designed this world to work in a certain way. We need to trust His counsel because He is the only one that truly knows the right answer and He is love. We’ve proven we don’t know it. And if more people realized that they shouldn’t remarry after they divorce, perhaps they would and be slower to marry in the first place and not give up so easily when problems arise, but seek how to live in a fulfilling marriage by the power of God.

Every commandment of God comes down to love. Only He knows what is truly loving in any situation. We need to trust Him at His Word that His truth is best for us and others. 1 Timothy 1:5 “Now the purpose of the commandment is love from a pure heart, from a good conscience, and from sincere faith”. We each need to seek the counsel and wisdom from the Holy Spirit above all others in this area of our life.

If you have been divorced and remarried. What is done is done. Realize it was most likely outside God’s will and move forward in truth and abiding in love in your present marriage. Never underestimate the extent of God’s mercy and love, especially for the choices made in ignorance. God can renew you, your spouse and your marriage as if it was your first marriage and give you a tremendous gift in that mercy. He can make all things new. Psalm 57:10, 2 Corinthians 5:17 And moving forward in future decisions, walk in His truth and will.

The answer to all this mess we’ve created is to focus on seeking God’s Love, abiding in Him and in His Word, and cultivating a deep and real relationship with Him because that changes everything – this is our deliverance from ourselves, which we so desperately need. The best thing you can do for your marriage or if you are single preparing to marry is to cultivate a personal and intimate relationship with God.

Someone referred me to this paper written by John Piper on the issue. He breaks down the Biblical verses related to this topic. I found it very interesting. It is worth the read. Divorce & Remarriage: A Position Paper

Titus 2:4 “that they (older women) admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children,” — We need more admonishing toward love.

Saturday I had the pleasure of teaching a group of students, parents, teachers and faculty from the Miamisburg Christian Academy an introductory session on Social Media. The age range in the group seemed to be about 15 to 50 (plus!). Quite honestly, I didn’t know what I was going in to. I had no idea how many of the group were proficient in social media and how many were novices. I am very comfortable teaching in a corporate environment but this was brand new territory.

CREATING AN ONLINE COMMUNITY — PHASE 1
1. Create a vision. In this case, I pressed them to answer the following question: “What will it look like six months from now if you find yourself very pleased and excited about your social media spaces…what is happening on your Facebook page, your Twitter page…how do you feel about what is happening?” What is your vision for how the online social aspect syncs with the offline social aspect?
2. Make sure you go all the way around the room and get input from the people who are being shy and reserved. Often, they say the most profound things. It was true in this case.
3. Make sure everyone in the group acknowledges who will be the Community Manager. The CM needs help and input, but ultimately they have to drive the ship.
4. Get buy-in from everyone in the group to support and give content to the CM.
5. Be open to the possibility of creating vertical spaces for different age groups or special interests. For example, we went into this thinking about one space on FB, one on Twitter and so on. As the meeting went on, excitement was generated around the idea of creating a uniquely separate space for the students. Why not a special FB page for the Art Department?
6. Walk away. After I saw the excitement levels building, I stepped away and let them talk without me there facilitating (a brilliant move on my part).
7. Give homework and set a date for follow-up. If you don’t establish dates and assignments, the momentum is likely to flatten.

I wish the event had been video-taped. It was electrifying, exciting, energizing. I think the most fun I had was recognizing and revealing that the students are going to be the ones who will rise up and champion the way. I suggested to the parents/teachers/faculty that instead of banishing the use of mobile devices, we have a space during the week — Friday at lunch for example — when we encourage and allow students to text, with guidelines of course. Why not give them a little room to be teenagers. They LOVE to text. Why fight change? Why not work along side them and use technology for good. One person suggested that we create a Facebook page designated JUST for the students. Cheers erupted from the two students who were present.

On the other end of the age spectrum, the adults in the room who were not as comfortable with technology as the younger people were clearly moved and inspired by what they saw and heard. At one point, U! Creative’s President, Ron Campbell, jumped up on a railing and took the photo you see above. Within seconds, it was downloaded and visible in the Facebook stream of one of the attendees. Most of us in social media are used to this kind of happening but it is still a joy to watch the faces of people who are being exposed for the first time.

Stay tuned. Keep an eye on this small, private Christian school. It will truly be interesting to see what they do with the new tools and methods of communication. I see a case study in the making!

MCA on Facebook
MCA on Twitter

Just when I think I’m going to sleep late on a Saturday morning, the Lord wakes me up at 4:00 a.m. and calls me to spend time with him. I’m not complaining though, because these are great times of insight. The Creator of the universe desires a relationship with me…he’s thinking about me even while I sleep….WOW! That’s pretty amazing. God knows me well. He knows that the morning is the best time when I can be still and listen to Him. No one else is up and it’s just Him and me.

So, what does this have to do with parenting? Don’t you think about your kids even while they sleep? Don’t you desire an intimate relationship with them? Don’t you want to communicate to them at the perfect time when they can listen? Then you must take the initiative to create situations that allow you to have this type of relationship. Without your initiative, it will not happen. Spend individual time with each child, doing things that allow you to communicate and build a relationship of trust.

Today, I planned to take Kelli out to breakfast. Just the two of us. We’ll talk about what’s going on, we’ll share things and we’ll laugh and have fun. It’s pretty cool that on the same morning that I intended to spend with one of my children, God chose to spend it with one of his….me.

Remember, be intentional about your relationship with your kids. The time and effort that you put into it is worth it!