We were asked at a seminar one time what we thought we were most passionate about.  Of course, we had our immediate, cut and dry answers, but the challenge that followed is what intrigued us.  The assignment was to go home and ask our children what they thought Mommy and Daddy were most passionate about. Hmm, now that’s taking it to a whole new level – children always tell the truth; how they see it anyways.

We weren’t surprised – their answers didn’t match ours,

But their answers took us completely off guard!

They revealed blind spots – areas we didn’t realize had captured our hearts and possibly our passion.  It was painful to hear, but oh so helpful!

Since then, we listen to what our actions are saying to the little ears around us.   Our children are grown, but we have four young grandchildren.  Bristol, (almost 3) was over today, and I told her about Nana’s Special Chimes…

(You see, Tom bought me Corinthian Bells for our anniversary last year, and each time I hear them chime in the wind I think of Tom’s love for me.)

What a joy it was to have a nice spring day with a gentle breeze blowing softly on my chimes.

“Do you hear Nana’s chimes, Bristol?  Every time they ring they’re saying, ‘Papa loves Nana’.”

Her face lit up as she listened.  What do you have around your house that assures your children that Daddy and Mommy are passionate about each other?  Not sure?  Then, just ask – you might be surprised at what they say!

Quebec wants to ban the wearing of chador and niqab. That is, they want to outlaw women covering their faces.

Most of us are aware that Islamic custom calls for women to be modest, even to the point where they don’t show their faces. Not many Muslim women who live in the West do this. While many practice the headcovering and modesty of hijab, they don’t feel called to cover completely. The government of Quebec, as well as other places, wants to prevent women from covering to the point of anonymity.

Why does the government think they can legislate religious practice and modesty? It’s just none of their business. If I want to go out in public in a hat with a full net veil, are they going to suspect me of plotting sedition? Western women used to veil under certain circumstances – getting married, wearing widow’s weeds (a long black dress, hat and face veil were common until about eighty years ago) and when they travelled in dusty or contagious conditions. A face veil that partially or fully concealed the features was considered fashionable at certain times.

This singling out of Muslim women is nothing but xenophobia. It is prejudice and hostility toward the religious practices of other cultures. There seems to be an assumption that the woman has no choice in this (according to a columnist here in Ontario) and that women do it because their husbands order them to. This shows a fundamental misunderstanding of Islam. Not all Islamic women practice hijab or niqab; not all Islamic men wear the beard or head cover. It is an individual choice. Certainly, some husbands may hypocritically order their wives in hijab or niqab while looking thoroughly Westernized themselves, but that is between the couple and maybe their religious community. Matters of family structure are not public matters unless they cross the line into abuse and violence.

My concern is that those of us who cover in other ways are going to be regarded with suspicion and come under scrutiny. We all look alike to some people, we cover too much of our hair and our bodies; there’s nothing to make us look like individuals. Which is the point. My individuality has nothing to do with my attire, my hair colour, or how much face or ankle I show. It has everything to do with being the person God wants me to be.

Traditional and Plain women need to stand up for their Muslim sisters’ right to choose niqab, the chador, the burkha and hijab. Their rights to religious expression and freedom are just as important as ours. If you want tolerance, you must practice tolerance.

It’s a lot easier to simplify if you are Henry David Thoreau living in a little cabin at Walden Pond, unmarried, no children, a part-time job surveying or doing Dad’s accounting down at the pencil factory. It’s a lot harder to simplify if, like us, you have possessions you now need in another province, money to clear from another country, a two year old to potty-train and the one fully employed priest in the household has to have a wisdom tooth extracted in Holy Week. Oh, and the truck needs to be registered in this province, which means a new inspection certificate since the previous one has now expired.

Did I mention taxes? Yes, taxes.

Some things just have to be done.

They can’t be done simply, they can’t be eliminated. I, for one, am not going to tell Mother Kay that the wisdom tooth will simply have to wait. I’ve had an impacted wisdom tooth and it was so painful that it occupied all the space in the universe.

But, then, having already simplified so much I don’t have to: rearrange someone’s squash lesson, cancel a dinner party, reschedule vacation, or tell the contractor I won’t be available Tuesday for the consultation on the addition to the indoor pool. I won’t be missing any meetings, or disappointing the bridge club. I will simply drive Kay home from the dentist, and pick up the child from the babysitter. The husband will fend for himself. He can even make his own coffee if he must.

I can devote an hour or two to get the truck legalities sorted out, and I’ve already quite simply postponed the trip back East for a week. There are leftovers for supper at least one night this week.

In the meantime, husband will let in the repairman who needs to fix the leak under the sink, and the same repairman can simply handle the front step repair without any further guidance. He knows more about plumbing and masonry than I do, anyway.

I have until the end of April to get the taxes done, and ours are simple. We live simple lives, so simple we don’t have much income.

A young couple we know are concerned about simplifying their lives. They would like to live in an intentional Christian community, having been taken with Shane Claiborne’s writing. I don’t blame them, I am too. But I’m a wee bit older (like older than their parents) and I have some experience in living intentionally.

“It means a change of lifestyle,” I wrote to them. “And everyone has to agree to rules, or it won’t work.”

The change of lifestyle for them will be the loss of recreational shopping, of friends who are not Christian and don’t want to be; and hardest of all, it will probably mean some shock and horror from immediate family. Why would you want to do all this?

Many of us have looked around at the world and we do not like what we see. We see that one cannot follow Christ and live in the world as a worldly person. We may move amongst the worldly, but we have to find ways to go trhough the masses without losing sight of the our Lord. It is not simple. Not at first. At first, when there is so much to give up, it is complex. Our emotions get in the way. Guilt over leaving so much behind can be overwhelming. People we love don’t help us; they judge and even try to hinder us. It would be simpler to give up and turn back.

But that doesn’t work. Turning back, giving up, putting on the three piece suit and tie or the heels and make-up again, will feel so false, so tiresome. We will long for the days of freedom, when we simply followed the way of Jesus Christ.

And how do we do that? Where is that way?

I can say this, simply: You’ll know when you are on the road. You may not know where you are going, but you will know when you get there that it was the right way. It looks different for everyone, even as it looks the same. Simply get started, and go.

A Christian View: Thorn of My Flesh or A Prodigal Child? by Monika Logan, LBSW

I was surprised by the educational passage in my women’s Bible, New International Version (NIV). I was reading scripture and discovered a well known-scholar, Judith Wallerstein’s excerpt by that read, “We’ve seriously underestimated the long-term impact of divorce on children [and]…the numerous ways a child’s experience differ when growing up in a divorced family.” I am blessed as I do not know what it is like to be a child of divorce. I was raised in an intact home. However, I understand what it is like to go through a divorce at a young age with two small children. I also know what it is like to have child rampant with emotions post divorce extending from age four through 16. In addition, I know what it is like to have a kid show a parent the most utter disrespect while an ex-spouse gives kudos for their rude behavior. Lastly, I am keenly aware that Churches frowns upon divorce and that Parental Alienation (PA) is misunderstand .I was taught that God hates divorce (see Malachi 2:16 NIV), but also was taught that God forgives. He is a God of grace and one that allows for second chances.

The idea of divorce does not occur to newly marrying couples. Divorce was also not Gods original intention. God allowed a clause about divorce to be included in the Law of Moses (Deuteronomy 24:1). God wanted to prevent men from dumping their wives for frivolous reasons. Subsequently, I started to wonder about children who dump their parents for frivolous reasons. In some divorces, especially vitriolic divorces, one parent attempts to turn the child against the other parent. The parent desires to wreck havoc on the other parent’s relationship with the child; a few methods include cruel words and the allure of material gifts. Messages made by parents that are perpetual and poisonous produce troubled kids. Eventually, the relentless actions and words of embittered parents pay off. These kids’ discard relationships of once-loved parents and treat their parents as their worst foe. Dr. Richard Warshak (2010), in his book, Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing explains:

This goes far beyond the usual type and amount of criticism and complaints that children heap upon their parents. You will see a degree of contempt and cruelty reserved for one’s worst enemies. The children treat the target parent as unworthy of even the smallest amount of regard and respect. Their obnoxious behavior commonly prompts others to remark that the children are acting like spoiled brats (p.35).

Sadly, many Christian parents whose kids rejected them feel alone in their shame. Many believers fall prey to the idea that good parents always have good kids. They frequently support this standard by one preferred scripture, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6, NIV). Other scriptural lessons are discarded, such as Job and Aaron’s sons as seen in Leviticus 10. What they fail to recognize is the power that an ex-spouse has upon his or her child. This is common knowledge in intact homes, but many a Christian parents forget the power of a parent in a divided home.

Divided homes breeds deception, deceit and disparagement. Common Christian advice is that the parent’s post-divorce should keep the same chores, discipline and rules. This guidance is helpful, but is not applicable to cases of PA. Dr. Warshak points out… “your children are being manipulated to serve as vehicles to express their other parents hostility…” (p.38). Parent’s in these cases do not care about the rejected parent’s wishes or their children’s best interests. It is a form of emotional abuse. Sorrowfully, these parents internalize the actions of their prodigal children and they are frequently judged by other Christians. These children are taught to disrespect their other parent. If a married Christian parent’s teen rebels, they can remove the teen’s cell phone for a week. As a consequence, the behavior normally changes (at least for a while). Last time I removed a cell phone for rude behavior, the child came home with a new-improved cell phone. Clearly, this may leave some parents speechless. As Dr. Warshak notes… “Parent’s are so intent on poising their children’s relationship with the ex that the idea of censoring their disdain for the other parent would never occur to them. They want their children to share their hatred” (p.9). The parent’s also do not want the child to show any respect to the other parent. Undermining the other parent’s authority is only one characteristic of PA.

I hope more in the Christian community takes the time to study and understand Parental Alienation. I realize there are consequences for divorce and that life is not always pleasant. However, PA is emotional abuse. Alienated children often resemble children that are diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (Warshak, 2010, p. 27). These angry, resentful, spiteful and vindictive kids the only difference is that their behavior is towards one parent, not both. I do not think Parental Alienation is the thorn in our flesh (see 2 Corinthians 12:17). Target parents are often humble enough. Parents and children need support, prayer, and love. Prayer is also needed for ex-spouses as many are un-happy and lonely after an un-wanted divorce.

This past weekend we attended Memorial Services for two young men, age 22 and 21 – they were separate services, completely unrelated.  One was held Saturday morning, the other Sunday afternoon.  We also shared dinner with two separate couples whom we have known for decades, and I, (Debi) attended a bridal shower for a dear friend who is getting married this coming Saturday! She has been a single mom for 15 years, and he has never been married.  What a wonder God has done!

These are the moments of our lives when we stop and take notice of what’s most important.

The Bible tells us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice and to weep with those who weep.” We certainly have!  At dinner tonight – one friend told us about a DVD he recently watched of a husband retiring from his long held career in order to care for his wife who had Alzheimer’s Disease.  They had been together for 42 years, and he could think of nothing he would rather do than to care for her in her need as she had so lovingly done their entire marriage.  What love; what devotion!

This is why we blog!

Not so you can check “date night” off your to-do list, but in order to help build marriages that will stand the test of time when life is nearing it’s end.  Our goal here is to prepare our hearts for eternity!  Date nights won’t get us there, only faith in Christ will.  But how we treat our spouse counts, for this is what storing up treasure in Heaven looks like.  God notices when we treat our spouse in a way that represents Him well.  He notices when we sacrifice our wants and desires in order to honor and bless our spouse.

I feel I’m rambling, but honestly it has been an emotionally packed season for us.  In fact, I don’t think we’ll get to what’s happening in Orlando this week!  Maybe with it being Easter the best date would be to spend time together as a couple thanking God for the gift of His Son.  He is the reason we are growing and changing.

It’s all for Him – our lives, our love and our marriage.

And one day we’ll stand before Him reflecting back on our lives, and we pray He will say “Well done my good and faithful servant…enter into the joy of the Lord!”

Our youngest daughter Sarah says some of the funniest things. I’ve decided to write them down as Sarah-isms for the blog. You can go back to previous months and see some others. The latest revolves around our dog. We have a chocolate lab named Hershey. One of the ways that we’ve allowed our girls to make a little extra cash is to pick up “Hershey Bombs” from the yard each weekend. The girls get $1 each time they clean up the yard.

This morning Sarah had to let Hershey outside to do her business and Sandra asked her “what Hershey was doing?” Sarah said “she’s making me some dollars!” When Hershey finished and came back inside, she gave her a big pat and said “Great job Hershey!”

She’s so funny.

The Holy Gospel of John: Chapter 9

The Pharisees were one of the principle religious sects of the Old Testament – during the time of Jesus. They were best known for religious ceremonial-ism, and their self-imposed piety. In other words, they thought they were better than common folk, and looked down their noses at anyone not of their religious party. They believed in immortality, and the resurrection of the body – but they didn’t accept Jesus as the Messiah. Christian husbands who beat their wives are akin to the Pharisees of old – they practice religion, yet lack a true relationship with Jesus Christ.

In John chapter 8, the scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman caught in adultery to Jesus. We can only imagine the terror in this woman’s heart – the penalty for adultery was death by stoning. And here she was placed, “in the center of the court,” absorbing the guilt of her actions, and those of the man with whom she was having illegal relations. Hhhhhmmmm, and where was the other guilty party?

♦

Bringing this woman to Jesus was more of a test. The Pharisees wanted to see whose side He was really on – the Law, or speaking from His own heart. They didn’t understand that He spoke as His Father directed Him to do so, (John 14:10). Which by the way is the same God of Heaven that the Pharisees claimed to worship. The woman was more or less a pawn in their wicked game seeking to accuse Jesus of blasphemy. Our Lord said nothing at first, but kneeled and wrote in the sand. When they pressed Jesus for a reply, He said to the crowd:

“He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” (NASB)

♦

I imagine as the saying goes, “You could hear a pin drop.” For verse 9 says: “When they heard it, they began to go out one by one, beginning with the older ones, and He was left alone, and the woman, where she was, in the center of the court.” Did you notice as the crowd dispersed, the “older ones,” left first? Could it be that since they had lived the longest, their list of un-repented sins was much more extensive? Jesus certainly knew how to prick the heart.

When a Christian husband tells his wife, “God is not pleased with you,” he is taking Pharisee-ism one-step further by standing in judgment over slight infractions, and sentencing his wife to punishment by means of violence and abuse. Nowhere in the Bible will you find scriptures that permit a husband to chastise his wife for any reason. You will find scriptures that admonish husbands to “love their wives,” and give themselves up for them, but never permission to batter and abuse. Please read Ephesians chapter 5.

♦

“The Pharisees laid their chief stress on outward observances, neglecting the weightier matters of the moral law, and the spiritual meaning of their legal ceremonies. Others of them were detestable hypocrites, making their pretences to holiness a cloak for iniquity.” ¹

IN VAIN DO THEY WORSHIP ME

Christian husbands that entrap their wives in violent homes demand “submission,” – while ignoring the umbrella of “submission” that applies to both husband and wife, (Ephesians 5:21). Quite like the Pharisees, abusive husbands poison their own religious principles through invalidation of the Word of God. How? By doing exactly as they please – making up their own rules. Matthew chapter 15 is a very good example.

In this chapter, Jesus was showing the Pharisees what “hypocrites” there were. They were being admonished for violating “the direct commands of God.” He reminded them of God’s fifth commandment to “Honor your father and mother; anyone who reviles his parents must die,” (The Living Bible). Now listen to what the Pharisees say about God’s commandment:

“But you say, ‘Even if your parents are in need, you may give their support money to the church instead.’”

♦

The New American Standard Bible states it this way: “Whatever I have that would help you has been given to God, he is not to honor his father or his mother” (by supporting them). Instead, they gave the support money as an “offering,” or a “gift” to the church.

By not honoring their parents and taking care of them as commanded – if need be – Jesus said, “And by this you invalidated the word of God for the sake of your tradition.” “You hypocrites…”

The man who stands in the pulpit is just as guilty – perhaps more so as any Christian who abuses his spouse – or his household, period! How can the church show the world that Jesus is the Light of the world, the Savior of the world, when domestic violence and abuse are running rampant in the church house? Is it any wonder that the world frowns upon Christianity and wants nothing to do with Jesus Christ? The world will never get it right until the Christian church gets it right. There is no other way.

♦

We as Christians can be hypocrites in many ways. However, once we realize our faults, repent and turn back to God, He will still be willing to love us, and use us for the greater good. Jesus would probably ask the husbands that practice domestic violence, and claim to love Him – “Are you without sin?” Is your worship in vain? Are you following the “precepts of men? Or, are you doing what is “right in your own eyes?” (Deuteronomy 12:8)

If so:

“REPENT! FOR THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN IS AT HAND”

Matthew 3:2

Forsake the Pharisee Syndrome and live.

“Then Jesus again spoke to them, saying, “I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life.”

John 8:12

http://www.spiritual-side-of-domestic-violence.org

¹ http://bible.cc/matthew/3-7.htm

During devotions today I ran across a passage in The Message translation that seemed to stand out in stark contrast against what today’s church (and culture) teaches. It seemed more in line with how CDD couples feel about marriage, with a husband being the Head of House and having authority over his wife, and the wife being careful not to dishonor her husband.

I couldn’t remember ever reading this in the Bible before (and I’ve read the Bible many times), so I looked up the same passage in the NIV, NLT, and CEV translations. All of these seemed to say something almost completely different than The Message – focusing more on a literal covering of the head than a figurative one. Since I don’t know Greek and can’t read the original Scriptures myself, I did the next best thing – I looked up the passage in the Amplified Version. Guess which translation it most closely resembled? You guessed it – it was The Message. So, without further ado, here is the passage that I read via The Message translation. It’s found in 1 Corinthians 11:1-16. Feel free to research it on your own, and leave any discoveries or thoughts you have in the comments!

“All actual authority stems from Christ. In a marriage relationship, there is authority from Christ to husband, and from husband to wife. The authority of Christ is the authority of God. Any man who speaks with God or about God in a way that shows a lack of respect for the authority of Christ, dishonors Christ. In the same way, a wife who speaks with God in a way that shows a lack of respect for the authority of her husband, dishonors her husband. Worse, she dishonors herself—an ugly sight, like a woman with her head shaved. This is basically the origin of these customs we have of women wearing head coverings in worship, while men take their hats off. By these symbolic acts, men and women, who far too often butt heads with each other, submit their “heads” to the Head: God.

“Don’t, by the way, read too much into the differences here between men and women. Neither man nor woman can go it alone or claim priority. Man was created first, as a beautiful shining reflection of God—that is true. But the head on a woman’s body clearly outshines in beauty the head of her “head,” her husband. The first woman came from man, true—but ever since then, every man comes from a woman! And since virtually everything comes from God anyway, let’s quit going through these “who’s first” routines. Don’t you agree there is something naturally powerful in the symbolism—a woman, her beautiful hair reminiscent of angels, praying in adoration; a man, his head bared in reverence, praying in submission? I hope you’re not going to be argumentative about this. All God’s churches see it this way; I don’t want you standing out as an exception.”

‘Till next time…

A Renewed Wife