Even someone without much musical knowledge can hear when someone is singing off key.  It’s like scratching your fingernails down a chalkboard – all you want to do is scream, “STOP!”   How often it can be this way in our marriages.  There are times when no matter what is said, it is misunderstood or taken far too literally, and to continue talking only adds to the tension.  How can harmony be achieved when such discord abounds?

The best action is to stop communicating on a casual level and purpose to set aside time for meaningful, focused conversation.

Oftentimes what’s bothering me when I’m struggling like this has nothing to do with Tom.  If he takes the time to ask me what’s on my mind or what’s troubling me, I can usually open up and discover what’s really taking place in my heart; it could be any number of things that have nothing to do with him.   There have been times when we didn’t purpose to “talk it out”, and ended up missing an opportunity to grow in our communication skills and the discord continued far longer than it needed to.

When instruments are trying to play together in harmony and one is off key, what happens?  The entire orchestra stops and tunes itself to the first violinist.  We must do this as well.   God desires for us to pursue “peace with all men”, which includes our spouse.  We are never at liberty to let our feelings  lash out at our spouse in anger.  God is always providing the right key with which to align our hearts – it’s His Word.  He’s promised that within its pages we can find everything we need for life, health and godliness.  Now that’s sure to produce beautiful harmony in any relationship – especially between husband and wife.

NOTE: If you live in or near the Orlando area – this coming weekend Metro Life Church is hosting a regional marriage retreat titled, Marriage and the Mercy of God.  It will take place Friday evening and Saturday in Metro’s auditorium.  Won’t you consider joining us?  It’s sure to be a marriage-changing time!

I can honestly say it’s true! 

If you want your child to be a reader, then they must see you as a reader.

I was never read as a child, until my soph. year of high school.  Yet, in high school I only read what was expected in class, and never pursued reading until after I finished college.

Now that I am a broke single moma, and can’t be a clothes whore (yup, I said it);  I’ve turned my obsession of buying towards >> books.

I own so many books, my house could be a resale shop!  Well it actually is a library, but I ain’t letting those babies leave the house for too long 

My favorite thing to do now is read, read, and read.

I have a ton of favorites.. and you prob. guessed that one of them is “The Twilight series.”  My new obsession >>> “The Mortal Instruments.”  But I will always have a place in my heart for Jane Austin and Shakespeare.

@ the moment, my heart desires Fantasy novels.. but they have to have a good love story woven in.   I try to read the good old adventure classics to Zuko as much as possible, even though he can’t stand them.

My son, sad to say, has had a thing against chapter books, and still to this day hates “Twilight” as well as everything that comes in the “Twi-hard” package.  I guess he has felt like a Twi-orphan.  Poor Zuko. 

It’s true, I left him with his grandma a few times, so I could head up to WeHo to scream with all the other ‘Twi-hards.  Oh yeah, and the times I went out to see the movies… of course, I did go to matinees while he was at school, to ease his feelings of abandonment.

Anywho,

My excitement being >> he has caught the bug!

The other day, I was slowly rolling up in the “pick-up line” at Zuko’s school, while reading “The Mortal Instruments”

and Zuko’s teacher started laughing…

I guess Zuko was walking to the car with his nose in a book, while I was creeping to the front of the line >> Nose In Book, also.

(TeHee)

It was cute <3

As of yesterday, Zuko finished his 1st chapter book -on his own!  It started out as a book to read for homework, and ended up being his little pastime between class and waiting to be picked up.

I am so very proud of him!  Only 8yrs old!

In my family >> this is a huge accomplishment!

My brothers hate to read, and before 2008, I didn’t give much attention to reading for fun.

I guess Monkey see Monkey do can be a good thing.

I am sure it isn’t much to anyone else, but me coming from a father, who (to this day) can’t read subtitles on a movie; and Zuko coming from a father with dyslexia… all I see is the accomplishment of breaking those generational curses.

I hope now, all those books I bought for him to read, will retire from their job of dust collectors, and become revolving doors to imaginations station…

Sing Yourself  Silly- Through music we can create a home filled with happy noise.
MOPS President Naomi Cramer Overton

Just this weekend, I snickered at the irony of me writing an article about playing vs. doing house. You see, play isn’t really my thing. Me, with three children? Me, with graduate–school deadlines? Me, with the thrill and responsibility of leading MOPS? Me, play???? Ha!

Then, the sound of music—not the movie starring Julie Andrews—but piano notes and bongo drumming—wafted upstairs. I smiled as I realized that by introducing my kids to music, they could now return the favor. They were brightening my spirits in our home.

One way I have found to lighten up when I’m “doing” mothering is to bring in music. And to bring my kids into the musical act as well. Music helps us “play” house.

I started singing to our kids during pregnancy by choosing a song for each child. For firstborn Tyler, I sang of courage with lyrics that echo, “The Lord is my strength … of whom shall I be afraid?” For Delaney, I celebrated her surviving a precarious second trimester with a tune affirming “Love’s been following you.”

Once our kids arrived, we found silly ways to enjoy music together. On grey–mood days, we would clap a wake–up chorus: “This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it! Yay, yay! Hip, hip, hooray!” My husband, Frank, got involved too—gently swaying our eldest as he sang, “TJ do the hula, TJ do the hula, TJ do the hula with … Daadddy.” For the final word, he’d bring TJ close and touch noses. Eventually this caused Tyler and each of his later–born siblings to laugh uproariously.

I managed to teach vowels by creating a sing–song game that began “a–e–i–o …” and then before I’d say “u,” I’d lightly tickle Delaney, and we’d both laughingly say “uuuuuuuuu!!” Often we’d sing, “A friend loves at all times, a friend loves at all times, a friend loves at all times … and I love YOU!”, reinforcing characters traits and biblical concepts such as loyalty to friends and siblings.

Were there barriers? Sure! Our toddlers tested how they could control the music—asking me to stop singing (how’s that for a compliment?), turning the music on screeching loud or drowning out their siblings’ songs. In spite of the hurdles, music centers me in a God who “takes great delight in me, quieting me with his love, and rejoicing over me with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17)

Singing helps me be a better mom and redirects our kids to happier outlooks. And I’ve stuck with music because I find it’s fun—not a “gotta–do–it–to–be–a–good–mom” kind of play. Even a play–challenged mom like I am has kept singing and playing, and my kids have picked up on my passion, too.

When the mood gets heavy at your house this summer, try singing. Get out pots and spoons or make shakers using cups, beans, wax paper and rubber bands. Or, play a CD or download a favorite tune*.

For me, singing is part of joy. It’s part of play. Singing is something we model for our children, no matter how good (or bad) our voices. Through music we can create a home filled with happy noise that strengthens each dweller’s soul.

“You turned my wailing into dancing … and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.” —Psalm 30:11–12

I finally took the Big Step in Plainhood, and bought a beautiful Mennonite cap. I love it, and I didn’t think I would.

I’ve been wearing caps that I sewed myself, which was fine, except they were soft caps, on a seventeenth century design, sort of the ubiquitous European everyone-wears-one-if-you’re-medieval type. It said “headcovering” but it didn’t say front line headcovering, carrying the banner Plain.

With the starched white cap, the cape and apron, the no-button dresses I now have, I am so Plain.

Some of the more critical of you,especially if you can’t imagine giving up jeans, may think I’ve lost my marbles. Some may make snide comments about misplaced historicity and Amish wannabes. Neither is the case.

Since seminary I looked for the right way to dress as a Christian woman that said, “I’m so definitely Christian, you can’t make a mistake.” Well, a nun’s habit wouldn’t do, for obvious reasons. that says that you have taken a very particular vow, which I haven’t taken. But the cap and cape dress say, no vows, just being Christian.

It’s a mistake to think all Plain people must be Amish or Mennonite, or Old Order, or even Anabaptist. There were Conservative Quakers longbefore the Amish came to North America; Plain Catholics have been around for about a hundred years. Veil wearing sisters have been in other denominations for generations now. Plain is Plain, no matter what the church affiliation.

I’ve taken a little flack for attributing saintly qualities, on intimate occasions, to my wife. But I still hold to it. The thing is, it’s easy to look at someone and see their faults. But I don’t think we’re supposed to be thinking less of someone because of their weaknesses, but rather we are to think more of them because of the strength of their repentance.

What I see is my wife remembering her dependence on God, refraining from attack at some cost to herself, when others try to injure her, and asking for others’ wellbeing. I also see all the weaknesses that married people see in each other, and no one outside of that marriage can really understand, though looking in they may think they do. But what is that the fathers have taught us? To see our own failings, not those of others. To say “it is my fault” when there is antagonism, or any time we think we see a frailty – to say “It’s me. I made her stumble”. To count others more worthy than oneself. Isn’t this the struggle most especially pursued in the form of marriage.

I think two things about marriage, more than I think much of anything about it:

1. It’s not the same as a committed “relationship”. You can’t toss in your experience in relationships with that of a marriage. I once thought I could, but marriage, religious marriage, is a form of martyrdom, which is why the crowns are worn during the betrothal. It is not comparable to ‘living together’, ‘dating’, or being in a LTR (long term relationship). A lot of people shacking up may not want to hear that. I really don’t care. It’s so.

2. No marriage is like any other marriage in the things that count. Just like no martyrdom is the same as any other. There’s no guidebook to marriage, seven principles of marriage, or handy dandy handbook to marriage. Which is, again, one of the reasons you don’t get to understand it by merely living together in a committed relationship. To reduce it to sharing a dwelling or to commitment is to fail to understand it altogether, and this is one reason there’s so much advice out there, and most of it is garbage. Marriage understood as a religious mysterium, is beyond reduction to a set of propositions. The way of a particular man with a particular woman is unknowable, incomparable, and without reference in the way of another man with another woman, at its core. Sure, we can get some advice, take a lesson or two, but that’s not really the same thing.  So when people try to say “this is how a marriage is supposed to work”, I just automatically change the intellectual channel. Once the starting place is that marriage is a generic relationship consisting of propositions for success, like building a business plan, I know it’s not my marriage we’re talking about. What you’re left with, in that whole millieu, is marriage products. Something marriage-ish. A heat and eat marriage formula with a full serving of vegetables in every glass. Yeah, right. I’m sure there are many books that married couples have found helpful, but they’re helpful only when they are interpreted, evaluated, and applied within the context of something utterly unique. Which is why some book or seminar or whatever might be excellent for you and crap for us. You just don’t have a point of comparison for our marriage, neither does that author or speaker, and nor does anyone else. And we don’t have a point of reference for your marriage, either. The deep things, the things that truly matter, which we say is salvation by marriage, marriage as a vehicle of union with God, can only be understood on a personal level and from within.

In the same way, we assert that my salvation is not your salvation. In fact, we are so unique that even our sins have never been committed by anyone else, ever. My pride is not your pride. This disturbs those who offer salvation products, salvation heat and eat formulas, and salvation plans, packages, and programs, which are somehow usually intricately connect with either fundraising or private affiliation. Not that I think salvation is possible apart from the Church – to assert that is heresy. But salvation is also ultimately unique – as ultimately unique as each person is. And salvation as the only reason for marriage (it is the only reason), indicates that marriage is also ultimately unique. Or another way of putting it: just as our anthropology insists that all persons are ultimately unique, so our mysteriology must assert that each union of unique persons must likewise be unique. As we are uniquely saved individually, so we are uniquely saved corporately.

Based on these two points, I really don’t take into account other people’s evaluations of my spouse and utilize them as part of my understanding of her. There’s no need. They don’t see when and how she prays. I do. They don’t see how she handles problems that are discussed in the vault of our intimacy. I do. They see only the outcomes of those things, the actions viewed from an external vantage point. A place of more limited understanding. And besides, why take into account the thoughts of someone about your own spouse who isn’t doing what you are supposed to be doing – seeing only their own faults, not hers, seeing only their own weaknesses, and taking hers upon themselves.  Judgment is hypocrisy. And judgement for judgment is ultimate hypocrisy. It is better not to listen. Hear only the inner voice saying “I am at fault. Not the other person. By that person’s prayers save me.”

So what’s the point? Well, just this. The Faith teaches us to prefer one another to ourselves. To deem the other superior. And this doesn’t work if it’s just lip service or illusion. The only road to this is either to understand and acknowledge for real the depth of one’s own sin, or to see the piety at work in the other person, God’s grace abiding on them and in them, as surely it does. Or both. And whether then you are in the inner chamber of confession or the inner chamber of marriage, others cannot quite see what you see.  They may see something similar for similar reasons, indeed – they may deem the other person to be indeed holy – but we only need to concern ourselves with our own vision. The alternative is blindness.

I guess what I’m saying is that in my marriage, I find it beneficial to see my wife’s example, in many ways, and to have it as a point of reference in my own unworthiness. And while I don’t presume to offer anyone marital advice, in which I’m not really a believer, I like the advice of the fathers for all of us, that we venerate one another as the icons of Christ. I find it useful in my marriage. If you find it applicable or useful in yours, kudos. It’s just what I’m thinking about. And I think if my wife were not Orthodox, I would find it just as helpful to see when she is merciful, or just, or peaceable, and recognize this also as impossible except for the uncreated Grace of God sustaining her life as it does all of us. To me, my wife is a Saint, and as we are taught to say of all men, I say of her “by her prayers save me”. What other attitude is right for a married man to have? So naysay all anyone wants, it can only come from outside of a context where it has little relevance. My wife is my icon, and the failings are mine.

One trait that often comes along with Asperger’s is a very [i]literal mind[/i]. In my mind, words tend to correspond to specific concepts, and the construction of a sentence is a lot like the building of a mathematical formula– it’s meant to communicate (usually) one particular thing.

Of course, language is much more complicated than that. Sometimes two completely distinct concepts are represented by the same word. Often, the same word can have different meanings depending on the context of the words around it or the context of the entire conversation. And there are endless ways to play with this capacity for words to mean different things– poetry, metaphor, puns are all possible because of all this. And if the words are spoken out loud, things like vocal inflection and facial expressions can influence the meaning as well.

I think it’s likely that all children get confused about an expression they haven’t heard before, but Asperger’s can make it easier to miss some of the contextual signals that clue people in about what a person means. A manager at CNN who has Asperger’s shared an example of this from her elementary school days:

“In first grade, whenever someone made a mess in the classroom, the teacher would ask a student to get the janitor. The student would come back with Mr. Jones (not really his name), who carried a broom and large folding dustpan. When I was asked to get the janitor, I looked all over the school and reported back to the teacher that I could not find it. After all, the person was Mr. Jones, so the janitor must be the object, right?”

That’s very logical thinking! I have a couple of funny examples of my own literal thought processes from when I was the same age.

Read more

Thoughts, Brief Reflections, Job Search

http://magdalenaperks.wordpress.com/2010/01/23/thoughts-brief-reflections-job-search/

Confessions of an Ex-Carnivore

At the time of this writing I have been a vegan dad for 10 days.

Coming from 25 carnivorous years of conquering beasts and devouring their flesh… it’s not so bad.
(Ok, yeah, that made me sound a little like a zombie, but seriously meals without meat were few and far between.)

I made this decision for 1.) Spiritual reasons, 2.) health and financial reasons, 3.) ethical reasons.
Allow me to explain these reasons.

1.)    Spiritual
No, I do not believe cows are sacred. Or any animal for that matter. Eating only vegetables is not some kind of tenant of my faith. The Apostle Paul from the Bible, speaking of conduct, used eating meat as an example. He said that if eating meat would make another person struggle with their faith then he would never eat meat.

Ren became a vegetarian long before me for health and fitness reasons. We are raising Evelyn as a vegetarian and Meredith will be too when she begins eating real solids. If I get to eat whatever I want while my children must eat something else what kind of message am I sending.

Big deal, you might think. You’re the parent. True. So let’s put it another way. If my children get to eat delicious and healthy vegetables while I scarf down some greasy pork sausage or hack apart some bloody steak what kind of message am I sending?

I very well could frustrate my wife as she cooks for our family, needing to take into consideration my bloodthirstiness. Is it not enough that I’m already allergic to tree-nuts, sunflower seeds and peas? (Yes. I’m genuinely allergic to peas.) I could confuse our children with all the implications of this slight division.  I’m sure the sight of me plopped on the couch with my typical wading pool of ice-cream would make Ren feel super great after a 90 minute spin class.

2.)    Health & Financial
The vegan diet is actually one of the healthiest lifestyles a person could have. The idea that you needed to eat a gram of protein of every pound of your body weight is an ancient idea originating in 1950. Most of the protein we get from servings of meat are way too much and are hard to digest. The protein you get from servings of nuts and grains are just the amount and type of proteins your body thrives on.

Tragically, I am allergic to tree-nuts. This rules out a lot of awesome raw-food recipes. But I can have all the peanuts I want!

In the news, Joe Rollino just died. He was a lifelong vegetarian, never drank and never smoked. In his life, for his bodyweight, he was touted as the world’s strongest man. He died from injuries he received from being struck by a minivan. His age? 104. At his 103 birthday party he could still bend a quarter with his fingers!

If you buy only mainstream generic items for your pantry and fridge it’s not that expensive. If you buy only vegan items and organic products it’s not that bad either. It’s when you blend the two that it begins getting pricey, and that’s where we were living.  So, switching to this lifestyle is going to save my family a lot of money.

3.)    Ethical reasons
I lived my life hunting. I understand the serious nature of taking of an animal’s life so you can eat. I can only remember twice in my life I was deliberately cruel to an animal. Once I was under the bad influence of a friend who was becoming influenced by a very dark and violent culture. The other time I didn’t understand fully what I was doing.

The demand for meat is extremely high. So high; that most slaughter-houses and meat packing plants cannot afford to abide by every regulation from the USDA and OSHA. This turns these industries into breeding grounds for vermin, pestilence and food borne disease. The documented accounts would make anyone’s stomach turn. This is just a result from the nature of our demand being so high.

But what really made me angry were the documented cases of unrestrained animal abuse. And I’m not just talking about poor living conditions or being fed chemicals and hormones. I’m talking about indifferent carelessness, malicious violence, and even debauched conduct towards animals. I’m not a member of PETA, despite that I can recognize heartlessness, cruelty and dark debauchery. Proverbs 12:10 says “The righteous man regards the life of his beast, but the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel.” I wouldn’t want someone with such flagrant disregard within 10 miles of my food.

To sum up, I had way too much light to not live up to.

So… now my adventure has some new twists in the road. It may be rough going at first, but I think I’m going to have a lot of fun living this way. I can’t wait to dig my hands into the soil of the garden we’re planning. And I know I’ll enjoy reaping the benefits of this lifestyle: improved health and stamina, mental clarity and better focus, easier digestion and fresh, risk-free food, leaving a wonderful legacy for my children, their children and all their children after.

I feel like I’m getting in touch with my roots. Hah. Roots! Get it?

Confessions of an Ex-Carnivore

http://mybowsandarrows.wordpress.com/2010/01/22/confessions-of-an-ex-carnivore/

To be Truthful or to be Protective? That is the question facing every couple.

http://presentliving.wordpress.com/2010/01/22/to-be-truthful-or-to-be-protective-that-is-the-question/

Everyday Traditions: Treasuring God in our Traditions Part III

Everyday traditions are those special practices we do regularly that teach our children how to think

http://wstandlea.wordpress.com/2010/01/21/everyday-traditions-treasuring-god-in-our-traditions-part-iii/

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