We know today should be another letter in our Alphabet Date Night series, but we’ve decided to provide a letter of another kind:

To Our Dear Readers,

How can we thank you enough for the way you encourage us in our endeavors to help you in your marriage?  This past year of blogging has been a growing experience for us, and we pray it has been for you as well!  We are amazed at how the Lord has blessed this vision into becoming the reality of a daily blog.  There are times when we’re not sure what to share, but even then, God assures us to continue posting.

As you prepare for your family gathering tomorrow to thank God for all He has done…be sure to set aside time somewhere in the day to personally thank your spouse for the life you share!

We realize how busy everyone is preparing for this special holiday and the joy of sharing extended time with family, so we’ve decided to take a break as well!  Join us next week as we continue cultivating this vineyard for God’s glory!

Finally, as marriage is a beautiful harmony of two lives becoming one, we wanted to bless you with some rich, traditional Thanksgiving harmony.  Enjoy this video as our way of giving thanks to God for you:

God was very, very patient with us, I believe. I finally began to realize that there was no sense crying over not having something God might give us if I just let him. It was a leap of faith for us, though. We equated my husband getting a college degree with money . . . with me staying home . . . with him being a capable provider. I believe this faulty line of thinking is what stood in our way all those years. It was, at the core, a love of money that made us scared of getting blessed with children—and we weren’t even wealthy!

It took my husband a bit longer to make the leap of faith than it took me. That was the most painful part of all for both of us. I prayed and prayed for God to convince him of that of which God had convinced me. After all—I was finally praying for God to bless us with a baby, but it wasn’t going to happen without my husband! The hardest thing for me was to not nag my husband to try to convince him. To remain silent and just pray for him. Once I shared with him all the Scriptures that make plain why Christians ought to accept children from God and not try and prevent God from creating them, I knew it was up to the Holy Spirit to convince him. But that didn’t happen right away; my dear husband still wrestled with his fears about how he’d support a wife and child while still working on his degree. Couldn’t I just wait one more year, he wondered?

How soul-wrenching to finally come the place where you say “yes” to obeying God in an area where you’ve been resisting His will, only to have your longing denied by a husband who’s still saying “no!” How long would I have to wait for God to convince him? Of course, it didn’t dawn on me that it was God whom I had forced to wait for me to be convinced of the quiverfull mindset for the past 5 years. God waited 5 years for me to repent, and I wasn’t willing to wait 5 weeks for my husband to be convinced!

Now I knew that, biblically, nagging him about it was not allowed. I wish I could say I was perfectly obedient in this, but I was not. Some years later, I can see how, even when it seems like a wife’s badgering (whether the badgering is done “gently” or otherwise) turns a husband around to God’s ways, she has still lost. Do we not complain to God that our husbands are not the spiritual leaders of the family the Bible says they should be, and that we wish they would be? How can a wife glorify God by taking the spiritual reigns and strangling her husband with them? Then when he relents and sees the error of his ways, is it because he’s following the lead of the Holy Spirit, or is it because he’s following the lead of his talkative wife? Would we not still wish he had become convinced without our “hints” and our “leading questions?” Yes, we would still disrespect his spiritual authority, because our badgering was already disrespecting his spiritual authority. I believe this is why God gives us I Peter 3:1-2 in particular.

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives—when they see your respectful and pure conduct.”

“Without a word.” That’s the hard part, isn’t it? “Conduct” is completely juxtaposed with speech. Let them hear God’s word on a matter—not our words. Once we share a scripture once—in love and humility, not in a prideful, holier-than-thou attitude—let that be the only word your husband hears from you on the matter. Period. Otherwise, how will you keep your marriage from degrading in status to that of a parent admonishing a child? Let us be our husband’s wives, not their mothers!

I did my share of badgering on the quiverfull issue with my husband—I hope none of you will imitate me in that! When he “came around” after my begging, while I rejoiced, at the same time I immediately felt dissatisfied that he didn’t repent of his unbelief through sheer conviction of the Holy Spirit and only the Holy Spirit. The irony is that in the process of advocating obedience to God’s Word in my family, I was actually dishonoring God’s plan for a wife respecting her husband’s authority—something I claimed allegiance to! See how I shot myself in the foot in the “godly wife” department? After that, it often appeared that my husband never followed God’s lead in a certain area unless I first lead him. I think he gave up trying to be the spiritual leader for awhile. What husband wants to take spiritual leadership on when his wife is always stepping in and pointing the way for him? That is why I’m now trying to discipline myself to remain silent when it appears my husband is not “obedient to the word.” If I want him to take the responsibility to lead us spiritually, then he has to do it because God leads him, not because his wife lead him. That’s how my dear man wants it, anyway, that’s how I want it, and most importantly, that’s how God wants it.

The hierarchy goes like this:

God
Husband
Wife

The wife badgering her husband to obey the scriptures in a certain area disrupts this providential hierarchy, and only frustrates herself and her husband. She repositions herself in the hierarchy so it looks more like this:

God
Wife
Husband

Some husbands will let her do this and just docilely follow her lead (this is when the wife complains that she is the spiritual leader and he just won’t step up), and some will put up a fight against her lead (this is when the wife thinks she “still has a lot of work to do with him”). Either way, the presumably “more spiritual” wife is just shooting herself in the foot.

By the grace of God alone, my husband remains convinced of the Scriptural teaching that children are an unqualified blessing—but this is in spite of me, really.

Here are some gospel-centered family resources to follow up our Sunday sermon on Gospel-centered Parenting. This is a buffet of resources. Just start with a couple. Don’t order everything and try to start all of these rhythms overnight. Start with the Bible and a book and move out from there. And remember, you can’t change your children, only the Spirit of Jesus can, so pray!

Parenting Books

• Gospel-Driven Parenting (Farley) – this book is principle driven, helping parents think through how to bring the gospel into their own lives as parents and into their children’s lives.
• Shepherding A Child’s Heart (Tripp) – this book is more practical in nature, addressing the heart of our child through the various stages of child development. They also have a follow up book, Instructing a Child’s Heart.
• How Children Raise Parents (Allender) – I loved this book and go back to it over and over for personal enrichment as a parent. I use some of Allender’s practices with our children.
• God, Marriage, & Family (Kostenberger) – uber-biblical, with a twist of practical. Great for reference and finer concerns.
• Grace-Based Parenting (Kimmel) – very introductory to gospel-shaped parenting, but good.

Develop Gospel Family Rhythms

• Develop family rhythms around the Gospel. These are predictable times of worship, prayer and Bible reading. Consider doing them around meals, a time when the family should be gathering together free from the distractions of media. We do this at breakfast.
• Don’t isolate the gospel to predictable times. Integrate prayer, worship, and Bible into every day life. Pray on the fly, sing on the fly, read on the fly. When we isolate we program our children for legalism. Show them the gospel in everyday life.

• Read the a good children’s Bible (or this one). Remember to have fun with your children while learning the Bible. Avoid being uber serious and unrealistic expectations. Keep the time brief to hold the small children’s attention.
• Do some Scripture flash cards to do over a meal. If you know of cards with better pictures for small children let me know! Use the verses in context, applying them to everyday life for instruction. Put the verses to music or rhythm. Your child will enjoy singing and clapping.
• Sing Songs together. Teach them songs from CDs, DVDs, and ones you make up along the way.
• Interact with the Book of Questions and Answers. My kids love this book. They ask for it. They enjoy getting to participate in the gospel rhythms, not just listen to stories.

I was listening to a podcast today with Dr. Walt Mueller (Founder & President of CPYU) where he was talking about his experience parenting his own teenage children.  Here’s my summary and re-wording of what he had to say:

The goal of parenting is for your children to learn how to make good, biblical decisions on their own when they’re adults.  In order to do that, they need to know how to think “Christianly.”  That won’t happen on its own, it takes a lot of work.  Here’s what Walt Mueller had to say about how he and his wife approached raising their own kids to think Christianly.

When kids are young, we do all their thinking for them: we dress them, we feed them, we make all sorts of decisions FOR them.  As they get older, they ask for permission for certain things (“Can I go to Johnny’s house to play?”) and we say Yes or No.  We’re given this gift, this opportunity, called “Adolescence” where kids aren’t really “kids” anymore, but they’re not yet “adults” either.  We can’t simply think FOR them anymore, but they’re not ready to think completely on their own either.  This is a time when parents have the great opportunity to think WITH their kids and to MODEL how to think Christianly about life, faith, and the world around you.

Kids who make mistakes while learning how to think Christianly are better off in the long-run than kids who didn’t make any mistakes because they were always told what to think and do.

Walt shared the story about one of his sons coming to him and asking about this new band, Green Day, whom he had heard and liked.  Instead of immediately saying, “No, their lyrics aren’t good for you.  You can’t listen to them.” he gave his son the lyrics to the song his son said he liked and explained t0 him what the song is about.  After that, his son (still in junior high, at the time) clearly saw that this is not a song he should be listening to.

Parents, how are you training your children to think Christianly?  Are you interacting with Youth Culture enough to be able to model Christian thoughtfulness to your teen, or are you too busy to put in that work?  I know it’s difficult and takes time to know what’s going on in your teen’s world, but there are great resources available to you!  Sign up for CPYU’s e-updates to be sent to you via email to keep you up-to-date on what’s going on in Youth Culture.  Also, check out the links on this website to “Youth Culture Window,” “Real World Parents,” “Plugged In,” and especially “Center for Parent/Youth Understanding.”  These are great resources… take advantage of them.

And of course, if you have questions, please ASK ME!!  I guarantee that I do NOT have all the answers, but I might have some, and I might know where to look to find the answers I don’t have.

//

Sunday, November 22, 2009

A Simple Woman’s Daybook~November 23

Join Peggy and read other daybooks here

For Today… Monday, November 23, 2009

Outside my window… I can see the beautiful lights across the AR River in the small town of Dardanelle.

I am thinking… what a wonder week this will be with the family.

I am wearing… new winter pjs. They are lime green with large dogs on the pants.

I am remembering… what a wonderful time I had with my three sisters and Mama in Branson. We made a lot of wonderful memories.

I am creating… a loving, peaceful home.

I am going… to the grocery store today. With list in hand I will choose wonderful things to make for Thanksgiving dinner. I’m in charge of making the dressing this year. I will make it with no help since my son has ask me to.

I am reading… The Language of Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. .

On my mind… Dakota will be here later this morning. Her Mom is bringing her over at 8:30. I’m excited about seeing her. We will have a wonderful day of fun and learning.

From the learning rooms… Your Baby Can Read will be out program for today. Dakota didn’t want to learn last week. I think she will today.

Noticing that… my home needs painting. I hope the fairy painter visits me before Christmas. It will take a miracle to get it done.

Pondering these words… “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. (Psalms 30:5)”

From the kitchen… the smell of coffee is wonderful. I made oatmeal with blueberries for breakfast.

Around the house… needs a lot of love and care. I won’t do housework until Dakota goes home because I want to watch her play. She is such an angel.

One of my favorite things: is eating in good restaurants. Trying different foods.

A few plans for the rest of the week: Thanksgiving at Holly and Jerry Wayne’s home.

From my picture journal…

Adi, JW and Jaxson at Silver Dollar City

Adi and Porscha at Silver Dollar City

at 11:11 PM 15 comments

Over the last several months, Lisa and I have been serving a local couple who have deeply been hurting. A local church sent them to us, and we’ve been fighting for them like crazy. The husband’s affair was ripping the family apart, but through the love of Christ, the wife held on. She loved him even when she wasn’t herself loved by him. She extended the love of her Father to her husband in amazing form and is winning the battle.

Her husband, Rob, is fighting. After a year of obsessing over the other woman, he’s realizing the depravity of his life without Christ. He’s been a slave to his master, the devil, for so long, but the chains are coming off. I heard freedom and peace in his voice for the first time ever last night. I felt like I was talking to a new man.

For all of you who believe your situation can’t be overcome, you are wrong. According to the apostle Paul and my brother-in-Christ, Rob, “We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.” Rob is overcoming. Rob is an overcomer.

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”

Ezekiel 36:26 NIV

This past Sunday, Josh Harris spoke at Metro Life Church on the topic of “Trusting in the Lord” taken from Proverbs 3:5-6.  It was a great message and one worth keeping.  One point that has stayed with us is the verse,  “lean not on your own understanding”.

Josh pointed out the type of leaning the Bible talks about here isn’t a light leaning, but it is an all-your-weight kind of leaning.  It’s leaning so far that if the one on whom you’re leaning were to move you would surely fall.  It’s the kind that makes you feel off balance, and it not only leaves you feeling vulnerable, but uncomfortable.

Tom and I have experienced this type of trouble where all you could do was lean.  What a blessing it was to be able to lean on each other as well as on the Lord.  Although uncomfortable, you know you’re safe.

In these troubled times it’s not surprising if you’re finding yourself off balance.  God is our rock and our refuge, and He alone can support us no matter the trouble.  He will never be shaken.  Why not take some time and talk about this on your next date night.  Ask your spouse how they’re doing, and then, be honest and share the same.

As a bonus, you may want to listen to Josh’s message before your date.  You’ll find it by clicking HERE.

God was very, very patient with us, I believe. I finally began to realize that there was no sense crying over not having something God might give us if I just let him. It was a leap of faith for us, though. We equated my husband getting a college degree with money . . . with me staying home . . . with him being a capable provider. I believe this faulty line of thinking is what stood in our way all those years. It was, at the core, a love of money that made us scared of getting blessed with children—and we weren’t even wealthy!

It took my husband a bit longer to make the leap of faith than it took me. That was the most painful part of all for both of us. I prayed and prayed for God to convince him of that of which God had convinced me. After all—I was finally praying for God to bless us with a baby, but it wasn’t going to happen without my husband! The hardest thing for me was to not nag my husband to try to convince him. To remain silent and just pray for him. Once I shared with him all the Scriptures that make plain why Christians ought to accept children from God and not try and prevent God from creating them, I knew it was up to the Holy Spirit to convince him. But that didn’t happen right away; my dear husband still wrestled with his fears about how he’d support a wife and child while still working on his degree. Couldn’t I just wait one more year, he wondered?

How soul-wrenching to finally come the place where you say “yes” to obeying God in an area where you’ve been resisting His will, only to have your longing denied by a husband who’s still saying “no!” How long would I have to wait for God to convince him? Of course, it didn’t dawn on me that it was God whom I had forced to wait for me to be convinced of the quiverfull mindset for the past 5 years. God waited 5 years for me to repent, and I wasn’t willing to wait 5 weeks for my husband to be convinced!

Now I knew that, biblically, nagging him about it was not allowed. I wish I could say I was perfectly obedient in this, but I was not. Some years later, I can see how, even when it seems like a wife’s badgering (whether the badgering is done “gently” or otherwise) turns a husband around to God’s ways, she has still lost. Do we not complain to God that our husbands are not the spiritual leaders of the family the Bible says they should be, and that we wish they would be? How can a wife glorify God by taking the spiritual reigns and strangling her husband with them? Then when he relents and sees the error of his ways, is it because he’s following the lead of the Holy Spirit, or is it because he’s following the lead of his talkative wife? Would we not still wish he had become convinced without our “hints” and our “leading questions?” Yes, we would still disrespect his spiritual authority, because our badgering was already disrespecting his spiritual authority. I believe this is why God gives us I Peter 3:1-2 in particular.

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives—when they see your respectful and pure conduct.”

“Without a word.” That’s the hard part, isn’t it? “Conduct” is completely juxtaposed with speech. Let them hear God’s word on a matter—not our words. Once we share a scripture once—in love and humility, not in a prideful, holier-than-thou attitude—let that be the only word your husband hears from you on the matter. Period. Otherwise, how will you keep your marriage from degrading in status to that of a parent admonishing a child? Let us be our husband’s wives, not their mothers!

I did my share of badgering on the quiverfull issue with my husband—I hope none of you will imitate me in that! When he “came around” after my begging, while I rejoiced, at the same time I immediately felt dissatisfied that he didn’t repent of his unbelief through sheer conviction of the Holy Spirit and only the Holy Spirit. The irony is that in the process of advocating obedience to God’s Word in my family, I was actually dishonoring God’s plan for a wife respecting her husband’s authority—something I claimed allegiance to! See how I shot myself in the foot in the “godly wife” department? Since then, it often appeared that my husband never followed God’s lead in a certain area unless I first lead him. I think he gave up trying to be the spiritual leader for awhile. What husband wants to take spiritual leadership on when his wife is always stepping in and pointing the way for him? That is why I’m now trying to discipline myself to remain silent when it appears my husband is not “obedient to the word.” If I want him to take the responsibility to lead us spiritually, then he has to do it because God leads him, not because his wife lead him. That’s how my dear man wants it, anyway, that’s how I want it, and most importantly, that’s how God wants it.

The hierarchy goes like this:

God
Husband
Wife

The wife badgering her husband to obey the scriptures in a certain area disrupts this providential hierarchy, and only frustrates herself and her husband. She repositions herself in the hierarchy so it looks more like this:

God
Wife
Husband

Some husbands will let her do this and just docilely follow her lead (this is when the wife complains that she is the spiritual leader and he just won’t step up), and some will put up a fight against her lead (this is when the wife thinks she “still has a lot of work to do with him”). Either way, the presumably “more spiritual” wife is just shooting herself in the foot.

By the grace of God alone, my husband remains convinced of the Scriptural teaching that children are an unqualified blessing—but this is in spite of me, really.