When my daughter was very small, she had a favorite song she would sing, very loudly, often for hours at a time.

 This song is one most, if not all, of us know very well. “The Itsy Bitsy Spider”. Just mentioning the song has many of you singing it right now.

 Like many children, my daughter, when she was first learning the song, replaced some of the correct words she could not remember, with something else so she could continue the song.

 In her case she added the words “whumpa whumpa”. Here is how it went:

 “The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.

Down came the rain and washed the spider out.

Out came the sun and dried up all the rain.

And the whumpa whumpa spider went up the water spout

Down came the rain…..”

The effect of this addition was, it created a closed loop that never reached an ending. On long road trips, this became quite annoying for her brothers who had to sit in the back seat and hear the never ending song. Eventually, eliciting a desperate plea to “make her stop!”

It’s funny how we now look back and cherish some of the annoying things our children do because it is part of what has made them uniquely who they are today.

As fathers we sometimes add a “whumpa whumpa” to how we live our lives.

Physically, emotionally, and spiritually we add a “whumpa whumpa” and get locked into a never ending loop of responses, actions, reactions, thoughts, and etc. This “whumpa whumpa” causes those around us, as well as us, to become frustrated with the way our lives are going.

We keep doing the same things over and over without seeing any change in our lives. In fact, like the siblings in the back seat on a long road trip, we find ourselves digressing into destructive or argumentative behavior and not growing in a positive way.

Many of the American Indian tribes believed that life is a great spiral beginning at birth and ending in the afterlife joined with the Great Spirit. The expectation was always that what you see today you will see again in the future. The trick is that as you complete each circle, in life, you should not be seeing things from the same perspective. You must see things from a higher vantage point or you are not moving closer to the Great Spirit.

If we use our Father God as our example of perfect fatherhood, we will find ourselves constantly searching for new pearls of wisdom to become better fathers. As we seek we will learn more about our Father God and be drawn closer to Him.  Thus we will spiral ever closer and as we complete each circle in life, we will see the past in a different way,

Like when we look back on the annoying actions of our children and cherish them as part of what makes them uniquely who they are, we will be able to look at the things we face today and cherish them, no matter how bad they seem today, as what is forming us into better fathers who are more aligned with the perfect Father God.

Do not allow the “whumpa whumpa”, in your life’s moments, to lock you into a never ending loop of immature fatherhood.

Break free and climb the water spout again.

En Servicio Como Padre

Dave

Over the next four weeks, Austin City Life will be considering what it means to be truly human in our gender, marriage, and family.

We are all broken. This really hits home when we consider our struggles with sexuality, dating, marriage, and parenting. In this series, we will attempt to show how our broken manhood and womanhood can be restored through the gospel of Christ. The great hope of the gospel is that we can recover our true humanity and become the men, women, couples, and families that God intended. When this happens, we become more of a renewing presence, strengthening the social fabric of families and the city. Four messages in the month of November:

• Renewing Manliness
• Renewing Femininity
• Renewing Marriage
• Renewing Family

[Before beginning today's post, I would like to point you to a site with a good plan for helping you read through the Bible in a year: bible-daily.org. There are some excellent posts there, as well.]

“Dad, can we go play in the youth building?” Billy (aged 12) asked his father, during a break between speakers.

“I’m sorry, son,” said Billy’s father. “We’re here to strengthen our faith in the Lord, and to learn from God’s Word.”

“But, Dad, we’ve been here for hours. We’ve sung, we’ve prayed, we’ve heard preaching. I’m bored with this conference.”

“Well, let me ask you something,” Billy’s father said. “Are you a ‘Christian?’”

“Yes.”

“Who are Christians supposed to act like?”

Billy thought for a moment. “Christ… Jesus.”

“That’s right, son. Now, I want you to read Luke Chapter 2, and tell me what Jesus was interested in doing at age 12.”

Does this exchange between a father and son sound familiar to us today? It probably doesn’t, but it should. If we profess Christ, then His life must be our example for Christian living.

Now his parents went to Jerusalem every year at the feast of the passover. And when he was twelve years old, they went up to Jerusalem after the custom of the feast. And when they had fulfilled the days, as they returned, the child Jesus tarried behind in Jerusalem; and Joseph and his mother knew not of it. But they, supposing him to have been in the company, went a day’s journey; and they sought him among their kinsfolk and acquaintance. And when they found him not, they turned back again to Jerusalem, seeking him. And it came to pass, that after three days they found him in the temple, sitting in the midst of the doctors, both hearing them, and asking them questions.

Luke 2:41-46

Jesus Christ, approaching what this world calls His “teen years,” was not interested in vain amusements, dabbling in youthful sin, or filthy entertainment. They did not have Guitar Hero for XBox in His day, but if they had, you can believe He wouldn’t have played it in the synagogue.

Our Lord’s affections were set on sitting in the house of God, among the elders of the church, listening to the Word of His Father.

              I was listening to a talk radio show on my way to work this morning; and they were discussing an article about the dangers of Halloween published by one of the contributors at CBN.com – it included claims that Halloween has no basis as a real holiday only the kind of vile pagan ritualism we should associate with human sacrifice, that Halloween is a covert attempt by Satanists to ruin the minds of young children, and that witches working at candy corporations have “laced” Halloween candy with “time release” curses.  I thought long and hard about launching into a sugar induced tirade about the idiocy of Christian Fundamentalists that want to ruin the holiday season with their asinine “historical proof” that modern holidays are all rooted in paganism and therefore constitute some form of witchcraft or idolatry while wearing my custom fit prosthetic vampire fangs and a cheap, pre-packaged, Wal-Mart brand Harry Potter costume made out of nylon.  However, something more interesting happened today, and I think the group would be better served to discuss something else (though, I certainly hope someone takes up the clarion call to mock wacko fundamentalism of any brand – and especially of the Pat Robertson brand during the holidays).

                I was approached by a young man wanting advice about relationships today.  I frequently get approached by young couples in their early twenties and late teens asking for advice about their relationship.  There was nothing particularly unique about today’s experience.  Both the young man and his significant other have supportive, Christian families that want the best for their children.  Both of them are reasonably mature for their age.  Both of them are getting the same advice from their parents that ultimately sends every couple my way.  Their parents want them to break up after high school, go to different colleges, and try meeting new people before they commit to one another.

                I have never contradicted the authority of parents (nor will I ever), no matter the age of the people asking.  Consequently, this conversation always goes the same way.  I address what I perceive to be the fear of their parents.  We talk, instead, about what makes marriage successful.  I am going to share the essential elements of that conversation with you, dear reader, because I’d love to hear what other wisdom is available…AND, because I have never once had this conversation and not left contemplating the health of my own relationships.  So, here is an outline of what I discuss with these young couples (yes, it happens so often I have an outline):

1. Let’s validate the concerns of your parents: the institution of marriage is in a critical state; a person’s maturity has, at least some, corollary relationship to their age; choosing a spouse is one of the most important decisions of your life, and too often people want to make that decision independent of their families.
2. Anyone who is in a relationship (marriage or otherwise) in order to get something out of it for themselves is going to fail at that relationship.  We don’t thrive in communities when we are only out to satisfy our own needs.
3. Most people who are trying to get something selfish out of a romantic relationship do not have a fully developed sense of self or independence.  Which certainly is not to say that we do not all continue to grow into our own identities and independence, but someone who needs a relationship to validate who they are is probably not going to succeed in a marriage.

(Here’s the important one)

4. Relationships are successful when those involved in them understand what it means to genuinely receive benefit from serving the other person.  When we are finally able to see that it is fulfilling to serve the needs of another person, and can see the benefit of sacrificing for those we love, we are probably able to have a healthy marriage.  In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that all failed marriages got that way because one or both of the people involved quit looking out for the best interest of the other person and started worrying about pleasing themselves first.
5. Do you understand and appreciate that you are entering into a relationship with that other person’s entire family (in the case of romantic relationships)?  I have said repeatedly, “you are not just marrying that person – you are marrying their entire family.”  Do the families of those involved in a relationship get along?  Are they prepared to deal with the stress of having family members that will not approve of or support their relationship?  Can you serve and sacrifice for your significant other’s family in the same way you are devoted to serving your significant other?
6. If you’re considering a relationship with someone, why?  Do you understand the rich personal fulfillment of raising and sacrificing for a family?  Do you understand what it means to enter into a covenant with another human being?  Interestingly enough, most of these young couples do indeed understand what real love means, and they have it.

Last night Parent-Teacher Conferences were held at the Junior High where my daughters both attend school.  Both of my girls earned great grades, all A’s and one B for both, and are reportedly “a joy to have in class, helpful, ask great questions, and are dependable and hard working.”  Both of my girls were also lightly teased by their teachers for talking “just a little” too much.  Hmmmm… imagine that?  It was one of those nights where I was so proud to be their mom!   All in all it was a great night, but despite their glowing reports I didn’t leave the school without heavy concern.

The order of the night was to meet each teacher and discuss the progress and concerns of our students.  Teachers were seated at their own tables and in typical arena style parents took turns having their individual meetings.  Since there are few concerns about the girls’ academic progress, I decided to take the time to ask each teacher for more specifics about the content of the classes that my daughters take from them.  It was an interesting view into the world of today’s 7^th and 8^th graders.

It was at one of these tables, with a teacher that was new to our school this year, and seemingly new to her teaching career, that all of my internal sirens started wailing.  It wasn’t her fault.  The phrase “Don’t shoot the messenger” comes to mind here.  She teaches my oldest in a class called Framework for 21^st Century Learning.  This class title has intrigued me and I have been curious about what content the teacher is going cover.  As I learned last night, the class covers a lot of basic life skills like balancing a budget, how to manage debt, and write a resume.  It was when she began talking about writing resumes with 8^th graders that my “lizard brain” began twitching.  The earnest young teacher began explaining about the variety of aptitude tests that my daughter was taking in class and how after taking all of these tests my 14 year old daughter would be prepared to enter high school with a very good sense of what classes she should be taking to prepare her for her future career or further education.  It was all I could do to keep my emotions from totally popping on this well-intentioned teacher.  Ahhh, she had no idea who she was talking to!  Let me give you a little back-story…

I grew up in a very traditional (even though it was “blended”) family in an age where the times for women, well, they were a-changin’.    My mom went to a year of community college until she married my father, whom she had met the first week of school.  I was born literally 9 months after their wedding, and my brother almost 2 years after that.  On occasion she took jobs to supplement the family income, but they were certainly not considered a career.  My parents divorced, and for the brief time mom was single she worked a J-O-B to put food on the table.  After she married my dad she was a full time stay at home mom until I was a senior in high school.  My dad was a 3^rd generation paper mill worker.  He was a faithful and reliable union employee who put in a very respectable 40 sum years.  He once corrected me when I referred to his job as a career.   It was a job, and nothing more.

I was a young girl coming of age in the 1980s, an era when women were entering the work force in record number.  The opportunities that a college education could afford me were exciting and I had dreams of  ‘having it all’.   Title 9, Rowe Vs Wade, the Feminist Movement, like it or not ladies, we were the children born of that labor.   Despite this, it wasn’t all ‘Woman Power’ on the home front.  Now, I want to be clear that the home I grew up in was not an oppressive environment for women, there were just not a lot of opportunities for exposure to what was really out there.  As I prepared to enter college I was excited to one day pursue a career and I think my parents, particularly my mom, were excited too.  Although they never said such a thing, it felt like the acceptable career choices were for a woman to be either a teacher or a nurse.

Since I was the weak stomach type, I was forever being encouraged to become a teacher.  I have great respect and admiration for teachers.  In many ways I see myself as a teacher.   I loved the coursework for my Human Development degree, but being a teacher in the formal sense of the word was a career I quickly ruled out once I became a student at Warner Pacific College.  It took me at least a year to divulge that information to my parents.  They handled it well, but I was constantly being asked what I was going to “do” with my Human Development degree, and honestly I didn’t have a clue.

I was discovering that College was a perplexing environment!  On the one hand I was attending a Liberal Arts College exploring Human Development through the lens of an institution that heavily engaged the Humanities.  This was an environment where I was discovering and exploring all sorts of things about people and life in general, the Human Condition and the correlations between all disciplines.  On the other hand I was learning that College is not Vocational School.   I was learning to be a thinker and not do a specific skill.  This was confusing to me.   I had come to College with the preconceived notion that much more of the latter would be happening. The focus was about who I would be, not what I would do.   I have come to understand and believe this is so much more important.   I am forever grateful for that experience because it has irrevocably changed who I am.  It now really bothers me on a guttural level that as a society we place such a high value on doing and not being.

So this is the place I was coming from when I met my daughter’s fresh-faced teacher across that table.  As we spoke I could see the chasm of differing opinion opening up between us.  She began to explain to me that after each student had taken all 6 of these aptitude tests they would have a direction on which to plan their high school career.  Seriously.  From the tests of 13 to 14 year old 8^th graders.  Don’t get me wrong.  I think aptitude testing can be a valuable tool for identifying interests and talents in specific areas for people who have had a wide exposure to various experiences.  When I was the same age as my daughter I was certainly not prepared to take tests that would gage talent and ability, and future success in specific areas.   These test that are being taken while she is still in Junior High could affect the trajectory of her educational career!  Furthermore, I would have to say that I don’t think aptitude testing should be the focus of educating kids this age anyway!  Shouldn’t they be allowed to explore, discover, and (dare I say) mature a little bit before they are shoved into the press that will sieve out any creativity, or desires to experiment with something new?

I guess this is what happens when society has a system in place where it is of utmost importance for each one of us to become the sharpest cogs in the wheel, when it is most important to be very knowledgeable and smart about one certain thing in a very quantifiable way.  Science is like that, math is like that, philosophy, character, and thoughtfulness are not, but it does not make their discipline any less valuable.  I shudder to think of our community, our nation, and our world without all of those things.  All of those things work together to bring out the best in all of us.

Somewhere along the way I once heard someone described as being “An inch wide and a mile deep.”  I when we become so focused on only the things that we are good at or have a natural aptitude for we loose creative problem solving skills, we loose patience for those who don’t think the same way we do, and we become myopic and ego centric in our views.  We become an inch wide and a mile deep. That’s not the hope I have for my children’s education.  Quite frankly it isn’t the hope I have for anyone’s child.  When we put kids into a funnel that drains into a specific bottle we limit their exposure to so many things and we change who they can become.  I see this as such a colossal tragedy.  It’s a big world out there, shouldn’t they have more than a short 14 or so years to find their place in it?  Shouldn’t we be more concerned about who they will be than what they will do?  I sure think so.

Parents, here’s a great article on “Keeping up With Youth Culture” by Jim Liebelt.  I really encourage you to take 5 minutes and read it… as always, please share your thoughts as a comment on this post.

We came across this quote that is in true C.S. Lewis form.  Are you growing in your ability to swim or are you longing for the thrills you had paddling as a boy?

Swim!

“People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on ‘being in love’ forever. As a result, when they find they are not [which they judge mainly by the feelings], they think this proves they have made a mistake and are entitled to a change – not realising that, when they have changed, the glamour will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one… Let the thrill go – let it die away – go on through that period of death into the quieter interest and happiness that follow – and you will find that you live in a world of new thrills all the time [the true love kind]. But if you decide to make thrills your regular diet and try to prolong them artificially, they will get weaker and weaker, and fewer and fewer, and you will be a bored, disillusioned old man for the rest of your life… It is much better fun to learn how to swim than to go on endlessly (and hopelessly) trying to get back the feeling you had when you first went paddling as a boy.”

C. S. Lewis, Unknown

What kind of example are you setting?