Fornication vs Adultery

³The Pharisees also came unto Him , tempting Him, and saying unto Him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?
⁴And He answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that He which made them at the beginning made them male and female,
⁵And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain (two) shall be one flesh?
⁶Wherefore they are no more twain (two), but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
⁷They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?
⁸He (Jesus) saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.
⁹And I (Jesus) say unto you, Whosoever shall put away (divorce) his wife, except it be for fornication*, and shall marry another, committeth adultery*: and whoso marrieth her which is put away (divorced) doth commit adultery.

(Matthew 19:3-9 KJV)

*vs 9: two very different words with two very different meanings explained throughout

Brief Background

I hope that you will be able to comprehend what I am getting ready to convey below as this is a very deep subject that I have only begun to scratch the surface of — as God in His merciful grace allows me to grasp HIS intention for the Married.

Before we begin: Father I ask You in the Name of Jesus, the Name above all Names – to impart to each of us Your Holy Spirit Who alone guides us into all Truth and understanding. I ask that the spiritual eyes and ears of those reading this be opened to YOUR Word. Speak to their heart and their mind. Bind the enemy who would come against the one reading this, the one who would need to hear this. Be a hedge of protection around them Lord and keep their spirits in your care. In Jesus’ Name I ask it. Amen

All of us in this society have been raised to believe in the disposable convenience of everything — including Marriage. I believed in the tragedy of divorce and remarriage. I am an adult child from a divorced home and all four of the children in my immediate family are now divorced. Two of them remarried, one divorced twice. Believing in the lie of REmarriage, I thought I was free to be on the way to a new relationship after my divorce until God rained down HIS Truth in my heart. I had been seeking God for what HE wanted me to do because I didn’t want to ever go through that again. It hurt way too much — almost as if I had been torn in two. It was difficult at the time but I had to back out of that relationship — and have for the last two years since then been standing for the restoration and reconciliation of my one-flesh Covenant Marriage… I had become a Stander before I knew what standing in the gap was all about. I have been called by God to stand in the gap.

Some think I’m crazy – even my Beloved Spouse – but I can tell you, if God hadn’t put the brakes on me, I wouldn’t be here typing these words at this moment. If it weren’t a serious call on my life, I would not be sitting here two years later still praying for the restoration and reconciliation of my Marriage. And I probably wouldn’t be praying for the salvation of my Beloved Spouse. I once thought he was saved but I’m not sure — so I cover my bases and cover him in prayer. If it weren’t of God, I would be long gone living the lie of the enemy of my soul… Though I loved my Spouse so very much when we divorced, we both hurt each other so with the things we did and even the things we didn’t do. I saw no other option — and taking the advice and opinions of others over that of God and His Word didn’t help. Too many serious misunderstandings but more than anything I came to see my Beloved Spouse as the enemy (a lie from the pit of hell). – I lost hope. I lost faith. I lost everything. But God has taken all that and HE, no one else, has given it back to me – along with a renewed unconditional love for my Covenant Spouse. GOD gave that to me. It came out of nowhere. It had to. Everything was as good as dead. But it’s not…. God said so. Since then I have studied and prayed. God is faithful to a sincere cry to know Him and His Truth. If we are truly seeking HIM, He promises to lead us into ALL Truth and understanding. He has…

I hope that bit of background will help you understand where this blog site is coming from.

I do not pretend to know it all with reference to this subject, but I do know that God does not contradict Himself in His Word. If we don’t understand what He says or just plain don’t want to believe what He says, that does not make what He says any less true or less relevant to our lives. In the end, we will all stand before God and be judged by what He says. We will stand accountable. Count on it.

Know this: Above all else the Commands and Laws of God SUPERCEDE the laws of man. Not one of man’s laws can stand eternally in the Face of God Who decrees ALL things. A divorced couple is divorced ONLY with regard to the law of man. GOD did not ordain divorce and HE has declared that they are ONE in flesh until DEATH and that they are NOT to remarry another person UNLESS their Covenant Spouse dies. Death is the ONLY thing that can break a Covenant Vow WITH God! If they do fly in the face of God and remarry, they live in a perpetual state of sinful adultery. God says adulterers will not inherit the Kingdom of Heaven.…….

Definitions…

In the Scriptures above, you will see that I have underlined the words “fornication” and “adultery.” If they weren’t two very different words, God would not have spoken them differently and they wouldn’t be written. Some versions have errantly used the word “adultery” in both places. This is not correct according to the original language. 

Adultery – (Greek: Moichao) Illicit intimate sexual relations with another person whereby at least one offender is currently married. Even if the other partner is not married, that person still commits adultery with the one who is married. All it takes is one person within the relationship to be married.

Fornication – (Greek: Porneia) Porneia comes from the Greek root word porneuo. Illicit sexual relations between two people who are NOT married (to each other or anyone else ever). These are SINGLE never-married people. The relationship is illicit because God ordains sex within the confines of Marriage. There is also the Spiritual metaphor (i.e., idolatry).

• Porneuo comes from porne (femine) — which means a woman who sells her body for sexual uses; a prostitute, whore, harlot (one who yields herself to defilement for the sake of gain). Again, there is the Spiritual implications as well (i.e., Babylon; Rome).
• Pornos = The masculine form; is a man who prostitutes his body to another’s lust for hire; a man who participates in unlawful sexual intercourse; whoremonger; a fornicator.
• The word pornos interestingly enough comes from piprasko which means to sell, as into slavery. The Spiritual metaphor indicates that one is selling themselves as a slave to sin. They are wholly controlled and given unto and love sinning. They sell themselves into another’s will…

What an awful word…

Who Are The Unmarried in Scripture?

The question is often asked, “Who are the Unmarried?” It is said the unmarried includes the following:

1. Virgins (Never been married)
2. Divorced (Formerly married, but currently “single”)
3. Widowed (Formerly married, but spouse is deceased)

Number 2 above is a doctrinal issue and one that is open to a lot of liberal misinterpretation with regard to man-made tradition — not to mention mistakes in the interpretation’s accuracy with regard to the Hebrew and Greek languages. If the Scriptures above were the only Scriptures written on the subject, that would still be enough to make it clear that one who is divorced is NOT single being free to remarry!

The divorced individual is not “single.” Marriage is a one-flesh Covenant relationship between two people – but more importantly it represents and is a type of salvation (reference Ephesians 5:21-32). Human Marriage represents the relationship between Christ and His Church (the Bridegroom and the Bride). Yes, the Marriage Covenant can be seriously abused — just as our relationship with Christ can be abused. We use the term “broken” but it cannot be broken any more than our Covenant relationship with Christ can be broken — but it can be harmed. A Father/child (God/us) relationship is a forever relationship regardless whether the two speak. It is so by the virtue of the Blood — be it Spiritual Blood or physical blood. However, where the one-flesh Covenant relationship is abused is where grace and mercy are applied — as is with Christ and His backward and wayward children.

The Husband and Wife are One just as we are One with the Lord (in eternal salvation). Because of the oneness, neither has authority over their own body but it belongs to the other (cf I Corinthians 7:4). The two are Spiritually and physically inseparable. The one complements the other and is in fact One in the realm of Spiritual implication — realizing that the two are individuals within the physical realm.

Here is an example of another set of Scriptures taken out of context and used as a “biblical justification” to remarry. Very wrong. An example of attributing the UNMARRIED as being the DIVORCED:

⁸ But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I.

 ⁹ But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

(I Corinthians 7:8-9 NASB)

Folks misinterpret the UNMARRIED here as being or including the divorced. Paul is not speaking of the unmarried here as solely being those who are divorced. Paul is speaking only to people who are free to marry — not REmarry…

The Greek word for “unmarried” in verse 8 is agamos. It means “unmarried, single, unwedded.” 

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:34 –

• “There is difference [also] between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman (agamos) careth for the things of the Lord….”

Obviously here, the “unmarried woman” Paul speaks about references the virgin previously mentioned.

As a side note of interest: Paul was not married. He never had been married. The word he used reflected his own personal condition and status (“…it is good for them if they abide even as I.”) It stands to reason that he is not referring to those that are “divorced.” And Paul was a prior Pharisee to the hilt! In reading his own account of his life, he was without fault (in as much as the law could allow).

My point is that you cannot rightly interpret the word here rendered agamos (unmarried) as being of the divorced when it applies to those who have never been married.

Man-made Laws

Moses allowed divorce because of the hardness of men’s hearts. In Moses’ time, women were a commodity. They were not treated as an equal, life-long loving mate and companion. Men were divorcing their wives as people buy and discard shoes. However, from the beginning it was not so. Some use the excuse of God divorcing Israel as an entitlement to divorce. God issued a SPIRITUAL bill of divorcement to Israel for their spiritual harlotries . However, God is also able to graft Israel back in — which He will do when the times of the Gentiles are up. God has never disavowed Israel. In fact, even in their spiritual whoredoms, they are still His Bride. And in the end, they WILL BE reconciled — the Bride to her Groom.

Know this: What Moses (not God) allowed was not a doctrinal precept but was rather a permission granted in their Jewish laws. God’s precepts and man’s permissions are two different things.

Ask yourself a very important question: If a divorced person can be considered as SINGLE and UNMARRIED, how then can they be committing adultery against their wife or husband in a REmarriage with another individual as stated in the following:

• ¹⁸“Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries one who is divorced from a husband commits adultery.  (Luke 16:18 NASB)
• ⁹And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.  (Matthew 19:9 KJV)
• ^{14. . . . . .} Because the Lord was witness [to the covenant made at your marriage] between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously and to whom you were faithless. Yet she IS your companion and the wife of your covenant [made by your marriage vows]. (Malachi 2:14 NASB)
• ¹¹And He said to them, Whoever dismisses (repudiates and divorces) his wife and marries another commits adultery against her; ¹²And if a woman dismisses (repudiates and divorces) her husband and marries another, she commits adultery. (Mark 10:11-12 NASB)
• ² For [instance] a married woman is bound by law to her husband as long as he lives; but if her husband dies, she is loosed and discharged from the law concerning her husband. ³ Accordingly, she will be held an adulteress if she unites herself to another man while her husband lives. But if her husband dies, the marriage law no longer is binding on her [she is free from that law]; and if she unites herself to another man, she is not an adulteress. (Romans 7:2-3 AMP)

How can one commit adultery if they are single? The societal point of view is that the moment you are divorced, you are single. That’s NOT what the Bible says. Adultery as Biblically defined is committed only with regard to Married persons — both the divorced and the REmarried as well as those who remain within the bonds of the original Marriage. The divorced man or woman who engages in another relationship that involves sexual intimacy commits adultery — not fornication. Fornication is reserved for the single alone. A misrepresentation of the correct position of the divorced as in number two above throws the definition off. In order for one to keep from committing adultery after divorce, one must become celibate. The obvious in that statement is not what is obviously accepted in society at large — and sadly it pervades the Church. A very hard teaching for the worldly and Christian alike to accept for sure but I’m living it by God’s grace – because I have a Covenant Spouse that I am committed to — and I will love him no matter what until death do us part.

Joseph and Mary – A Lesson in Jewish Law

Another distinction between fornication and adultery can be made with reference to Joseph and Mary. Mary was a virgin yet was found to be with Child. In the eyes of Joseph, Mary had represented herself to be something she was not and he had set in his mind to put (apolyo – dismiss, divorce) her away quietly (Mt 1:19) for her porneia (fornication). He had assumed that she committed fornication because they had not yet come together in a physical union. She was a pregnant virgin and they were betrothed — or promised to each other in Marriage. Joseph would have “divorced” Mary according to Jewish Law because of her indiscretions. She said she was a virgin — yet she was pregnant. It wasn’t physically possible — until an Angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph and told him it was so for that which was conceived in her was of the Holy Spirit.

In Jewish law/tradition, the Marriage is in two stages: the Kiddushin (betrothal stage) and Nisu’in (the actual marriage ceremony). In Kiddushin, the man and woman are not yet physically married (Nisu’in) and are not allowed to live together but they are still rendered Bride and Groom and are by law full-fledged husband and wife. If, God forbid, the betrothed couple decide not to marry because of fornication, according to Jewish law, they are required to divorce. Joseph thought that Mary had committed porneia (fornication) with another because she was single before the betrothal took place!

With respect to the above, it is VERY important to make that distinction clear when one renders Matthew 19:9, for example. My point here is this: in Matthew 19:9, one must take into consideration the JEWISH laws/traditions when seeking its proper context — BECAUSE Jesus is talking to the Pharisee’s - men who are well versed in Jewish law and tradition. If the Scripture is not interpreted properly, this is where people will get their “marriage escape clause“ and use it as an excuse for divorce and a justification for remarriage. Jesus is here telling the Pharisee’s that any man who puts away his wife for any reason except it be for fornication (which is BEFORE they are betrothed (they are single before being betrothed) — because fornication is committed by a SINGLE, UNMARRIED person — that man commits adultery when he marries another woman (because he IS still considered Married for ANY reason other than fornication committed before marriage). By Jewish law and tradition, one was considered MARRIED when they were betrothed (engaged).

Know this: Adultery committed within the confines of Marriage does NOT, canNOT, will NOT break, destroy or nullify the Marriage Covenant Vow! Why? Because Marriage is a mirror of the relationship of the Church to Christ. The Church is His Bride. They are born-again, saved unto eternity — and there is NOTHING, but nothing, that can take that away. There is NOTHING you can do to render your relationship with Jesus Christ broken.

The versions of the Bible which do not interpret this passage correctly according to the original Greek language mislead the divorcing and the divorced into believing that they can use adultery for grounds to divorce — and remarry. This passage and others like it are NOT an escape clause. In fact, there is no escape clause found in the Bible because there was never any intention of man and woman putting assunder their One-flesh Covenant Marriage.

This world is filled with the devil’s deception in divorce and remarriage. In other words, there is a whole lot of legalized adultery in this world… One cannot know this, remarry and ask for forgiveness for committing the act of adultery within the confines of unscriptural Marriage because it is a perpetual sin — and the one who belongs to Christ cannot continue to stay in their sins. Doing so has the effect of thumbing your nose at God and saying “I don’t care what God says! I’m going to do it anyway!” That person has a serious pride and disobedience issue and will ultimately pay the consequence for their disobedience — if not in the here and now, definitely in the hereafter.

NOTE: if one is looking for an escape clause, about the only one that even seems to come close is where the UNbeliever departs from the believer and the believer is not held in bondage — that is, in bondage to renounce their faith for the sake of retaining the UNbelieving spouse OR renouncing their faith to use this Scripture to obtain a divorce and then remarry. There is a serious eternal consequence to renouncing one’s faith. God knows everything you do, think and say. He will tolerate none of it. But if the UNbeliever leaves, the believer is called to peace… BUT they must either reconcile or remain unmarried. Because a believer had an UNbelieving spouse does not negate the Marriage or the Truth of the Scriptures. ALL are held accountable to God as it is written. 

The one who is divorced is commanded by GOD to remain unmarried or else be reconciled to their husband/wife! (I Corinthians 7:10-11). Don’t forget the picture above with reference to reconciliation in Marriage being a type of forgiveness and restored grace to the sinner who is saved. 

It is What it is. Period.

Again, a divorced person may be legally divorced and classified single in the views of society and in the courts of this land — but in the registers of heaven, they are created male and female and for this reason he will leave his father and his mother and cleave unto his wife – permanently. It does not matter what society thinks. They aren’t going to save you as you’re spinning into the flames of an eternal hell… Nor will they save you from the consequences of your rebellion. Yes, rebellion.

It is only death that releases husband and wife from the one-flesh Covenant (hence: 1 Cor 7:39 “A wife is bound to her husband by law as long as he lives. If the husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she will, only provided that he too is in the Lord.” & Romans 7:2-3 “(2) For a married woman is bound by law to her HUSBAND as long as he lives; but if her HUSBAND dies, she is loosed and discharged from the law concerning her husband. (3) Accordingly, she will be held an adulteress if she unites herself to ANOTHER MAN while her HUSBAND lives. But if her HUSBAND dies, the marriage law no longer is binding on her and if she unites herself to ANOTHER MAN, she is not an adulteress.”)

Sin in the Family

¹⁰“Do we not all have one father? Has not one God created us? Why do we deal treacherously each against his brother so as to profane the covenant of our fathers?

¹¹“Judah has dealt treacherously, and an abomination has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem; for Judah has profaned the sanctuary of the LORD which He loves and has married the daughter of a foreign god.

¹²“As for the man who does this, may the LORD cut off from the tents of Jacob everyone who awakes and answers, or who presents an offering to the LORD of hosts.

¹³“This is another thing you do: you cover the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping and with groaning, because He no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand.

¹⁴“Yet you say, ‘For what reason?’ Because the LORD has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.

¹⁵“But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit And what did that one do while he was seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth.

¹⁶“For I hate divorce,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with wrong,” says the LORD of hosts. “So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.”

¹⁷You have wearied the LORD with your words Yet you say, “How have we wearied Him?” In that you say, “Everyone who does evil is good in the sight of the LORD, and He delights in them,” or, “Where is the God of justice?”

(Malachi 2:10-17 NASB) 

The sin of divorce not only tears apart a family but it also tears apart their Spiritual relationship with God.

• The Husband and Wife are brother and sister IN Christ. (vs 10)
• Divorce is considered an abomination and the sanctuary of the believer is profaned in divorce and remarriage to a non-covenant spouse (daughter of a foreign God) (vs 11)
• God will NOT hear the prayers of an unrepentant Spouse and will cut off all offerings and prayers (vs 12 & 13)
• The unrepentant question God as if they have the right but God makes it plain that He was a Witness between you and your Covenant Spouse who IS your companion and spouse by Covenant (vs 14)
• God warns the one who will deal treacherously with their Covenant Mate (take heed to your spirit…) (vs 15)
• God hates divorce AND the one who covers his Covenant Spouse with a garment of violence. He issues a SECOND warning! (vs 16)
• The unrepentant Spouse(s) who attributes what they do as as God’s will for them and calls it (divorce) as though it is good in God’s eyes WILL be disciplined. (see below)

KNOW THIS: For the UNrepentant Prodigal Spouse who continues to live contrary to what GOD says and what they know is the right thing to do; and who call the evil things they do “good” and who call the good of God as though it is evil, there is a judgment coming unless there is repentance. It is only a matter of time before God gets your attention.

Here God pronounces three “woes” and a sure judgment:

• ²⁰ Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.
• ²¹ Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight.
• ²² Woe to those who are heroes at drinking wine and champions at mixing drinks,
• ²³ who acquit the guilty for a bribe, but deny justice to the innocent.
• ²⁴ Therefore, as tongues of fire lick up straw and as dry grass sinks down in the flames, so their roots will decay and their flowers blow away like dust; for they have rejected the law of the LORD Almighty and spurned the word of the Holy One of Israel.

(Isaiah 5:20-24 TNIV)

The above is like saying: Divorce is good. Forgiveness and Reconciliation are bad. I know everything and God knows nothing. I’m a champion partier now and hang out with the barroom crowds. Quite frankly, I got no time for God right now. I’m busy making up for lost time. I hang out with those who feel the same way and make no judgments against them. They scratch my back. I’ll scratch theirs. I will deny what is right to my Covenant Spouse. –God pronounces a time of discipline and judgment. Your time is coming. You will be lead as a bridled thoroughbred and thoroughly broken if you will continue to refuse to do what God is calling you to do. GO HOME where you belong. Where God calls you, He WILL provide a way. He WILL enable you to do HIS will. Guaranteed…

Amen.

© 2009 Celia Ann. All rights reserved by Celia Ann and The Ephesian Marriage unless otherwise stated. All other symbols are the trademark of their respective owners.

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Topics include evaluating your finances, organizing, recording and tracking expenses and income, creating a personalized financial plan, how to save, dealing with creditors, repayment of debt.

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daily disciples men’s ministry.. now who would have thought this day would come..? suspect both bble and tl did.. but for those of us on the side lines.. can’t say we were sure the day would ever come.. for most of us.. or “those” who have been standing with the girls from the early days.. always thought somebody would take the reins.. never really thought it would be me.. can tell you thought of it from time to time.. one look in the mirror and i knew there was no way..

too many “sauls” in the ministry today.. too much “saul” in me.. Galatians.. “started in the Spirit.. now in the flesh”.. so ministry.. so men’s ministry.. fearful for me.. fearful for those standing around me.. can also say that i have prayed that our Lord would raise a man.. one that i could respect.. support and follow..

the girls have set a high mark.. they are about the business of our Father each and every day.. God is blessing the labor of their hands.. don’t care if you have eyes to see and/or ears to hear.. a deaf.. dumb… blind.. stupid man (that would be most of us as men) could measure their fruit.. the Lord has raised the girls up to teach the Word of God and lead women around the world to follow Jesus Christ.. truly a blessing to be standing with them.. truly a blessing to be able to support bble my wife.. and tl.. her partner..

daily disciples men’s ministry.. actually ordering cards.. so cracks me up.. my own email.. blog.. it’s a trip.. can’t quite get my head around it.. the exposure.. the accountability.. the “mark”.. so much to measure.. so much to take on.. can’t say i have earned the opportunity.. can say i never will.. will also say i am a man who loves the Lord.. i am a man who loves His Word and believes in the power and presence of the Holy Spirit working in and through our lives today…

will also say that i am going to blow it.. (that would be the deaf.. dumb.. blind.. stupid in me)…  one wk in and I already have those standing around reminding me of those areas in my life.. already throwing stones.. it’s part of the package.. can’t say i am surprised.. can say i am disapointed… but “i am persuaded that He is able to keep what i have committed to Him until that day..” if you know the first part than you know.. the attacks.. the noise and the nonsense is part of the deal….

the passage the Lord has given me for the start of the daily disciples men’s ministry is.. “Sow for yourselves righteousness; Reap in mercy; Break up your fallow ground, For it is time to seek the LORD, Till He comes and rains righteousness on you…”  for me.. this is my time.. this is the Lord’s “exit strategy” for me… i want to go home.. it’s time to be about the Father’s business.. so i am going to start in the mirror and work my way around those standing with me.. for us.. this is daily disciples men’s ministry time… one of our men last wk in our prayer meeting posed the question… “what choice do we have…”

want to invite you to join in with us.. we are a bunch of scoundrels that have a heart to seek the Lord.. we endeavor to walk it out each and every day.. we believe it’s time to turn off the noise.. get back in the Word.. develope a prayer life.. give occasion to the Holy Spirit to move in and through our lives.. get right before our God.. work it out with the men standing around us.. “daily disciples”.. its more than just a name.. it’s a life with Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior…

so the question is..  ”what time is it for you..?”

want to join in with us…..? we start tuesday 9.22.09 7:00 at daily disciples offices in carlsbad.. follow the link.. http://menbiblestudies.eventbrite.com/ 

have questions..? concerns..? life freaking you out.. ? drop me an email and i will contact you directly..

want to see a video of the above teaching… ? click on the following link…..  http://www.vimeo.com/6618895

tnbrooks

It’s late, and I’m contemplating what to post that will be beneficial.  Today was a special day, but for the most part it played out like any other, except for one thing; You see, today marks the 31st anniversary of the day Tom asked me to marry him.   Like most years, Tom took me to breakfast this morning because that’s what he did on that day decades (that sounds so strange!) ago.

As we sat in a window seat at our favorite local diner the waitress (that’s what you call those who work in diners) asked what we wanted to drink – Tom ordered his usual coffee – black, as well as my usual – hot tea with cream and sugar.  I took a few pictures – something I do way too much – and then stopped so I could look at the menu.  I don’t know why…I always order the same thing – 2 eggs scrambled, sausage patties – well done and grits!  Setting the menu aside I had a chance to remember why we were in this place on this day.  Over 3 decades of sharing meals with this man, and I never tire of it.

The waitress came back – took our orders and menus and promptly disappeared.  Tom and I talked about our day and what was in store.  Then I looked at him directly and said, “I’d still say yes!”  Through all the trouble we’ve faced, heartaches, disappointments, sinful arguments, confession of sins against each other and moody, unexplainable silence, I would still say yes to the life we’ve shared.  We couldn’t be more different, but this morning I realized it’s the differences I love most about US.

It wasn’t that way when we were first married.  I spent much of my time trying to make Tom into the man I wanted him to be.  Not realizing God had made him exactly my opposite in order to conform us into His image – not one of our own making.  I can honestly thank God for not answering some of my early marriage prayers.  I had no idea what I was asking for.

About this time the waitress returned with our hot breakfast.  I smiled once again when I saw our plates side-by-side; Tom always orders eggs over easy with bacon, and home fries.  He couldn’t be more my opposite in so many ways, but this is what has made all the difference.

“Jesus does not enjoin his disciples to marry, but he does sanctify marriage according to the law by affirming its indissolubility and by prohibiting the innocent party from remarrying when the guilty partner has broken the marriage by adultery.  This prohibition liberates marriage from selfish, evil desire, and consecrates it to the service of love, which is possible only in a life of discipleship.  Jesus does not depreciate the body and its natural instincts, but he does condemn unbelief which is so often latent in its desires.  So far then from abolishing marriage, he sets it on a firmer basis and sanctifies it through faith.  The disciple’s exclusive adherence to Christ therefore extends even to his married life.  Christian marriage is marked by discipline and self-denial.  There is of course a difference between the Christian and the bourgeois conception of marriage, but Christianity does not therefore depreciate marriage, it sanctifies it (p. 149; emphasis mine).”

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship trans. K. V. Munchen (New York: Collier Books, 1963). 

shane lems

sunnyside wa

Instead of cleaning my house like I should be doing, I was visiting a few groups on Cafemom.  I found a post originally from another blogging Christian single mom, whom I have bumped into on other sites.  She and I have yet to really become friends, but friendships start as acquaintances right? 

Anywho…

She was asking how the other moms were doing in finding a community of Single mommy friends in their churches.  She wasn’t faring very well (something I know a lot of) and if others had found success. 

So many other mom had sad stories of their churches not interacting much with them, and how they longed to have Godly relationships with women who understood their struggles.  (My heart cries out to these women, as I am now also one with them)

One mother had this WISE responce:

Quoting Devinraysmom:

How long have you been a single mom?  I felt this way for the first couple of years of being a single mom.  This great need to connect with other single moms, wishing that I could fit in at church.. BUT, then I realized  I’m the only one that sees myself as a “single mom”  at church.  Most could care less.  Once I dropped the need to label myself as a single mom at church, building relationships at church became a lot easier and meaningful.  God does not label you,,, and yes,, there are some people that will label you,,, but there are a lot of people that won’t and don’t want to,, and could really careless,  it’s not WHO you are, it’s something that happened to you.

Don’t get me wrong, I have valued my relationships with other single moms, having that in common is HUGE, I just don’t necessarily think that it has to be at your home church.

________________________

Wonderful!  This is exactly the truth!  Hear these words  Single Mom!  Yes we call ourselves single moms, but this isn’t our Name, our Personalities, our Characteristics, or our Faith! 

 It is our circumstance (trial)… and what are we to do in our circumstances? (James 1:2-12)

I call it all JOY that I am a Single MOM!  This JOY is something I almost forgot, something that keeps slipping away from me.  The enemy has been trying to steal this JOY for the past 3-4 years.  This mom reminded me!  Such a blessing to be given back my JOY… and it wasnt exactly for me… but it was!

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Well in this group, the Joy of Motherhood and the blessing of our singleness wasn’t the dilemma for the women who replied.  It was their need for community with those, who share in our struggle. 

 For those of you out there who have this same struggle  …here is my reply :

… So sad to hear all the stories about unChristianly community in some of your churches.  This is something I understand completely, and miss from my church home that has had to close a few months ago. 

I also desire more Christian Single mom friends, but it is difficult to meet up with our varied schedules.  Sad to say more of my Christian friends are becoming single moms these past 2yrs do to an (Oopsie) pregnancy or divorce.

I agree with the above statement!  Well Said!!!

 I have been a single mom for 8yrs… and I felt out of place when I first walked into my aunt’s church over 8yrs ago w/ a baby on my hip and no ring on my finger.  I hung out w/ my aunt and her much older church friends.  They never treated me like a single mom.. they treated me like a Sister-In-Christ, a New Believer, and a young Mother (but I felt out of place in the beginning).  It did help that my aunt signed me up on all of their prayer lists before I returned to my First Love, so they knew my story. 

I realized through these great women, that “Single Mother” was a label I didn’t have to wear!  That Christ took it on the Cross so I didn’t have to!  This was such a blessing and I began to see myself as His Precious Gift, just like I saw my son. 

Then I went on to a church home of my own.  It was a bit younger crowd (what I was looking for) of people that had been in the trenches of their own sins before they each raised their blood stained flags to Christ.  So the friendships were always as a mother and Sister-in-Christ.  Later I was looked at as a mentor by those new wives/moms and single women w/no children.

But now that my church closed, I find I am in the same spot I was 8yrs ago.  The on lookers, the young crowd of singles not interested in befriending a mother, and wives feeling uncomfortable with a single woman around.  I know it is because they don’t understand and don’t know how to interact with me. 

Soon they will see me as I am -their Sister!   When that happens it will be a relief, because it is lonely on the outside.  But it is all in the maturity of the other person, and in how you see yourself (your maturity).  I am a very very shy person, who doesn’t talk to strangers… but  at my old church I  taught the children, and youth, and once at a women’s dinner.   Why!?  because God wants us out of our comfort zone!

Interact with others, be the person you wish would come up to you and hug you and miss you when you skip a Sunday (or Saturday).  Start a conversation with someone and say Hello to them every time you see them.  Join a prayer group, join women’s ministry and mingle.. even if it feels strained and uncomfortable. Find an older Christian woman of great Godly wisdom to mentor and pray for you in your walk.

Buy “Chick Flicks” (<< click for more info) from your local Christian book store (or online) and host a small “Film Christian Study” to get to know people on a more personal level.. create friendships w/ all ages and walks in your church.  You will find you have more in common than you would ever hope, and your heart will be filled even if they are not Single moms. 

Or start a playgroup (<< click for more info) just for single moms, and I bet a few back slid Christians will show up, and you can pray with them and be their Jesus-in-Skin.. and maybe they will return to their First Love. 

Look at all of us… thirsty for human relationship amongst our Christian brothers and sisters!  Be that person you wish someone else would be.  [...]

Of course I changed my name to Single MOMA, but only after I gave it to Christ first! 

 I know that, who I am does not reside in my unwed motherhood: Who I am lives in, who Christ is molding me to become because of it.

Blessings.

Comment

A Steward is someone entrusted with managing someone else’s property and doing so according to their interests.

Have you ever thought that we are stewards of our spouse to God?  Ben Patterson explains in his excellent message,  The Goodness of Sex and The Glory of God, that one day we will give our spouse back to the Lord; the question is will they be better than they were when we first received them from God? I pray so!  This is what motivates us in continuing to post on this blog…to provide help to each other in good times and in bad.  What we share together in marriage is all from God for His glory.

We listened to this message tonight, and it was full of biblical truth to meditate on, talk about and implement in our own marriage.  Here are just a few quotes:

• Sex is good because the God who made it is good.
• Quality of life doesn’t exist in the great experiences we have, but in the depth of commitments we make.
• Adam slept as God gave him His best gift, but it cost him something; We find ourselves as we give ourselves away.
• Grace evokes gratitude like the voice of an echo…God stands over the abyss of human need and shouts, “Grace”, and a voice is echoed in return, “THANK YOU, THANK you, Thank you, thank you!”

We hope you’ll find the time to sit back and enjoy the rich truths unpacked in this excellent message.  It’s one greatly needed in our day and age.  God help us to live in such a way that ensures our spouses growth in godliness, so we’ll hear on That Day, “Well, done my good and faithful servant.  Enter into the joy of your master.”

So many months have gone by and I still am a Church Orphan. 

It is so difficult to find a church that has a solid foundation in The WORD.  Too many churches do topical messages and only take a few lines of scripture that add to “their” message.  What is that about!? 

But I guess any message is better than NO message.  Today is the 3rd Sunday I missed church.  It is sad. A bit depressing.  What is more depressing is having a desert thirst and walking out of those “topical” churches - unquenched!

I wonder, if I didn’t have such an Awesome pastor and didn’t got to a Christian College -would I be so parched? 

Maybe. Maybe Not.

A friend asked me to blog about looking for a new Church home, since I am going through this trial (yes, finding a church is a trial), I would like to share some insight on what to look for when looking for a church home.

1. Know what you believe!
   • every Church has their own little emphasis or focus.
   • Knowing what you believe will help you weed out churches that don’t fall in line with what you are looking for in regards to spirituality.  (I’ll go over this in a more specifics one day)
     • Sounds weird!?  I know.. but some churches emphasize Baptism, or the Gift of Tongues.  Others put emphasis on Sin and Condemnation.  Some focus on ritual and try to follow the ancient practices from possibly Jesus’ day.   Some focus on Missions, so ask yourself first: Are you on the path of a missionary? 
2. Make sure the Church reads directly from The Holy Bible.
   • Always bring your Bible to church!
   • Always read along in your Bible when scripture is presented. 
     • Test the Spirits behind the message (1 John 4:1)
     • Test the Message (Deuteronomy 4:2)
   • If the Church’s message does not coincide with God’s Word -Stop Going there!
     • A Church that is not reading God’s word and not teaching or relying on His commandments and promises >> It’s Not GOD’s House!

on’t worry, when you are the house of God that is your Church Home… You will Know! 

3. Most importantly!

Pray

Pray

Pray… 

For GOD’s guidance as to where he wants you in HIS Body to serve and be fed.

I hope this helps you on your path to finding your church home.  I am still trying to attend church… of course it isn’t my home, so I feel a bit out of place.  At least I know I am in God’s house! 

Blessings

I have linked to the next raft of ebooks from PJ Smyth. This time they are on such things as parenting, relationships, sexuality and marriage. We have used the Pre-marriage one as a basis for the pre marriage course that we have ran (with additions on finance from Christians Against Poverty and submission / biblical husbandship by Mark Driscoll) and was excellent.

Enjoy

• Getting ready for Marriage
• Relationships and Sexuality
• Quick Start Parenting