By Wanda Parker,

Last week I began blogging (click here) in regard to the book “Essential Church?”  This book is a must read for anyone working with children and/or youth.

“Certain absolutes found within Scripture are so crucial that a Christian should be willing to sacrifice his or her life for them.”  Page16

Wow!  Powerful and so true.  These truths and this type of commitment should be taught from the time the child enters the nursery.  It isn’t taught with words at that stage but through the commitment of the adults. 

Do adults in your church give up their wants so that the children of your church have adults committed to walk through life with them?

Where do parents spend the most time with their kids?  On the soccer field or in the church?  From where parents spend their time what are the kids learning is important to mom and dad?  Why are kids leaving the church in droves?  Probably one important reason is because moms and dads have taught them through their actions that everything but church is important.

Below is an excerpt from the White Paper on Competition and Emotional Development click here to read entire paper 

From the time my own children were infants, I have prayed asking the Lord to teach me how to raise my children up to be godly adults.  I felt totally inadequate but the Lord found varying means to teach me. 

Joe, my husband, was on staff with Open Doors with Brother Andrew when our children were in early elementary school.  As part of Joe’s ministry, we were part of a team sent to take Bibles into China.  While in Hong Kong, we met a family who had only recently escaped from China.  

The mother of the family told us the story of her family while her eldest surviving son translated for her.  In the mid-1960’s during the Cultural Revolution, the Red Guard had come to their home and wrenched their four children from the home.  The Red Guard had set up a bench in front of their home and made the four children, ages 11, 10, 6 and 3, sit on the bench.  They called all the neighbors to come watch what was about to take place.  

Then the soldiers went from child to child asking if he loved Jesus.  When the child responded, “Yes, I love Jesus,” the soldier would hit the child in the face, knocking him to the ground.  The soldiers went to each child several times, but the oldest, Steven, got beaten over and over because he refused to renounce Jesus.  

Finally the soldiers turned from the children to attack the parents.  Stephen crawled into their home and lay down on his mat.  Daniel, the 10-year-old followed him in and knelt beside him. 

“Don’t tell mama but I’m dying Daniel I’m dying.” The 11–year-old declared. 

Just then Mama came and knelt beside her son her head had been shaved.    “Mama, mama, I’m dying. Mama, I’m dying.  Mama, you have to forgive them. Mama, you have to forgive them.”  Then lifting his hand toward heaven, he cried out, “I see Jesus, Mama. I see Jesus.” And he was gone. 

I looked at this woman who had just told me the story of her eleven year old son whom she had watched be beaten to death and there was a peace on her face.  “Mama, how do you raise a child so that at the age of 11, he will not renounce Jesus, though he be beaten to death?” I quietly asked. 

She looked me in the eye and she said, “There are three things you must do.” 

“From the time your child is born, you must teach him that he must never renounce Jesus nor another Christian.  Your life might be dependent on that other believer.” 

“Secondly, you must pray sacrificially for your children.  That means you are praying so much for your children that you are giving up things you want to do for yourself because you are praying for your children.” 

I will never forget the little chuckle she gave before she continued, “Thirdly, and this is hardest for you in the West.  You must let your children suffer.  They will never grow strong if they don’t suffer.  If there is nothing natural that causes suffering in their life, then create a reason for them to suffer.” 

I was so excited when I got home.  These sounded like such good sound principles to follow.  I could hardly wait to share these principles with my friends.  The first person with whom I shared was a close friend and she wept as I shared Mama’s story.  

When I was finished, my friend looked at me and said, “But Wanda, if my children suffer, then I will suffer and I don’t want to suffer. 

It was one of those “ah-ha” moments of life.  How much of our parenting, how much of our nurturing of children is about what makes me feel good rather than what the child really needs? 

This made me realize that as adults we must constantly look at what each child’s real need is.  We must be careful to not do what makes us feel good, nor what makes him feel good today, but is harmful for his future.  

Healthy nurturing of children will often cause adults to feel uncomfortable, cause adults to suffer.  (For a tragic story of adults’ faulty-reasoning in providing comfort today but long term pain in a child’s life, go to the KidTrek White Paper on Secondary Nurturers.  http://kidtrek.org/white/        

God’s command to us in Deuteronomy 6:7 & 8 tells us how to raise up children. 

“You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.

You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead.” 

In verse 4 we read, “O Israel,” this wasn’t a command to just the parents but to the entire nation.  The entire church is responsible to live out Deuteronomy 6 with the children in the church. 

Is your church intentionally doing this?

A few days ago, I happened to wear a very nice pink shirt to the office.  As I settled in to begin the day, a coworker walked past my office; “Good morning Dave” was his greeting, to which I gave an equally cheery retort.  “I takes a real man to wear pink”, were his next words.

 I’ve heard those words before, most often in jest, a kind of friendly banter between men that seems to happen any time more than one man is present in the same place.  This time, though, the words pricked something in me that caused me to ponder the concept as a father.

 It’s not one of those macho things.  I’ve long ago learned there is little in that mind set that really helps a father be what he is meant to be.  It caused me to ask myself; what sets you, as a father, apart from other men?

 It is often in man’s nature to be competitive.  Competition is valued in society today.  The more competitive you are the better the chance to be successful in business.  It is the mantra of the millennial man.  Competition often defines who the world thinks we are. 

 It can’t be all bad.  After all, it is that competitive spirit that helped early man feed and protect his family, but competition only takes a father so far.  At some point, the competition, if too strong, begins to tear away at the relationships with a father’s children and even with his spouse. 

 I have known several men in my years who could rightly be described as a giant.  These men were all over 6 feet 9 inches tall and were imposing in their very presence.  Some were fathers others were married, with no children, and all were noticed when the entered any room.  Today, I still have contact with a couple of them but it is not their sheer size that would cause me to set them apart as a father.  An equally large woman would likely be just as imposing but probably could not be described as a father.  I have known great fathers who were as short as these men were tall.

 My position in life has given me the opportunity to meet many men who have been very successful in their selected career field.  These men are entrusted with large sums of money or large segments of a company.  They have shown their ability to understand business and to encourage others to follow the mission they have conveyed.  They are eloquent in their speech and adept at getting their point across in a manner that is accepted by their most ardent opposition.  Some lead hundreds, others thousands as they guide their company along the road to success.  They are successful by almost any standard but that alone doesn’t set them apart as a father.

 Fatherhood is by all accounts a battle.  When their child is born, a father begins to fight against everything that would attempt to harm or negatively influence his child.  Sometimes the battles are perceived and some are misinterpreted but others are very real.

 The warrior father stands between every potential danger and at the same time guards the pathways to a child’s heart.  He alone holds a secret entrance that can only be unlocked by the keys of influence.  As a child watches their father the influence key unlocks understanding and a child grows in knowledge and stature.

 Clarence Budington Kelland, the American writer of the 20’s, most noted for his fiction and short stories published in magazines of the time, explained it best when he described his father with the following:

 “He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it”. Clarence Budington Kelland

 Proverbs 4:1-4 describes the power of influence the warrior father has with his child;

1.Listen, friends, to some fatherly advice; sit up and take notice so you’ll know how to live.2.I’m giving you good counsel; don’t let it go in one ear and out the other.3.When I was a boy at my father’s knee, the pride and joy of my mother,4.

He would sit me down and drill me: “Take this to heart. Do what I tell you – live!  (The message)

 The warrior father is differentiated by the tenacity by which he fights for what he loves and by the compassion which he metes upon his family.  The child of the warrior father learns by his example and in the long run recognizes that it really does take a real man to wear pink.

En servicio como padre

Dave

Father’s Day has passed, but I just read a resource I thought I’d pass along to Dads and aspiring dads-to-be.  It is another e-book by Mark Driscoll of Resurgence and Mars Hill Church, this one titled Pastor Dad: Scriptural Insights on Fatherhood. 

The premise behind this free 48 page book is:

Every dad is a pastor. The important thing is that he is caring for his flock well.

Typical of Driscoll, this book combines sound Biblical insights with some of Driscoll’s brash, over-the-top, in-your-face applications.  So it is not a book for the overly sensitive or the timid.  But, while after a quick read I can say I don’t agree with all his positions, Driscoll’s thoughts are Biblial, practical, and worth considering for those who appreciate, or are at least willing to engage, his style.

I’ve posted before about the importance of guarding our heart. It is the first verse we’ve had our kids memorize and sets up a lot of the parental decisions we make. There are many things we don’t allow our kids to participate in because we feel it be letting our guard down.

However, over the years the more I’ve thought about this verse the more truth I’ve gotten from it. I ask my kids often, “How’s your heart?” We talk about if anyone has broken a promise to them. If anyone has lied to them. If anyone has hurt their heart. I don’t want my kids to grow up with broken, pain-filled hearts. Because people with broken, pain-filled hearts not only have a hard time in life, but often inflict brokenness and pain on others.

As a dad this gets tricky though and sometimes feels like a daunting task. Pain in many shapes and forms happen. Broken promises and lies happen. Broken hearts are a product of these things. But a few weeks ago I was reading and realized we don’t have to do this all on our own. The peace of God is here to help us.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

- Philippians 4:7 (NIV – emphasis added)

As a dad, and as a Christ follower, it’s good to know that God doesn’t leave this awesome task to us alone. He is here to help our kids… and us.

Twenty-nine years ago I was a bride, just 18 years old.  Imagine that!  Who would’ve ever thought it could work out between two kids so young and in love?  Well, we did – that’s who!  John and I were made for each other – and I literally believe that.  I believe that God made him for me because he is everything I’ve ever needed or wanted in my life as a husband.  He’s kind and patient with me, and time has only come to prove just how perfectly God loves me by giving me such a wondrous gift twenty-nine years ago.

This past year has been difficult on him.  I can see that.  He wants to “fix it,” but he can’t and that grieves him more than even I probably know.  But I can see it in the way he looks at me, in the way he earmestly prays for me, in the many ways he reminds me that he thinks I’m beautiful even when I feel ugly from all the ravages of chemo.   He’s my man, and he wants to protect me – and knowing that it is the desire of his heart to do so means all the world to me.

There were a lot of things we wanted to do to celebrate this anniversary:  a carefree little getaway, a fancy dinner out.  But it wasn’t possible just now because of the downside of that sacred vow “in sickness and in health,” so we put that plan on hold and did what we could to celebrate – breakfast at a pretty hotel nearby because mornings are the best time of day right now for me.  Hot coffee, fried eggs (over medium,) and the love of my life to share it with.  Ahhhh, bliss. 

I’m happy just to be in his company.  And isn’t that what it means to be in love?

I can’t do this alone.  Whatever it is.  Life.  Work.  Parenting.  Seems like I can’t even clean the garage by myself.  I’m built that way.  I need relationship.  In the innermost part of my being lies the need to know that someone is with me.  Of course God is near.  But what of fleshy friendship?  So this week I  reconnected.

I met a good friend for breakfast.  We have been missing each other for several months. Way too long.  So I called.  And I remembered why I love this guy so much.  He always asks the right questions.  He always asks about my heart.  He knows me well.  And he stirs things that are deep within me.

Not surprisingly, we talked about the “meaningfulness” of our lives.  He pointed out that at my age I probably have about 25 more years left on this planet.  He then continued  (lovingly?) to mention that of those 25 years, approximately “ten or so” might be productive. Thanks.  So I start listing the things I want to get done.  Things I want to be known for.

So he gives me this deep stare.  He says, “You’ve got lots of things to do. But in the end,  don’t  you think it will really be all about doing relationships?”  I really know why I love this guy.  So I go to Barnes and Nobel and buy a book.

We like to read and review books together.  About 3 years ago we met weekly and read through a self help best seller.  We learned a little.  We grew some.  It got me out of the house and connected.  So I call him while I’m looking through the shelves and ask if he would be interested in this one particular book I found.  He says it doesn’t matter.  He’s more interested in hangin’ with me. Get whatever.  Man, I really love this guy.

I go home and tell my kids what we’re doing.  I tell them to put this guy on the list of  “go to” people if they ever need to talk to someone other than me.  I ask who are their best friends forever. They name a few.  I know these kids.  Good kids.  I pause and take a deep relaxed breath.  I think of king Solomon’s first lesson to his son.  It’s about choosing your friends wisely.  Staying connected to good people.

Maybe I can be an example.

See ya next week,

Guy Chandler

Ephesians 6:1-4

1 Children, do what your parents tell you. This is only right. 2 ”Honor your father and mother” is the first commandment that has a promise attached to it, namely, 3 ”so you will live well and have a long life.” 4 Fathers, don’t exasperate your children by coming down hard on them. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master. (The Message)

As this Fathers Day approaches, I find myself reflecting on many things.  I think of my own father, how in many ways he was distant and a man of few words.  He was hard working and was skilled in so many areas I only wish, today, that I had spent more time with him learning from him.  He was not a perfect father, no, far from it.  He was quick to temper and often disciplined out of temper rather than strategic learning.  He was not formally educated and did not encourage me to excel in school.  He was not rich and was not a master of financial investment or budgetary restraint.

No, my father was not perfect, but he loved his children.  No matter how much discipline he meted out, or how much he would yell at us when we pushed his buttons, we all knew he loved us.

My most vivid memory of my father was on the day I was leaving to go into the military.  It was during the Vietnam War, and I left a perfectly good job to sign up for the military.  I was certain I would be drafted and would have little control over the branch of service I would enter, so I chose to get ahead of the game and enlist.  When I told my parents, they were livid.  They could not understand why I would enlist and not take my chances on the draft.  My mother was so mad she would not talk to me.  My father, trying to keep the peace in his own way, went to his work shed and made himself scarce.  I felt my whole family was against my decision.

Early the next morning I boarded a Greyhound bus headed for the big city of Phoenix Arizona where I would go through my final activities before heading off to basic training.  I said my goodbyes to my girlfriend the night before so I was by myself at 6:00 a.m. as I looked around the town of my birth for what could be the last time. 

From the bus window I scanned the small Arizona town until my eyes fell upon a man standing in the shadows.  It was my father.  I hurried off the bus like a salmon swimming up stream against the flow of others boarding the same bus.  As I walked up to my father, he extended a hand shake, his way of saying goodbye.  

He then reached in his pocket and pulled out a ten dollar bill.  It was all he ever carried.  To him it was his lifeline. He used that ten dollars to buy his tobacco and papers to roll his own cigarettes.  It was money he kept in case of an emergency.  With a family of eight kids and a janitors position, it was a lot of money to him.  With that he stuffed the bill in my pocked and said “thought you might need this”.

Those words though not eloquent or ground shaking in the least, were powerful to my soul.  My father took all he had and invested it in me, knowing I would not fail.  His few words were supportive in that he arose early and made his way to the bus stop in support of what I was doing.  In those few words he more than communicated his love to me.

I only saw my father a few times in the years that followed that night.  Life had taken me far from home and my visits were few and short.  One day as I arrived home from work my wife met me and said she just received a phone call that my father was gravely ill and the family was being called in to see him for the last time. 

I did not get home in time, my father died while I was in route, by train, to my home town.

Was my father a hero?  Was my father a master of fatherhood?  No, not in the eyes of any outsider who knew little of him.  But to me, and to my brothers and sisters, he was all of those things and more.  He was a man who sacrificed all to show his love.

En servicio como padre

Dave

Please take a moment to honor a father your have come to know as a hero.  Tell me and my readers about this father, in the comments below, and we will help you honor him this weekend in our prayers and thoughts.  Then email this link to others that they might also receive the promise of Ephesians 6:2.

http://dadtalk.wordpress.com

After 23 years as a youth minister and 15 years as a parent, I’ve started writing things down.

At this very moment, you may be frantically searching the internet trying to find out how to react to the fact that your child has been caught viewing porn on the internet.

Stop, take a breath, it’s going to be alright.  You love your child or you wouldn’t be so worked up.

I’ve condensed years and years of counselling on this very subject into 16 pages of downloadable booklet.

In it I cover the following topics:

Preventing your family’s exposure to pornography.

How to react and what to do if you discover your child is viewing pornography on the internet.

Your child and Facebook.

Click here to purchase and download the booklet.

My personal email is included in the download if you need to continue the conversation.

Thanks for your interest.  May the Lord bless you and your parenting adventure!